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mir86, thanks for your advice. I have cut off all communication but it doesn't seem to work. I don't yet want to go the restraining order route to enrage him. He's been seeing a therapist for this and wanted me to join him. Should I? Would that help him see we are a total mis-match?
Your kidding right? Go no contact, forget about him.
Jesus on a minibike. Aside from the guy planting a 2 x 4 upside your head, how many more clues do you need? Let's just highlight all the red flags in this post. That is, assuming you're not making this up whole cloth, because it's hard to imagine that anyone could have so little wisdom by continuing this relationship after the first lie.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nomoreliers
Hi, I'm new here. I am a single mom, going through the last phase of a bitter divorce, working a full-time job and caring for two youngsters. I made the mistake of rebounding, but of course at that time I thought it was real. I need your opinion on how to deal with a former boyfriend turning into a stalker: here's the story:
2012.2 I met S on match. First encounters were nice. S appeared to be a nice person. But soon I found out that everything in his profile was a lie:
- His origin: told me he's from Austria, but actually born and raised in Iran
- His age: in his profile he is 37, but actually 43
- His name: when I receive his email, his last name is European/American, but actual is Persian
- His language: English and German, but actual a native Persian
- His marrital status: in his profile: divorced, no kids, but actually still married, and have an infant baby girl
- His religion: he swear he is not a Muslim, and he does not practice religion. But he pray in Persian before driving and other times.
The lies keep going, and contradicting with each other. I was stupid to think oh he must have a good reason.
He lied that he needed to work Saturdays, but that's because he needs to take care of his baby when the mom works.
He told me about another single mom he dated, for a couple of years, an affair with a former girlfriend a few years back, other women he had had sex with. I believe these all happened during his marriage since he got married at an early age.
He keeps lying about his marriage until in April he filed for divorce and showed me the court paper. I was furious because I don't want to be the person to break another one's marriage. Especially because I am going through a tough divorce with a very little baby. He swore that I was not the reason and the marriage was already broken. He swore he started the divorce earlier, but with Iranian government, for some immigration laws. I didn't believe him, but somehow I forgave him. He promised no more lies.
We dated 6 months, and he never introduced me to any of his family or friends. He has a very close-knit family. He lives with his dad, he sees his mom every week, and he constantly has family functions. I don't think anybody knows about my existence. And I don't believe anybody knows about his divorce.
The last lie was about a car. He mentioned earlier in April that he ordered a BMW from Germany to arrive in fall. He asked me to tell him to cancel it. He knows my position on cars, I think it's a misuse of money. I'd rather use money to build a future, such as buying a house together or put into the kids' college funds. I told him then and there that it was his decision to make, not mine. He promised to follow my advice on financial matters. He said again and again that whatever he has is mine. He would say things like my hair is more precious than a BMW. So I thought it was a non-issue, and I never checked back with him what happened to the car order.
For the background, he is an engineer, not a rich guy. He does not own any real estate. He does not have much in savings. I'm an engineer too, and I have purchased a house of my own after the divorce started. I have my savings for my children's college fund. I don't need or want to spend any money on luxury goods.
One day in August, again he casually mentioned that he put down payment for the car. I was shocked. He said oh you said it's ok to buy the car. That was a lie and I was furious because he's been lying to me by ommision for months. He was waiting for the right moment to disclose it. He said right in my face: I don't need your permission to buy a car. On three differenct occasions he threw this at me. So I broke up with him. Then he swore he's going to change, and he's going to get rid of the car. He didn't. Later I learned that the car costs $120,000, that's more than his annual salary. He's still paying off the BMW X5 for his wife. He doesn't think it's wrong to spend the money he does not have and own something he can't afford.
Since August, he's been calling, texting and emailing for a second chance. I've been ignoring these harrassments. This morning, he showed up at my baby's daycare when I dropped my kid off. I yelled at him when he was obstructing me from leaving for work.
Overall, I know he's the wrong guy. I regret having been weak and got involved with such a person. He can sweet talk, but when it comes to actions, he does not respect me. I don't love him anymore. I want to find the best way to end this relationship.
He has been accusing me of using his faults as BS excuses. He's been accusing me of seeing someone else or striking a deal with my ex. I am angry, but I know I have to be strong and maintain my composure for the sake of my children. I don't need another man to make me strong, and to break up with a wrong guy. I am a new Christian, and I firmly believe that God has made me stronger.
What's the best way to get out of this dreadful relationship that's wrong in every aspect, and keep my sanity intact?
I would appreciate any suggestion!
First, grow a spine and acquire some self-respect. I'm really not trying to be cruel, but how could you be so stupid as to get enmeshed with a man who apparently lies without compunction? Really? What in God's name were you thinking? And, given that you are having to ask the advice of a bunch of strangers on a message board when the answer should be obvious to anyone with a two-digit IQ, what in God's name are you thinking right now?
Second, buy a gun and get a carry permit. I don't like guns myself, but this guy sounds like a serious whack job. If you have to wait on a gun or permit, invest in some pepper spray right away. And don't be afraid to use it. This guy may be mentally imbalanced.
Third, get a restraining order. Again, almost immediately. Do not let this man anywhere near you.
Fourth. Tell his family what this guy has been up to. Given the degree to which he'll lie to you, how do you know he hasn't faked his divorce decree?
Here's the thing. The first time you discovered this rat's nest of lies, you should have been out the door. I mean gone. If you have any regard for your child's safety, if you have the first hint of self-respect, you'll protect yourself and your family with swift and decisive action.
And if you aren't willing to do all the things on this list, don't bother showing up again. Because we don't suffer fools gladly, and you have been a fool of the first magnitude.
I appreciate everything you have said and politely disagree with some of your opinion. But I think I've answered to other posts that explained my position.
I don't think this guy will give up everything just to be violent with me. He has his parents, a baby and many relatives that obviously he loves dearly, not that it's my business.
The real problem is that he does not see lying as a big deal, or he does not believe he lied to me, which is why I'm here. Am I delusional or is he in denial?
I just did some research on stalking laws as suggested by a kind member here: initiating a restraining order does carry the risk of turning the stalker into violent behavior.
Please read my other posts. I'll keep an eye out, and things aren't always that black and white.
Wow, do you really need to question this? Get.you're priorities in order and put your best efforts into your children. You will have no regrets. Men are always available when the time is right.
I appreciate everything you have said and politely disagree with some of your opinion. But I think I've answered to other posts that explained my position.
I don't think this guy will give up everything just to be violent with me. He has his parents, a baby and many relatives that obviously he loves dearly, not that it's my business.
He's already risked it all.
The real problem is that he does not see lying as a big deal, or he does not believe he lied to me, which is why I'm here. Am I delusional or is he in denial?
Both.
I just did some research on stalking laws as suggested by a kind member here: initiating a restraining order does carry the risk of turning the stalker into violent behavior.
Driving a car carries the risk of having a crash. But does that mean you don't drive a car? The guy is showing up at your daughter's daycare, for Pete's sake. Use your brain.
Please read my other posts. I'll keep an eye out, and things aren't always that black and white.
Things might not always be, but they are on this occasion. You would have to be a total lunatic to not do everything possible to protect yourself and your child at this very moment.
Sounds like a deportation is in order. We have a enough F-ups in this country as it is with out importing them. If this guy lies as much as you say he probably has a record a mile long. "Back to Iran for him"
get this native persian freak away from you and your kids! and go out during the day to find new interests, not dodgy dating sites
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