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Off-hand, my reaction to the OP's new posts is:
a) You shouldn't be held hostage by a step-child who your husband doesn't really even seem to care about that much. If the mother were to make the father the bad guy by telling the boy his father abandoned him, that's not your fault. You can't be responsible for that.
b) The more you tell us about him, the more problems crop up. The way he handles money is completely the opposite of you. He sounds like a compulsive spender. (Don't be flattered by the fact that he chooses to buy you expensive things when he can't afford them. It's compulsive over-spending any way you dress it.) This sort of thing should be discussed by couples BEFORE they get married! Normally, it's considered to be a major obstacle if the couple disagrees to such a great extent on how to handle money. The two top reasons for marriages breaking up are 1) sex, and 2) money.
This is going to sound harsh, but the fact is that this guy is a financial liability for you. His debts and bad decision are legally yours as well. I'm only bringing all this up (over several posts) to give you food for thought. Your tendency seems to be to gloss over really important issues, and hope for the best. Well, I guess I can't blame you, given the tight spot you're in, with a baby on the way and all. But sooner or later I think these bedrock issues will come to a head, unless you completely knuckle under and go with the flow, ignoring your feelings and instincts, and common sense, for the rest of your life. So the question is (in my mind, I'm sure there will be those who disagree): separation/divorce now/soon, when the baby's too little to know what's going on, or later, when it'll be more messy, and very disruptive for the child. Yes, major stress, but will postponing it a few years solve anything? Do you really think you can make peace with life with a compulsive spender/bad financial decision-maker; someone who doesn't reciprocate when a major decision comes along for you, but expects you to agree to his whims about relocating; a co-parent who might not be reliable and involved in child-care?
Sorry, pretty stark, I know. But...when you ask for opinions from strangers on a forum, you get them. Best of luck, in any case.
P.S. Is your husband up for providing child care/baby care when needed? Can you trust him to take good care of the baby in your absence, or will everything end up being on your shoulders while he plays video games? Have you discussed this?
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 11-10-2012 at 05:48 PM..
Indianapolis is beautiful, I went to school there great place to live. I’m from Columbus, OH but relocated to Indianapolis, IN to attend Indiana University then relocated this year to Louisville, KY for work.
Thank you for your advice and sharing your story! What you and your husband did was amazing! I am a true believer that in a relationship two people have to do what is the best for the 'team' and truly understand each other, at least try through communication, very often this requires one person to compromise for the other. My husband and I always have a communication issue although we love each other.
About relocating to England or China: at the time, he was talking about having his son spend a summer in Landon or Shanghai will be a great experience for him! Maybe Indianapolis is not as cool as those other places?! Now it is all about seeing his son more often. How can I ever win a debate if he keeps says the two same things: no Midwest and see his son often over and over again without giving any reasoning!? He refuses to sit down with me and list all the pros and cons for all our options and choose what is the best for the family. You said exactly the same thing as his mom said: he wants the power and control over me. His mom, dad and I tried to figure out my husband's rationale on certain things, it drove all of us crazy. Everybody loves him to death but says he is stubborn. He is not a team player.
People always say if you love someone you should accept who he is... If you ask me if I love him. yes, absolutely form the bottom of my heart. But do I love him unconditionally while watching him sinking our marriage and he doesn't even realize it? It is very hard to say. I cannot love someone 100% by giving up my principles.
My stepson was not from a previous marriage. But it doesn't change the fact that he is my husband's son. If he could live with us, I would be ok not having my own baby, but he doesn't. It is very easy to accept him in my life because he is a good kid with a good heart. Although sometimes it makes me want to walk away when I see things his parents do to him that I would never do to my child. But a step mom really doesn't have any power to make any major decisions for the kid. For example, his mom had been having issues with my mother-in-law for years. Finally after this summer, I was sentenced that I could never take the kid to see his Grandma anymore. I used to do that from time to time. My mother-in-law lives by the lake. I used to take my stepson there to swim during the summers. He had so much fun. But now because his parents have issues with my mother-in-law, I cannot do that anymore. I cannot understand why my husband and his ex use the kid as a leverage to hurt my mother-in-law who loves my husband and his son so much! This is another problem I have with my husband. He does not have the child's best interest in mind.
I have no intention to use my baby as a leverage to make my husband sacrifice anything for me. But he sure doesn't seem to be concerned what my stress level can do to my baby. I need to stop thinking about the words Indiana or Indianapolis. They make me sad. Not just because of the opportunity but also because how much I am worried about the strength of this marriage. You and your husband can have an ocean in between and still maintain a great relationship and raise a child together, but I have to worry about a 1.5 hrs flight between my husband and I may cause my son not having a father on daily basis.
