Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It sounds like you have a reasonable plan. I hardly ever advocate divorce...I really believe that when two people marry, there is some underlying love that can hopefully be salvaged. It's much harder to work on things than to just walk away (although walking away is hard, too)...
Anyway, at 25, your guy is too young to be so set in his ways...to have so many rules for what real men do...I know we don't have his side, but based on what you say he says to you...I don't know that you would even want to salvage that. It does make me happy for you that you appear strong...not just for yourself but for your girls, too.
its not that he remembered more details of what happnd thaat nite with the neighbor, its the fact that he changed the story around several times.!!and then i throw in the fact that he doesnt respect the fact that i dont want him watchin porn and all the other stuff.
i understand what u mean, that there are three sides to every story, my side his side and the truth. this is my perception of everything. this is the stuff he said to me, this is the way he acts with me. now, he may say that i nagged him with that neighbor thing and yeah maybe i did because asking him once wasnt good enough for me. he lied multiple times.
since im askin for neutral opinions, i throw in the fact that he lies and that he doesnt respect some of my feelings.
alot of times, and its just like what shellnic was saying how, when u get into a heated convo about something or someone, u start remembering or mentioning every little thing u once thought was little, but when realization finally hits u, it wasa huge red flag.
wow i 4got to mention this.. i told him that he talks to me with no respect at all and some1 with enough sesnse wouldve left him already an dhe says good luck finding sum1 because since i have kids.. im used goods that men, especially real men never date or marry a woman who has kids already. that no real man raises sum1 elses kids .. how ridiculous?
then when hes in a nice mood hes like i only say mean things to u because u get me mad. ugh
this is emotional abuse and his attempt to crush your self esteem so he can control you. Kids or no kids you'd have zero problem finding someone much better than him and someone that is willing to support kids that aren't yours shows they have more character than your husband will ever have.
omg nuala, u nailed it with your post about the 10signs. wow, he fits the description entirely except for the control thing.. he rather me to be self sufficent to do things on my own. as a matr of fact he leaves everything up to me. all car work and everything. i can probably take a car apart and put it back together!! the same for weapons!
. if theres a noise in the middle of the nite ill try to wake him up and he will say oh leave me alone im tired.usually my dogs would bark until he finally woke up but i learned how to use a gun, got my license for it and everything and so if i ever hear anything and my dogs are barking, i grab my gun and go check it out. hes like oh good u got it. what a man. usually, its just a racoon my dogs heard outside but still,, omg.
are you serious? Everything he's doing is to control you. That is why people are abusive to begin with. They want to degrade your self worth/self esteem so that they can control you and the relationship. As far as him wanting you to be self suffcient? really? to me it sounds like he's a lazy jerk and not willing to put the effort into helping you and the family.
1. Jealousy and Possessiveness—Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.
2. Control—He is overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention. He controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if woman begins showing signs of independence or strength.
3. Superiority—He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be “right†by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.
4. Manipulates—Tells you you’re crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it’s your fault he is abusive. Says he can’t help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to “help†him. Tells others you are unstable.
5. Mood Swings—His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.
6. Actions don’t match words—He breaks promises, says he loves you, and then abuses you.
7. Punishes you—An emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the “silent game†as punishment when he doesn’t get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.
8. Unwilling to seek help—An abusive man doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? Does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances.
This list is fantastic; everyone should know these signs.
Most recently I was with a guy whose actions never matched his words.
Then came the other signs. I have no interest in being lied to, deceived, controlled & owned.
Loser. And a cheater. Anyone who starts out an inane statement with "Real men don't" deserves to be dumped. But you have kids, and you should make a go of saving the marriage if you can - or at least getting to the bottom of what's going on. (I worry about a guy like this turning abusive though - that whole "real men" justification for selfishness is the refuge of a coward.)
Why would he tell multiple versions of a neighbor bringing over dessert? That's just utterly illogical. I think your guess is correct.
You need couples counseling at the very least.
To be perfectly honest, I've had some very close friends who are Marines - I adore them. But there are some guys who go into the Marines because they have personal inadequacies and think that will fix them or make them feel manlier. But the truth is that the Marines isn't about making people into functional members of society - it's about making functional members of the Marines. So most of those people who go into the Marines as dicks come out as dicks - just dicks with military discipline who think they're now better human beings.
You are spot on. They are a totally differently level of as*hole. When you get to know some of them personally, this becomes apparent. Controlling, abusive, and everything else.
