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I think to answer this question would require an intensely self aware person.
I haven't met that many people I would say is that aware of themselves.....
5 or 6 for myself, but as I referenced..... maybe I don't have enough self awareness to answer the question properly.
It's not necessarily a good thing to be intensely self-aware. In fact I sometimes wish I was a sociopath who had no self-awareness at all, because it would lead to more success in the world than being someone who knows and catalogues every excruciating detail about oneself.
Also, I am really not sure why people are bringing kids, income, etc., into it unless those things are directly related to experience with the behavior of an ex. I take baggage to mean "fears or negative emotions incurred because of past experiences with other partners."
In my mind "baggage" is something you take with you, it's what's accompanying you when you go from one place to another. Whether in a relationship or on holiday, not just your hand luggage (mental) but the lot including physical accoutrements.
That's how I look at it anyway, maybe i'm being too literal
Is it generally true that if a man has kids that live with the mother it's a rather limited knock, but if a woman has kids and she wants to live with a man that has none that it's a bigger deal.
In my mind "baggage" is something you take with you, it's what's accompanying you when you go from one place to another. Whether in a relationship or on holiday, not just your hand luggage (mental) but the lot including physical accoutrements.
That's how I look at it anyway, maybe i'm being too literal
I think you're being too literal. I think it's purely mental. The only other dimension it might have is financial. While I haven't read it, I think the book and/or the expression "Wherever You Go, There You Are" speaks to the fact that you can alter a person's external appearance, and even their place of residence, but you can't undo what's inside their head.
Is it generally true that if a man has kids that live with the mother it's a rather limited knock, but if a woman has kids and she wants to live with a man that has none that it's a bigger deal.
I think it has more to do with people who already have kids moving in with people who don't. It's quite an adjustment to go from single person to attached and living with a five year old. Especially if they're the ones moving into what used to be your space, rather than moving into their home.
I'd say I'm pretty high up there, I have some pretty serious trust issues.
Is it generally true that if a man has kids that live with the mother it's a rather limited knock, but if a woman has kids and she wants to live with a man that has none that it's a bigger deal.
The mother in most cases has custody of the children, which means she is the primary caretaker.
In a lot of cases, the father is just a father in name. He could be there on the weekends, be there when he feels like it, or in worst case scenario, never be there.
As a man who dated a woman with multiple children, it is VERY difficult to date a woman who has more than one child. Their time, energy and emotion must be so invested in their children, if they are a good mother.
A woman I know dated a man with a child, and he was always somewhere else for work. So, he never had to see or take care of the kid. He was a hot property and got lots of women. For an alpha male, having children is not necessarily a knock (at least in a non marriage sense).
It totally depends on the person. One person's "baggage" might be a complete non-issue for someone else.
Not a question that can really be answered by anyone but the person doing the looking.
Ha! My current SO....married for 45 years and widowed. Three adult children with kids, constantly checking on him.
Now, that is major baggage. A "10"....plus.
I was married to a liar for 15 years. That is "baggage". I pretty much consider everything someone says is suspect.
Sadly, I knew a beautiful woman, who got married at age 50, her kids were grown and gone. Then, her daughter had brain cancer. Of course, she could not work, came home, basically to die. The Step Father was enraged. His "plan" was a wife who could go golfing, travel, plan dinner parties. All crashed due to this kid moving home. He threw her out. With her dying daughter. I knew this woman personally, and it has completely made me view relationships differently.
Last edited by jasper12; 11-24-2012 at 02:06 PM..
Reason: edit
Interesting question. On paper I really don't have any baggage. Yes I am divorced, but have no kids, no real debt, anand a good career. But the truth is, I have emotional baggage thanks to my father and mother. My father was a hedonist who felt his lifestyle was fine because he always took care of his financial obligations. My mother was mentally ill to the extent she would be hospitalized for months at a time. I naturally have characteristics from both of my parents, and so I am quite sure I am affected in ways I don't see.
Ha! My current SO....married for 45 years and widowed. Three adult children with kids, constantly checking on him.
Now, that is major baggage. A "10"....plus.
I was married to a liar for 15 years. That is "baggage". I pretty much consider everything someone says is suspect.
Sadly, I knew a beautiful woman, who got married at age 50, her kids were grown and gone. Then, her daughter had brain cancer. Of course, she could not work, came home, basically to die. The Step Father was enraged. His "plan" was a wife who could go golfing, travel, plan dinner parties. All crashed due to this kid moving home. He threw her out. With her dying daughter. I knew this woman personally, and it has completely made me view relationships differently.
So sad ...
I am completely of the opinion that life throws curveballs and you take them as they come.
Which makes all of the 'get the best you can get' motives here somewhat laughable to me.
I have seen people who have gotten those curveballs at age 50 and older, and it has made me this way. I hope others here get to see it too.
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