I do not want to mislead you Jane, it was not amazing what my ex husband and I did..I knew what I was signing up for when I married him, I knew that his military career would always take precedence over us period..
It was very difficult not to have him there but thankfully I had an awesome support system ( My family) and yes at times my ex in-laws would assist in picking up my son when I was working f/t..I made it work…
And yes we were a team but often times he was very egocentric about his needs and we fell lower on his to-do-list..but it needed to be done..
It is possible to have some semblance of love and have communication issues however there seems to be more than communication issues going on here.
It almost seems as if he is happy if things are going HIS WAY..
You stated he often plays video games instead of taking his son to do things his son wants to do when he visits your home?
This to me speaks volumes without the need for words bust solely based on actions..
He gets to see his boy every other weekend and for those 2 weekends a month her cannot do things his son is interested in? These are very specific teachable moments, bonding moments and he seems to have a disregard for this, this to me is very egocentric…
Of course he is going to thank you for taking his son to do these things, this means he can have more “Alone time”
This is not a good dad in my book.This seems to be a father of convenience..
My ex is like this now..He will once in awhile take my son surfing or actually do something with him when his g/f is not making a big deal out of it or when he does not have “Band practice” which is conveniently on one of the days he sees our son..My son has stated that he just sits on the couch as his dad practices with the band on his laptop, then he will run and get him something to eat then drop him off at home.
This is very sad..Sometimes parent forget that children DO grow up and when they get a certain age? They do want anything to do with mom or dad, this is why these times are so precious.
The fact that he though it was a good idea to move abroad? And stated that his son would enjoy times abroad rather than a mid-west Podunk town?
An excuse, this is all it is..A child will be happy anywhere where the parent spends valuable time with them and finding things to do in their place of residence or nearby cities..
I truly believe that you could have gotten a job offer anywhere but since this was about you? He would have had an issue with every place you named..NYC, CHICAGO, LOS ANGELES, SAN FRANSICO …He would have had some rebuttal as to why he did not want to be there..
He is using his son as leverage and this is sad..
My belief is that because he is not in control he is going to refute anything you say…
I agree with you regarding the mother in law..it is sad that they forbade you to take the boy there, just because they have issues, however have you asked what the issues are as to why grandma is off limits?
As far as custody? I feel had your husband wanted custody of his son he would fought harder than every other weekend…
His ex wife seems to have issues however they are not so big to your husband since he has allowed his son to reside there and stated to you that taking him from her would devastate her? If you know that harm is coming to your child, then you do not think like this as a real concerned parent, your first concern is to try and rectify the situation, go back to mediation, get more time with the child and then work towards custody.
It will haveto come from him though and not you..
All you can do? Is love that baby when he is with you, make your self accessible when he is not there ( Give him your cell phone and be available when he needs to talk)
Yes it is wrong of your husband to be putting you through this stress when you are so far along in your pregnancy…
Yes you should not think about the job offer now since you are so far into your pregnancy, you are looking to go on maternity leave soon.
However I would use this experience as a platform of how you will deal with this issue from here on out.
You have stated “communication” time and time again..I hate to say this, but there is a reason he is not with his ex anymore and it could be likely that it was issues they both had and brought to the table however he needs to REALIZE that you are a different woman with different morals, values, mind set and he needs to get useto this.
Right now it is just the two of you, this is not going to be the case for to long, that baby is coming and babies, children DO change the dynamics of a relationship..
Playing video games a lot of the time, the indifference of issues when it comes to your needs is not going to get better, it will get worse..
The way he approaches his life regarding his son is most likely what is going to occur with your child..
So if you plan to have him in your life as well as the life of your child? A talk is in order and counseling as well…
No lawyer is needed at this point since there is no talk of separation however regarding what you have stated here to all of us I doubt a judge will ward custody to him and I doubt he will fight for it..
You stated you did not want your child to ask you when they are old enough “why did you and my father break up?” And for you to state that you wanted a job and he did not want to move…somehow I think this is not the real answer..
I think you need to grab the bulls by the horn, tell him a serious talk is in order and couples counseling…one day at a time…
All my blessings
I do not want to mislead you Jane, it was not amazing what my ex husband and I did..I knew what I was signing up for when I married him, I knew that his military career would always take precedence over us period..