Loser. And a cheater. Anyone who starts out an inane statement with "Real men don't" deserves to be dumped. But you have kids, and you should make a go of saving the marriage if you can - or at least getting to the bottom of what's going on. (I worry about a guy like this turning abusive though - that whole "real men" justification for selfishness is the refuge of a coward.)
Why would he tell multiple versions of a neighbor bringing over dessert? That's just utterly illogical. I think your guess is correct.
You need couples counseling at the very least.
To be perfectly honest, I've had some very close friends who are Marines - I adore them. But there are some guys who go into the Marines because they have personal inadequacies and think that will fix them or make them feel manlier. But the truth is that the Marines isn't about making people into functional members of society - it's about making functional members of the Marines. So most of those people who go into the Marines as dicks come out as dicks - just dicks with military discipline who think they're now better human beings.
That chip on your shoulder must be pretty heavy. You surely must be single...
I might add the OP sounds exactly like my ex wife who was doing every guy in the neighborhood and repeatedly accused me of infidelity because of her own actions and insecurities. She was so jealous I couldn't talk to any of the women in our Sunday School class without being accused of wanting to go to bed with them. Getting rid of her was the best decision I ever made in my life. Mandy, if anything ruins your marriage it will be you...
niteryder, maybe it is partially me thats the cause of my marriage being ruined. i dont really accuse him of cheating left and rite tho but i do accuse him of lying or hiding things! when he said a totally different story again about wht happnd that nite his father told me he was it the woman downstairs thats when i was like wow a totally different story!! why did u change the story around and i was like this is why i never believed what u said the day after your dad told me that. i told him that he was hiding something. i did accuse him of possibly cheating because he was hiding something because the truth does not change. how can u go from not going downstairs at all, to oh i was with my friend, when his friend said he hadnt seen him. to oh yeah i was downstairs throwin out garbage and oh yeah she ate dinner with us. again the truth does not change!! lol
i was talking to my friend last nite who is also a marine wife. her husband and mine work together and shes tellin me that they are going to take a mini vacay for this 4 day wknd, and i was like what 4 day wknd shes like oh u didnt know, our guys get a 4 day for vetrans day weeknd. i felt so stupid! then i ask him y he didnt tell me about a 4day wknd, and hes like "well u wouldvefigured it out when im off 2moro".. me asking him why he didnt tellme about the 4 day is i guess my way of accusing him of lying i guess..but this is the stupid type of hiding and lying that i dont like.
so maybe when i call out his lies and him hiding stuff is damaging to my marriage. but i have to speak my mind with him about it because it hurts to bite my tongue. some ppl accuse their significant other of cheating because yes, they themselves are doing it and they are being paranoid and think that well, if they are cheating maybe their significant other is cheating to and startthe accusations.. im not paranoid and im not cheating on him. hes got a nasty domineering attitude. and over the course of my marriage, that attitude is smething that i have grown sick of.
i asked him last nite that im thinking about possibly ending the marriage but if we go to marriage counseling maybe it will help workout the issues we have and he said that there was no way he was going to go to marriage counseling. that theres nothing wrong with him and that if i divorce him its because im a crappy person who wants to ruin my daughters lives and his life because im selfish. when i asked him y im selfish, he says u just are.
i know what hes doing now.. hes giving me the guilt trip, hes reversing stuff around to make it look like everything is my fault. it takes two to tango, and if i ruined my marriage, its because he helped me.
you don't believe him...what else is there to say about it?
you obviously are still with him despite thinking he has been with other girls then you. make the choice that you believe is that best for you. if not suffer in silence as nobody else can change your life for the better or worse but you yourself
what "he wants" in the end really doesn't matter to your life as a individual.
rego00123, i dont know about other girls but i think something def went on with him and the neighbor. its hard to suffer in silence but now hes putting the guilt trip on me about divorce and hes saying how evrything in the house is his because hes the one with the income and his money buys everything in the house. and the house is his too andhe wont leave it to me.
last nite after the talk about marriage counseling and divorce, he took my wallet and my phone from my purse and said its all his too. i eventually found where he hid my wallet and phone but still. this is ridiculous, when i found it, he laughed and said. "fine, u win but its still mine and nothing is yours" like a lil child omg!! he says the kids are his because they came from him. without his seed there would be no fertilized egg. i mean cmon. he thinks hes some sort of god sometimes. ugh
i have to say, hes the only one that thinks that. lol because i for sure dont.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This may have ruined my marriage
