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Old 11-18-2012, 11:50 PM
 
7 posts, read 15,262 times
Reputation: 13

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Ok I'll spare a lot of the details but I'll preface this by saying I'm pretty bad with women. I have a lot of friends that are girls, but I struggle to get dates/girlfriends. I'm not super attractive, which of course would help, more like average, maybe slightly above average in looks. But I generally don't go for the top, most attractive girls for a number of reasons, but mainly because they are out of my league haha.

Main thing is confidence. I lack it. Even when I'm a little drunk I lack the balls to approach women most of the time and need friends to light a fire under my *****. I'm not really aggressive at all.

So anyway there is this one girl and we are pretty close. I might be her best guy friend, and apparently she said a while ago if she had to marry one of her friends it would be me (one of her friends told me this). We started out as friends, I wasn't even going for it at the start.

Then she found someone and they starting going out. I was happy for her, he seemed like a nice guy. Seemed being the key word, he was a total dick to her. He never hit her, but he verbally assaulted her nearly every weekend. She kept going back to him until they finally broke up for good (maybe..lol). I did not meddle at all with her relationship, but all of her friends were glad to see them apart.

So she has been single for a few months now and our friendship is about normal, the same, which is pretty good. Honestly it is about as good as a boy-girl friendship can be without going another step. A step I kinda tried to take. lol

She kinda came on to me one night a few weeks ago, but she was REALLY gone and I just wanted to get her home, but in the back of my mind I was thinking maybe she might like me. And I kinda wanted to act fast. People were kind of mentioning that I should ask her out, from friends to family to general acquaintances. Her best friend kind of danced around it, and it was slightly awkward, but I got the best friends approval lol.


But then something happened last week that kinda forced me to spill my hand and I could kinda tell right away she didn't feel the same. We messaged the next day and I got the typical "you are such a genuinely nice guy" and "I want to be friends for the rest of our lives" and she said she was sorry for leading me on.

Was kinda deflated, not gonna lie. Of course something like this sucks, but I'm trying to see the silver lining. She was pretty (but not Completely out of my league), smart, good personality, pretty solid overall, we get along very, she takes my jokes and makes fun of me right back.

But there are certain things that I didn't really like, but they weren't really big enough to be problems. She was in a bad relationship before and she wasn't really the problem but I wouldn't say she was easy to be in a relationship with. I'm trying to focus on that reason and others like it lol.
We are both 20 years old and she always mentioned how she didn't want to get married until she was around 30. She's very career oriented and just likes being single in general.

I'm not sure how to completely interpret it. I know I should just move on and I'm definitely going to (I mean I have no choice lol, there are a lot of fish in the sea), but my friend was telling me to move on but she just doesn't know what she wants right now, just got off bad relationship, enjoys being single, etc...
Meh, it would be nice to think it could work out in the future, but I'm definitely not going to hold my breath. She gave me the typical friend zone answer.



I'm glad I told her how I felt though since it sucks to like someone and them not like you back but it sucks even more if you like them but never tell them how you feel. Kind of gave me some closure. I was already looking for other people, but she was always my first choice/target if you will.


Still sucks though, and I'm still pretty inept with women though. I'm a junior in college though, I'm kind of entering the prime of my life, I feel like I'm partially wasting it.




so guess I kinda needed to vent, get some encouragement, tips, etc...
gonna be pretty awkward being around her the next few weeks haha



thanks
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Old 11-19-2012, 12:14 AM
 
6,373 posts, read 10,306,820 times
Reputation: 6345
Quote:
Originally Posted by bceagles22 View Post

Was kinda deflated, not gonna lie. Of course something like this sucks, but I'm trying to see the silver lining. She was pretty (but not Completely out of my league), smart, good personality, pretty solid overall, we get along very, she takes my jokes and makes fun of me right back.

so guess I kinda needed to vent, get some encouragement, tips, etc...
gonna be pretty awkward being around her the next few weeks haha



thanks
Don't do that again. Don't wait around to see if anything develops between you and a female friend. If you have some form of attraction, act right away. I realize that your attraction developed over time, and that has happened to me too, but still ... not a good method. Slow, heartbreaking, and low odds of success.

Been there many times my man. I'm sorry.
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Old 11-19-2012, 12:32 AM
 
4,338 posts, read 6,240,828 times
Reputation: 1633
Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
Don't do that again. Don't wait around to see if anything develops between you and a female friend. If you have some form of attraction, act right away. I realize that your attraction developed over time, and that has happened to me too, but still ... not a good method. Slow, heartbreaking, and low odds of success.

Been there many times my man. I'm sorry.
Unfortunately, you are right. It really should be the other way around you know. Friendship first then something more. It can work with some older women if you are good looking though.
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Old 11-19-2012, 12:58 AM
 
108 posts, read 134,744 times
Reputation: 140
Quote:
Originally Posted by Info Guy View Post
Unfortunately, you are right. It really should be the other way around you know. Friendship first then something more. It can work with some older women if you are good looking though.