It was very difficult not to have him there but thankfully I had an awesome support system ( My family) and yes at times my ex in-laws would assist in picking up my son when I was working f/t..I made it work…
And yes we were a team but often times he was very egocentric about his needs and we fell lower on his to-do-list..but it needed to be done..
It is possible to have some semblance of love and have communication issues however there seems to be more than communication issues going on here.
It almost seems as if he is happy if things are going HIS WAY..
You stated he often plays video games instead of taking his son to do things his son wants to do when he visits your home?
This to me speaks volumes without the need for words bust solely based on actions..
He gets to see his boy every other weekend and for those 2 weekends a month her cannot do things his son is interested in? These are very specific teachable moments, bonding moments and he seems to have a disregard for this, this to me is very egocentric…
Of course he is going to thank you for taking his son to do these things, this means he can have more “Alone time”
This is not a good dad in my book.This seems to be a father of convenience..
My ex is like this now..He will once in awhile take my son surfing or actually do something with him when his g/f is not making a big deal out of it or when he does not have “Band practice” which is conveniently on one of the days he sees our son..My son has stated that he just sits on the couch as his dad practices with the band on his laptop, then he will run and get him something to eat then drop him off at home.
This is very sad..Sometimes parent forget that children DO grow up and when they get a certain age? They do want anything to do with mom or dad, this is why these times are so precious.
The fact that he though it was a good idea to move abroad? And stated that his son would enjoy times abroad rather than a mid-west Podunk town?
An excuse, this is all it is..A child will be happy anywhere where the parent spends valuable time with them and finding things to do in their place of residence or nearby cities..
I truly believe that you could have gotten a job offer anywhere but since this was about you? He would have had an issue with every place you named..NYC, CHICAGO, LOS ANGELES, SAN FRANSICO …He would have had some rebuttal as to why he did not want to be there..
He is using his son as leverage and this is sad..
My belief is that because he is not in control he is going to refute anything you say…
I agree with you regarding the mother in law..it is sad that they forbade you to take the boy there, just because they have issues, however have you asked what the issues are as to why grandma is off limits?
As far as custody? I feel had your husband wanted custody of his son he would fought harder than every other weekend…
His ex wife seems to have issues however they are not so big to your husband since he has allowed his son to reside there and stated to you that taking him from her would devastate her? If you know that harm is coming to your child, then you do not think like this as a real concerned parent, your first concern is to try and rectify the situation, go back to mediation, get more time with the child and then work towards custody.
It will haveto come from him though and not you..
All you can do? Is love that baby when he is with you, make your self accessible when he is not there ( Give him your cell phone and be available when he needs to talk)
Yes it is wrong of your husband to be putting you through this stress when you are so far along in your pregnancy…
Yes you should not think about the job offer now since you are so far into your pregnancy, you are looking to go on maternity leave soon.
However I would use this experience as a platform of how you will deal with this issue from here on out.
You have stated “communication” time and time again..I hate to say this, but there is a reason he is not with his ex anymore and it could be likely that it was issues they both had and brought to the table however he needs to REALIZE that you are a different woman with different morals, values, mind set and he needs to get useto this.
Right now it is just the two of you, this is not going to be the case for to long, that baby is coming and babies, children DO change the dynamics of a relationship..
Playing video games a lot of the time, the indifference of issues when it comes to your needs is not going to get better, it will get worse..
The way he approaches his life regarding his son is most likely what is going to occur with your child..
So if you plan to have him in your life as well as the life of your child? A talk is in order and counseling as well…
No lawyer is needed at this point since there is no talk of separation however regarding what you have stated here to all of us I doubt a judge will ward custody to him and I doubt he will fight for it..
You stated you did not want your child to ask you when they are old enough “why did you and my father break up?” And for you to state that you wanted a job and he did not want to move…somehow I think this is not the real answer..
I think you need to grab the bulls by the horn, tell him a serious talk is in order and couples counseling…one day at a time…
All my blessings
What your ex husband is doing to your son is exactly why I am hesitant to leave my husband. At least if i am there, I can ensure we (I) will spend quality time with my son. Ever since my husband bought a laptop for my stepson two years ago, my stepson has been drawn to video games. He used to beg my husband to take him to Monkey Joes or the pool. Now he never asked any more because all he wants is just video games and watching TV. When he is home, the poor child said his mom plays video games with him too. if I dont step in, this will be exactly what will hapen to my son, so I won't let that happen (max. 2 hrs on weekend day is my limit). There WILL be a video game battle down the road I know i will have to deal with. When my son sees his big brother playing video games all the time in our house with his dad, my son will get jealous.
