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Old 10-24-2012, 01:25 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,086 posts, read 107,163,173 times
Reputation: 115880

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Quote:
Originally Posted by nomoreliers View Post
Now his view is that we have been together for so long, 6 months,

He thinks maybe I'm going back to my ex, or maybe I found someone else. This is another stupid thing I can't fathom.
"So long" ? Tell him 6 months is a drop in the bucket for couples and courting, it's only Square One, the initial phase of dating, nothing more. (Your situation is a REALLY GOOD reason for postponing sex until getting to know a guy better.)

As for #2, this is what guys from other cultures, or jealous guys, or losers, tend to think about women. They can't fathom that a woman would be happy alone. They always conjure up some secret boyfriend, or an ex coming back into the picture, or whatever. It's unfathomable, so don't try. Just tell him you're so scarred by your experience with your ex and with him that you've sworn off men for the next few years. That should make an impression.

I realize you're trying to tread a fine line between offending/enraging the guy, and being too soft. But with this kind of guy you need to draw clear boundaries, and be firm. You need to muster your resolve, so that your words are convincing, and don't just sound like empty words. Firm, not offensive or aggressive, but clear and firm. People like this will keep pushing and testing the boundaries. It might help to think of him as a child who will repeatedly test parental boundaries. Don't worry about being a Nice Person (he's not, is he); concern yourself with being convincingly strong, clear and firm in rebuffing him and sending consistent clear signals.
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Old 10-24-2012, 01:27 PM
 
5,347 posts, read 7,178,235 times
Reputation: 7158
You can break up with whoever the hell you want to for whatever reason.
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Old 10-24-2012, 01:48 PM
 
17 posts, read 14,171 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
"So long" ? Tell him 6 months is a drop in the bucket for couples and courting, it's only Square One, the initial phase of dating, nothing more. (Your situation is a REALLY GOOD reason for postponing sex until getting to know a guy better.)

As for #2, this is what guys from other cultures, or jealous guys, or losers, tend to think about women. They can't fathom that a woman would be happy alone. They always conjure up some secret boyfriend, or an ex coming back into the picture, or whatever. It's unfathomable, so don't try. Just tell him you're so scarred by your experience with your ex and with him that you've sworn off men for the next few years. That should make an impression.

I realize you're trying to tread a fine line between offending/enraging the guy, and being too soft. But with this kind of guy you need to draw clear boundaries, and be firm. You need to muster your resolve, so that your words are convincing, and don't just sound like empty words. Firm, not offensive or aggressive, but clear and firm. People like this will keep pushing and testing the boundaries. It might help to think of him as a child who will repeatedly test parental boundaries. Don't worry about being a Nice Person (he's not, is he); concern yourself with being convincingly strong, clear and firm in rebuffing him and sending consistent clear signals.
Right on! Ruth, you are right on, about both points.

I'm not here to discriminate anyone or any culture, I myself is from an Asian culture. But I have learned so much about this guy, that it is not just him, it's his whole culture and family upbringing that taught him it is ok to lie to get what he wants. I believe that he lies so much and to an extent he believes he is a good guy and poor victim of my cold heart.

As we talked and shared family stories, I came to realize how his parents and grandparents taught him to lie, and how he lied his way through his marriage in pursuing his own pleasure. It's this realization that made me decide to break up with him. He would come up with his wife's faults and shortcomings, but now I don't think many of them are true. It's just his way of getting away with his wife finding out about his past cheatings.

My conclusion, you can't fight against a culture or family influence.

In retrospect, many things became so clear. This relationship was not built on respect and trust. I admit I have been too soft and that gave him the false hope. I will learn to be more effective in dealing with such a guy.

I appreciate your great insight!
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Old 10-24-2012, 02:00 PM
 
Location: in here, out there
3,062 posts, read 7,008,752 times
Reputation: 5109
Quote:
His religion: he swear he is not a Muslim, and he does not practice religion. But he pray in Persian before driving and other times.
In his defense, you obviously don't know the difference between a Persian and a Muslim.
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Old 10-24-2012, 02:06 PM
 
17 posts, read 14,171 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Charles22 View Post
In his defense, you obviously don't know the difference between a Persian and a Muslim.
I most probably am not an expert on this topic as you are, since you took the trouble to point it out. He actually educated me on this at the very beginning.

But his actions speak louder than words.

I don't judge people's religion, as I come from a family with a diversity of religious believes. As long as you become a better person and not succumb to sins like intentional lying, I am more than happy to be around people with a different background.
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Old 10-24-2012, 02:16 PM
 
Location: NW San Antonio
2,982 posts, read 9,810,025 times
Reputation: 3356
Quote:
Originally Posted by nomoreliers View Post
Hi Dim,

That is exactly half of my concern. The other half is, do I really want to start a hostile gesture like this on someone I've dated and genuinely liked? Golden rule, I just don't want to do unto others things I don't want to be bestowed on myself.

