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Old 11-28-2012, 05:13 PM
 
Location: In the city
1,581 posts, read 3,838,612 times
Reputation: 2417

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I recently had a revelation.

I married a man because I felt a deep companionship with him and loved him. We had the same sense of humor, got along well, and generally were much alike. As we grew up over the 12 years of our relationship, I became more confident and outgoing, he became more passive aggressive and depressed. The relationship ended when we had a domestic violence incident. I am now in my 30s and going through a divorce.

Through a series of unrelated events (reunions, visits, etc.) I have spoken over a six month period to several of the men I dated in college, and one who I was engaged to. All are happy, functional and highly successful-- engineers, doctors, attorneys, architects. All are in long, stable relationships. All exhibit the same traits now that I thought spelled out a lifetime of incompatibility with me and caused me to end relationships when I was younger.

Today it just kind of hit me- (and this may be really cynical)--it really didn't matter who I ended up with, the result was the same. I married for love and companionship and it didn't work out. I could have married for success and stability, but I wouldn't have been any happier as the compatibility was not there. I may have been in a higher tax bracket, but I would have still felt unfulfilled.

Does anyone else feel this way? I am just kinda feel like there is no point to either path. Maybe I am just being a downer.
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Old 11-28-2012, 05:21 PM
 
Location: Sometimes Miami sometimes Australia
1,094 posts, read 2,684,105 times
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A bit of both is the best. Just make sure he loves you a tad more than you love him
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Old 11-28-2012, 05:26 PM
 
Location: where people are either too stupid to leave or too stuck to move
3,982 posts, read 6,664,605 times
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This is a hard one because you can never be sure that if you marry for love it WON'T last until it ends. But some say marry for love first and remarry for money
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Old 11-28-2012, 05:30 PM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,126 posts, read 10,070,663 times
Reputation: 11796
You did the right thing, in my opinion anyway. I think you should marry smart. Marry someone who you truly enjoy being around, someone who supports you and who you know has your back no matter what. I married for love, but I had some doubts to be honest. My ex changed in ways that I never could have imagined when we got married. It happens, so don't beat yourself up. There's no way you could have forseen how your ex would behave in the future. I wouldn't marry just for security. I think that's a huge mistake. Sadly there just aren't any gurantees in marriage. Marriages end for all kinds of reasons and you just never know what the future will bring.
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Old 11-28-2012, 05:31 PM
 
Location: Homeless
17,720 posts, read 13,422,914 times
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I think most marry for love in the start even more so if your young say in your 20's. As you get older you tend to marry for security or so I would guess. I've known people who married for money when they were young & wished they had married for love. I guess everyone is different I myself marry for love or I thought I did the last time. I will again too & hope that we meet in the middle some where & work on the security part together. It seems that married people tend to have more together then single people do some times.
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Old 11-28-2012, 05:50 PM
 
15,013 posts, read 21,563,026 times
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It does matter if you believe in love. Just because it didn't work out with your ex doesn't mean you won't fall in love again and it won't ever work out.
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Old 11-28-2012, 06:31 PM
 
2,949 posts, read 2,882,874 times
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Or maybe it is quite simply some's love compass is WAY off course...broke...smashed on the floor, doused in kerosene and set ablaze.


Marrying for love works IF, and this is a big IF, you don't marry an idiot.


Why some marry the people they do, I'll never know. Then a few years later they're bawling their eyes out about how they never had a suspicion or seen it coming. Um yeah, the only one that didn't see it coming was you and only you. Just because you love him doesn't make him a good person or a good husband. The two are very exclusive from each other.


"Did you hear Kathy and Dave are calling it splits?"


Really? You don't say I need to call the booky up. I think I was $50 in for less than 3 years.
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Old 11-28-2012, 08:39 PM
 
230 posts, read 314,330 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HansProof View Post
Just because you love him doesn't make him a good person or a good husband. The two are very exclusive from each other.
Yeah I agree with this. It takes more than your feelings for one another to make for a healthy relationship.

OP I wonder if it was as cut and dry as "he got depressed," etc. Can you honestly look back and say that he was a good mate for you? Responsible? Took care of his responsibilities, etc? I was never really convinced that someone could just go from being the ideal SO and then do a 180 down the road. But maybe this is in fact what you've experienced?
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Old 11-28-2012, 08:52 PM
 
Location: Viña del Mar, Chile
16,401 posts, read 30,813,805 times
Reputation: 16642
If I didn't marry someone for love I'd just cheat on her all the time.


Then again, I'm not an idiot and I can survive on my own. Someone who has to marry for security sucks at life and shouldn't be married in the first place.
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Old 11-28-2012, 09:24 PM
 
2,152 posts, read 3,383,462 times
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marrying for money and not for love seems like a very lonely life
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