As far as parenting being concerned, both my husband and I have strength and weakness. As long as we have a mutual agreement on rules, and don't step onto each other's toes, parenting with my husband may become very effective. For example, my husband is extremely patient with my stepson. Sometimes when my stepson throws a temper, it makes me want to pull my hair. But my husband can talk very calmly to the kid and make him realize what he did wrong. In four years, I only saw my husband almost lost control once when he tried to get my stepson out of the pool to have breakfast. I do admire that level of patience and hope I can be that patient with my own son. For the first two years of the baby's life, I don't think I can find a better help than my husband and I have NO DOUBT that he will take good care of my son. Video games may hinder his ability to get out of that chair more often, but I am sure a crying baby can pull him out of his fantasy world quicker than I can. He is not a neglegent dad. He just doesn't think about it too much.
He does know a LOT about how to handle a newborn baby. Sometimes when my girl friends who are new moms or moms-to-be and I were trying to figure out how to deal with a certain situation and had no clue what we are talking about, he would chim in to correct us and start talking as an expert. it is very funny but cute. I can tell he had lots of hands-on experience and was not just talking. He already told me in several occasions that he will take turns with me at night to feed the baby. I told him since he has a job and needs to get up early in the morning I can feed the baby at nights on my own and he can sleep in another bedroom if he prefers during the work days so he can get good sleep. But he insisted staying with me and the baby to help me. That was what he did with his ex.
Of course after two years, my intrinsic 'tiger mom' value can kick in and be put into effective use on things like education, after school activities, cultivating interests and hobbies on whatever the baby will have interests in, etc. That is what I am looking for.
Before I applied the job in Indiana I talked to my husband about relocation. At that time, he said if the offer and position are really good, he will consider, so we narrowed down a few places we both agreed that we can relocate to. He said he was fine with Chicago (nice city) and Indiana (only for this position) and a few other places within 4 hrs of drive from Charlotte (where he can still see his son on the weekends). I wish I put it on paper, becasue he seems to have a memory loss. He now doesn't want to move in large part also because he just went back to his old employer who offered him a position a week after he lost his last job. His current group actually has half of the group right outside of Indianapolis in a town called Plainfield which will be 35 mins from my office. So if his man's ego doesn't allow him to take the job I 'landed for him', he can still transfer to Indiana to be with me and I think his current boss should be able to understand it. But he doesn't want to.
I will love my stepson and provide him as much as I can when he is here. But as naula suggested, I will stay close to my stepmom's scope and not interfere with my husband's decison about how to raise he child. It is painful sometimes not to say anything, but I will try! Giving my stepson my cell phone number is a very good idea so he can call me when he needs me. I will do that. Thank you!
I am planning to have a talk with my husband later this evening after we dropped off my stepson. We need to come to a common ground on financial issues. I have been trying to change him too much. Now I need to make sure we BOTH will compromise. I do need him to understand my concerns about this marriage and all problems revealed by this relocation issue. If we can start a good communication and work on building a stronger marriage, it will be worthwhile to give up any job opportunities. Staying with him is what I prefer the most. I was a workaholic before I met him. After we got married, I did feel a lot happier.
If he still shows unwillingness to work with me on finance and gives me unsatisfied answers about his attitudes towards relocation, it will affect what I am going to tell the Inidiana company tomororw. I have been dragging this offer for too long. I need to give them a firm answer soon.
Last edited by Jane990775; 11-11-2012 at 09:18 AM..
Indianapolis is beautiful, I went to school there great place to live. I’m from Columbus, OH but relocated to Indianapolis, IN to attend Indiana University then relocated this year to Louisville, KY for work.
Based on what I see there, I don't think I will feel much difference from living in Charlotte. The weather will be harsh I think just don't know how bad it can be. Charlotte has very mild winters which I love and hate (I grow up from northern China). It will be easier on the baby.
The most difficult question that all wives and mothers must ask themselves is what do you value more, your career or your family? If your marriage is bad, the obvious choice is to move out to the Midwest with your child and provide for the two of you there. If you are in a good marriage then it's time to make some sacrifices, the career has to take the backseat. Your husband doesn't sound like a bad guy, although he may not be perfect he still sounds like he is emotionally invested in your relationship. You can't possibly ask him to move 1,000 miles away from his child....
The most difficult question that all wives and mothers must ask themselves is what do you value more, your career or your family? If your marriage is bad, the obvious choice is to move out to the Midwest with your child and provide for the two of you there. If you are in a good marriage then it's time to make some sacrifices, the career has to take the backseat. Your husband doesn't sound like a bad guy, although he may not be perfect he still sounds like he is emotionally invested in your relationship. You can't possibly ask him to move 1,000 miles away from his child....