If you have that kind of personality (or are very inexperienced) then friendships with the opposite sex just aren't a good idea (unless it's someone for whom you could never develop romantic feelings). You'll always just end up exploited for emotional comfort and pining away for women that wouldn't sleep with you in a million years (or at least until they're ready to settle).

Last edited by inmate347; 11-19-2012 at 01:29 AM..
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Old 11-19-2012, 03:29 AM
 
6,981 posts, read 3,981,948 times
Reputation: 5116
22, you sound like a good guy and a good person, i think that when girls are very young, they are into the guys who treat them like crap moreso than the 'nice guy' who treats them right. When girls get older, and they get their 'fill' of jerks and the jerk stuff kinda gets old, they start looking to marry nice guys.....like you.

I think that putting this particular girl aside for a second, you need to just clear your head and focus on your future. One of the biggest keys to attracting girls is acting like you dont care. Act like you can take it or leave it. If you act like you really want her, she will see right thru you, girls are skilled beyond belief like this, they KNOW if a guy wants them or not...so, you have to work on getting the girl to ask herself "hmmm, why isnt he hitting on me, i dont get it". If she thinks that, she might start to get attracted more than just a friend.....girls wont be as attracted to you if they know you're easy to get and they can have you at the snap of their fingers.

The guys who 'try hard' dont do as well as the guys who are really good at acting like they dont give a crap. Girls are more attracted (in general) to men who act like they can take it or leave it and its no big deal either way.
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Old 11-19-2012, 06:26 AM
 
12,457 posts, read 15,453,769 times
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Oh gosh... I don't even know what to say to this. I feel both your pain and her pain.
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Old 11-19-2012, 06:41 AM
 
5,485 posts, read 5,883,893 times
Reputation: 5793
Unless a relationship of this sort begins as FWB, women for the most part keep their lovers and friends seperate. You cannot expect a girl to treat you like an emotional tampon for awhile, and then flip a switch and start respecting you as a man. Forget about this girl and focus on yourself. There are no leagues, its a made up social concept but you believing that there are women too good for you or too pretty for you screams about low self confidence, which you seem to recognize in your post. Stop being so nice, as you see, the girls around your age group dont respect nice guys whatsoever, and when they call you that, it pretty much means that they think youre a ***** and not manly enough for them. Approach ONLY the most attractive of females, because there are endless benefits for a man who does that. For one, no chick is out of your league, a requirement for approaching ANY woman on this globe is for you to be a man, so please check between your legs and if there is something there, that means its good enough for any breathing female. Two, when you approach the most attractive of women, all of the other girls notice and what it tells them about you, is that you have high self worth, high self esteem and great level of self confidence. Even if you strike out with the supermodel, all of the other girls around will automaticaly be more attracted to you based on what they just witnessed. Finaly, realize that every man gets rejected. Handle it swiftly and like its no big deal. Provided, your level of success maybe lower, when you approach the hard 9s and 10s, but when one says yes, guess what, youre banging a super hot chick. Grow a pair and grow up.
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Old 11-19-2012, 08:23 AM
 
Location: Podunk, Cackalacky
300 posts, read 532,432 times
Reputation: 345
Quote:
Originally Posted by inmate347 View Post
If you have that kind of personality (or are very inexperienced) then friendships with the opposite sex just aren't a good idea (unless it's someone for whom you could never develop romantic feelings). You'll always just end up exploited for emotional comfort and pining away for women that wouldn't sleep with you in a million years (or at least until they're ready to settle).
I agree. It can be hard to stay in a friendship with someone when you're waiting around for more and hurting in the meantime. If it were me, I'd distance myself to prevent more pain. There may be no need to officially burn the bridge, but try seeing her less often or take a break for some weeks, see other people to remind yourself that there are other women out there, and don't cave if she tries to lead you on again the next time she has a moment of weakness, a breakup to cry about, or a drunken moment of indiscretion.
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Old 11-19-2012, 11:58 AM
 
4,338 posts, read 6,240,828 times
Reputation: 1633
Quote:
Originally Posted by inmate347 View Post
If you have that kind of personality (or are very inexperienced) then friendships with the opposite sex just aren't a good idea (unless it's someone for whom you could never develop romantic feelings). You'll always just end up exploited for emotional comfort and pining away for women that wouldn't sleep with you in a million years (or at least until they're ready to settle).
Right.

It all depends on the woman though. What if you are super good looking?
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Old 11-19-2012, 12:16 PM
J24
 
Location: Portland, OR
448 posts, read 611,053 times
Reputation: 891
I had a very similar situation. I was best friends with a girl, who I had always had feelings for in a way. She had a boyfriend when I first met her. I was there for her when he broke up with her. She found another guy, and I found another girl. I made it clear that I liked her, but she made it clear we were much better as "best friends". After a few months though, I guess she realize that we were a pretty good fit because her feelings toward me changed, and we ended up dating. Didn't work out in the long run, unfortunately, but that was a whole different issue. Point is, her feelings could always change, friendzone or not.
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