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I know you love him but he must be one of your first ever relationships, right?
So you have nothing really to compare it to.
If you get married, you also marry his family. For better or for worse.
If you think it's bad now, wait until you have a kid or two and then try to protect them from the behaviour. You won't be able to.
Do Not Marry This Guy. He has made it quite clear that his family are part of the deal.
Unless you want them passing out on your sofa for the next 20 years and feeding beer to your babies, do not marry him.
By the way, your BF might be all young and hot now, but there is a couch potato just waiting underneath...and then you will give birth to some couch potatoes too.
He needs to stand up for you, not them, and if he isn't doing it now, he never will.
Do Not Marry This Guy. He has made it quite clear that his family are part of the deal.
He needs to stand up for you, not them, and if he isn't doing it now, he never will.
This. If he and you are not willing to move at least 300 miles from his parents you'll never be happily married.
If you and he can get a job in another state and make a new life away from the troubled parents, it might work. It will require him cutting them mainly out of his life except for short visits back home.
Here is another saying that helped me make better life choices when I had children. "What you accept, you teach"
Do you really want to teach your future children all the things you've described. Further, Your boyfriend is still on his dating "good" behavior with you...And, believe it or not, his parents probably are also. Can you imagine if they behave this way in front of you, what goes on behind closed doors.
Don't jeopardize your boundaries for anyone...especially someone that doesn't deserve you.
A wise poster on the previous page mentioned co-dependency here is just one website pertaining to that. Do some further research...If you identify w/ anything discussed regarding this issue..Get yourself into some counseling...Just for yourself. So that you can make some logical rational decisions. Mental Health America: Co-dependency
It seems your relationship may have simply run its course. If these things are really starting to resonate with you and grate on our nerves, it seems that it may just be time to let go as much as it will hurt.
If you were one of my daughters, I have 4 of them, I would tell you to dump this relationship ASAP. One of my daughters married a guy who had a very similar family. They have now moved all the way across the country in part just to get away from them. Evenmoving all that way does not solve a lot of problems that plague this couple. My son in law had zero example of a loving, caring, responsible and stable family structure and now that he is a father of two kids he still doesn't. He's a lousy father because he has never in his life had any kind of example that he could have learned from. Even though he makes very good money in his job he is totally financially irresponsible because that is all he ever experienced for the first 22 years of life. I really like the guy but many times I don't think my daughter is going to stick it out in the marriage. She is very miserable and depressed. I thinkshe believed that love would conquer all but us old farts with experience know that seldom happens.
Two of my girls all married guys from good stable and loving families. What a world of difference in their lives. Their children are so much better off it's not even measurable. They are happy, fullfilled and stable.
Personally, when I was looking for a wife I would not even consider a girl that did not come from a happy, respectful and well adjusted family. Another and equally important qualification was the she MUST love her parents.
You clearly love this guy a lot and want to give him every chance to work this out. So suggest pre marital counseling. You dont even have to say it is over this specifically. Tell him it's a good way to get things on the table before marriage, which it is. If he can't or won't go, go alone. But DO NOT MARRY HIM UNTIL YOU HAVE REACHED A RESOLUTION YOU BOTH CAN LIVE WITH. As much as you love him now and believe he loves you, remember love is fragile. You are talking about the kind of situation that erodes love over time. MARRIAGE IS HARD, even when people love each other and are on the same page. If you add underlying unresolved feelings of resentment and mistrust that are sure to arise - I mean how long can you feel ignored and like you come behind mom before it begins to take a bigger toll - it becomes damn near impossible to maintain the trust, respect, affection and communication you need to navigate life's ups and downs.
Consider working through this issue an opportunity to develop the problem solving skills you will need as spouses and parents. Do not blow us off. This will eat away at your love for each other if you don't fix it BEFORE there is a marriage and careers and mortgages and babies to contend with.
I am having trouble with my boyfriend's family. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now and we are very in love. We are both 21. I am in college and he is as well, though he is not sure of what he wants to do, I am very very ambitious and have my goals set out for me since I was a kid. The only real problem we have are these family issues.
We are each other's world. We are even seriously talking about marriage when we are done with college and move into a house. Because we are so serious and in love, it hurts to have these problems with his family and sometimes makes me think if I'm healthy for him. I really couldn't imagine my life without him, we're each other's rock.
I am a soft-spoken person, but warm and kind when people talk to me. When I go over to his house, (he still lives with his parents during college), his parents never say hi to me. I am always the one to say hi first and ask how things are going, and since I'm shy its hard to just go up and be all outspoken and hug and whatnot. I am very polite and sometimes even cook for them, since the parents never cook. They eat fast food or at restaurants every night. They usually are just watching t.v. and pay no mind to me. I'm not used to this as my mother always welcomes my boyfriend very warmly and asks him millions of questions about school and work! It makes him feel very welcomed, and I wish I could feel that with his parents.
I am not close to his family at all because of this. His family also has such different values. I grew up with a father who abused alcohol so much (every day) that he also abused me, my sisters, and my mom. You can guess that alcohol has really scarred me and I choose not to be around it because of those memories. When I see his family at gatherings a few times a year, all they do is drink until they are so drunk that they control what my boyfriend and I are doing that night and say they need us to be the DD for them without asking before hand. I never really see them normally, they are usually all just drunk at these family events. They also are heavy pot smokers and any time I see the mom, she is always high and the house smells of pot. I am definitely not a drinker/drug user and he does not do those things either, but gets mad at me for having those feelings about the drinking at his gatherings. Yes, I am aware that I should just suck it up and put my big girl panties on for those gatherings despite my past, but I think the problem is not just the traumatic memories with alcohol but the fact that I can never get to know them due to them always being drunk when I see them.