There's another thread going right now about a husband so maybe I'm confusing them, but isn't this the same guy that cannot contribute as a financial equal and spends his weekend time playing video games? That's pretty bad. And I don't think advising women to choose family over career is productive. That's exactly why millions of women find themselves in family situations where they are working f/t, taking care of the kids and home f/t, and the husband acts like a child who needs to be cared for as well. Women need to start leading their families safely and proactively.
...Your tendency seems to be to gloss over really important issues, and hope for the best....
Now i wish my husband can post here too so you can hear both sides of the story and make a fair judgement. Because everything I said about him is heresay evidence. If my husband comes here to post on the same issue, his title may be: "is my wife selfish and controlling?". I have stated lots of what I think is truth but to state the whole truth yet to make it concise, unbiased, and to the point does require skills beyond my present mental capabilities. Over the past a few days, I have got great advice/inputs from everywhere (Thank everybody for reading and replying to my thread! Everyone of you gave me insights about my situation!). I have been swinging between the ideas of leaving him or staying with him. My heart tells me to stay with him, but the reality did hurt me. Sometimes one idea overpowers the other which did affect what i wrote each time. When I want to stay with him, I do tend to gloss over important issues. As many suggested, I will work with him on the important issues. If things still don't work out, when the next opportunity comes along, I will leave with my baby.
Sorry, pretty stark, I know. But...when you ask for opinions from strangers on a forum, you get them. Best of luck, in any case.
It's ok! I WANTED to get different opinions even though some sound harsh. But those opinions do help me wake up to face the reality. That is what I need. I decided not to break up my marriage because of this incident, but I sure will be smarter in the future. All his problems existed before our marriage and I knew all those but I decided to accept him for who he was. I am responsible for the communication disconnection too. It will be my quest in the next a few months to improve it so we can get to a common ground about what we both want in this marriage.
P.S. Is your husband up for providing child care/baby care when needed? Can you trust him to take good care of the baby in your absence, or will everything end up being on your shoulders while he plays video games? Have you discussed this?
In my previous posts, I did mention I was worried that my husband won't provide proper care to my child because of his video game addiction. The truth is: I won't trust anybody to give proper care to my child except myself not even my parents. I am the hands-on person who wants to do everything on my own. He won't be talking and playing with the baby a lot but that is happen to be the part I like the most. As far as changing diapers, feeding him, or if the baby is sick. I think he will be a great help. So things won't just all fall on my shoulder. He did express the willingness to take care of the baby with me many times. Sorry for the confusion!
Last edited by Jane990775; 11-11-2012 at 10:44 AM..
My heart tells me to stay with him, but the reality did hurt me. Sometimes one idea over powers the other which did affect each time I wrote. When I want to stay with him, I do tend to gloss over important issues. As many suggested, I will work with him on the important issues. If things still don't work out, when the next opportunity comes along, I will leave with my baby.
What does your gut say? Not your heart or head, but your gut. I say this because the heart has a way of talking the head out of good decisions, but the gut never lies.
Really, the question you need to let your gut answer for you is: Will you and your baby be better off with this man, or without him?
The most difficult question that all wives and mothers must ask themselves is what do you value more, your career or your family? If your marriage is bad, the obvious choice is to move out to the Midwest with your child and provide for the two of you there. If you are in a good marriage then it's time to make some sacrifices, the career has to take the backseat. Your husband doesn't sound like a bad guy, although he may not be perfect he still sounds like he is emotionally invested in your relationship. You can't possibly ask him to move 1,000 miles away from his child....
If he didn't give me 'permission' to look for a job outside of NC, I wouldn't have done it and even consider this offer. When he wanted to relocate to another country, it is an advantage to have his over to experience a new city. But when I need to relocate to 8 hrs away, it became a disadvantage. He has a logic flaw here. It is possible that he was just saying to relocate to another country but when reality hits, he does not really want to leave his son. That is fine. But I need to hear from his month. The official 'interrogation' starts later today. please let me know if anyone has good ideas about how to bring up each question or which I shouldn't bring up.
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Best of luck, in any case. 
He won't be talking and playing with the baby a lot but that is happen to be the part I like the most. As far as changing diapers, feeding him, or if the baby is sick. I think he will be a great help. So things won't just all fall on my shoulder. He did express the willingness to take care of the baby with me many times. Sorry for the confusion! 