My soon-to-be-ex will definitely utilize this, although the custody war was over. He might start something new. I'm representing myself since it's been dragging so long, and my former lawyer is willing to lend advice if I need it.

Thanks for your understanding!
why is it that most of us stress the "golden rule" when someone else has treated us like crap. If I'm going to observe it, when dealing with someone else, I'm going to look at the way they treated me. This guy is not worthy of the Golden Rule, because he certainly doesn't adhere to it.
On the other note, you have a Bitter divorce, and you chose to represent yourself. Are you crazy? You will not get a break, and his lawyer will pull out no stops. Whatever you believe that made you dismiss your attorney was the second stupidest mistake you have made recently. The first was going out and continuing a relationship with the guy that lied about his name, his religion, his marital status, his finances, etce. More than two misunderstandings, dump and run. HAVE NO CONTACT WITH HIM!

Oh, and did I mention, HAVE NO CONTACT WITH HIM!!!!
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Old 10-24-2012, 02:22 PM
 
Location: Tampa, FL
82 posts, read 179,686 times
Reputation: 69
Whoa didn't even read the whole post.

Lying about anything is unacceptable. You DEFINITELY needed to break that off.
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Old 10-24-2012, 02:34 PM
 
17 posts, read 14,171 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by sinsativ View Post
why is it that most of us stress the "golden rule" when someone else has treated us like crap. If I'm going to observe it, when dealing with someone else, I'm going to look at the way they treated me. This guy is not worthy of the Golden Rule, because he certainly doesn't adhere to it.
On the other note, you have a Bitter divorce, and you chose to represent yourself. Are you crazy? You will not get a break, and his lawyer will pull out no stops. Whatever you believe that made you dismiss your attorney was the second stupidest mistake you have made recently. The first was going out and continuing a relationship with the guy that lied about his name, his religion, his marital status, his finances, etce. More than two misunderstandings, dump and run. HAVE NO CONTACT WITH HIM!

Oh, and did I mention, HAVE NO CONTACT WITH HIM!!!!
Ok, point taken LOL

My lawyer had helped me through most of the legal proceedings, and since the ex has lost the custody battle, was forced to pay child support and spend time with the kids, there is not much more for me to lose any more. To quote my lawyer when we parted our ways:"You have the best of both worlds now." And he is there if I need legal consultations, which I haven't so far.

I bought two books and learned to write my own legal correspondings, it's not rocket science. I have two graduate degrees, and these legal documents are more boring than difficult comparing to dissertations.

Plus the judge is not intimidating. Don't be fooled by the common belief that only lawyers can win your battle for you. I think I do a better job in preparing the documents, because I only have one client: me, and I know all the stories.

On a legal path, it is sad that if one party decides to litigate, the other does not have much choice, and the couple will most probably end up with less money than what the lawyers make off of them. This is what I learned from a divorce financial seminar. In my case, I can at least stop loss at a point where I have most of the control.

On the golden rule, I don't look at others to decide what to do. I do this for myself. With the premise of protecting myself and my children, I don't wish to start a war. I learned this through experience. In the end, war does not bring peace of mind.

Thanks for your concerns! I really appreciate it
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Old 10-24-2012, 02:37 PM
 
Location: NW San Antonio
2,982 posts, read 9,810,025 times
Reputation: 3356
Good Luck with that, cause in the words of a great sports commentator, Dan Cook

IT AINT OVER TIL THE FAT LADY SINGS!
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Old 10-24-2012, 02:40 PM
 
17 posts, read 14,171 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by armystrongmd View Post
Whoa didn't even read the whole post.

Lying about anything is unacceptable. You DEFINITELY needed to break that off.
Agreed. He's a smart lier, and I was fooled by the smoke. I tried to break up at least six times in the 6-month duration. LOL, that's pretty pathetic, I know. He made some progress with fewer new lies, until the car thing came up. To be fair, that was an old issue, but he kept the lie going by ommision.

At first, when I found out about his country of origin, I thought ok he has an identity problem. He did explain to me his childhood experience played a major part in that. I had similar experiences growing up, so I chose to forgive him and ask him to face it and be stronger. But when I was joking, now don't tell me you are still married and have kids, oopse, that opened another can of worms. I wanted to back out then.

But he swore on his God and his baby's life that he would not tell another lie, not even a white lie to me. Only at that time I forgot to ask him the definition of a lie. LOL.
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