His mom doesn't care for me. She never asks me how school is going, never asks me questions whatsoever. When we do talk (which is rare), we talk about her or general things. Usually when I come over, she ignores me and talks to my boyfriend and doesnt look at me. it's also very hard to connect with her because she doesn't respect that I go to school. We are totally different people, she is a party girl and I am ambitious, nurturing and responsible. I also have a feeling that my boyfriend is a bit of a mommy's boy because he never thinks anything she does is rude. He has never stood up for us when they have ruined our plans and thinks the world of his mom even though she never cooks, cleans, and smokes pot all day, and constantly drinks. One time we got in a fight about this and he said, "I WILL choose my mother of you sometimes! Deal with it!".. Hearing that hurt my heart because he has led me to think I am the woman and love of his life. I put him above anything and will in marriage just as the bible says to (sorry to offend anyone, I am religious). I would do anything for him and constantly show my love and affection. It also hurts because when I bring up that she never talks to me, he turns the tables and says "Well you could go and talk to her too you know.." I am always the one to ask her questions first..and Am I supposed to knock on her door while shes in her room? Especially when we're not that acquainted yet?
I get so jealous that he chooses his mom over me that its to the point of tension when his family gets brought up in conversations. he said he has to hide things about his family because he thinks there will be tension. He is very close to them and does not care about the bad things they do. This may be the one thing that could bring us down and I dont want it to. Any suggestions for me? Do we need counseling? Thank you so much. I want to save this relationship, I dont believe in going separate ways if it can be fixed. I dont give up on people I love that easily..
Directed towards the OP…
I did not read other posts because I HAVE my own point of view on this..
I grew up in a very sound and healthy home with one exception that my mother made my sister and I aware of…which was that she felt my dad was an alcoholic…
We were made to wait eat dinner until dad got home this did not matter if it was at 6pm or 10 pm..but I Learned this was mom’s hang up.she could have fed us, she was merely using my sister and I as a lesson to my dad..
My dad drank at every event. Yet he drove home, why? Because my mother did not learn to drive until we were 14.
My parents never did drugs of any kind yet my mothers disability had and has her on many pain killers and yet this is ok?
So you take and you pick and choose. My sister and I NEVER drink at any events..period..We do not rely on anyone to get us or our kids home..
Your home is your home..
Your SO home? None of your business..if YOU are not relying on them? Why does it bother you that you or your SO are driving?
Okay, your family is very nice with him, asking questions, wanting to know more about him?
This does not mean that his family is cut from the same cloth…they are different, you cannot base the treatment of your husband based on the way his parents treat you…People are different ALWAYS..
You do not have to go out of your way, this is your decision..period..end of story..
It does not matter if they engage you in convo, this may not be their way.
This does mean that they are bad people it just means THAT HIS FAMILY IS DIFFERENT FROM YOURS..
He is a mama’s boy to you? Because he cannot see anything wrong with the way they treat or approach you?
This is the way he was raised..how could you expect him to think something is wrong if this all he knows?
I would suggest you really pull your big girl panties up high as a mug..
There is no handbook or law that states that all families are the same period!
EITHER you can deal with it or you cannot..
Unless they are abusing you? I suggest you suck it up and not worry about5 what does not CONCERN YOU…
1. not change people
2. include marrying your bf's family
3. involve being loyal to your in-laws and to their dysfunctions
4. include both sides of the family
5. welcomes the possibility of children and raising children within the family as a whole
Take a second to picture your future together with him and his family.
Imagine life getting tougher with bills, responsibilities, and at the same time personal rewards.
Which one outweighs the other more? I get this feeling your bf is starting to resent you, especially if he feels you don't like or respect his family as much as he does.
Marriage only gets worse with personal demands from not only your spouse but others involved.
How much self-sacrifice are you willing to dole out? If you can work on these issues, more power to you. Takes two, and he needs to meet you half way, vice versa.
Addiction/alcoholism is also frequently genetic. Your bf is still young and may start behaving this way when you are older, not to mention the baggage your potential children will be saddled with. The danger is compounded by your own genetics.
You are still very young. I'd like to tell you to move on.
At the very least, attend some Alanon meetings. They're good for helping you to see the pitfalls of addicted family dynamics and may give you tools to cope with your bf's family.
If you were one of my daughters, I have 4 of them, I would tell you to dump this relationship ASAP. One of my daughters married a guy who had a very similar family. They have now moved all the way across the country in part just to get away from them. Evenmoving all that way does not solve a lot of problems that plague this couple. My son in law had zero example of a loving, caring, responsible and stable family structure and now that he is a father of two kids he still doesn't. He's a lousy father because he has never in his life had any kind of example that he could have learned from. Even though he makes very good money in his job he is totally financially irresponsible because that is all he ever experienced for the first 22 years of life. I really like the guy but many times I don't think my daughter is going to stick it out in the marriage. She is very miserable and depressed. I thinkshe believed that love would conquer all but us old farts with experience know that seldom happens.
Two of my girls all married guys from good stable and loving families. What a world of difference in their lives. Their children are so much better off it's not even measurable. They are happy, fullfilled and stable.
Personally, when I was looking for a wife I would not even consider a girl that did not come from a happy, respectful and well adjusted family. Another and equally important qualification was the she MUST love her parents.
^^^^^^ This is truly excellent advice......
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