Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
i forgot to mention that he also wanted me quit my job and find another one that he felt was morally more execptable (i work at a casino) thus i would be making alot less ....
is that fair... which the above conditions?
Run. I mean, it would be one thing if you were spending your nights twirling down a pole at a strip club. But this guy sounds like a total control freak.
Run. I mean, it would be one thing if you were spending your nights twirling down a pole at a strip club. But this guy sounds like a total control freak.
Seconded.
This man is not marriage material.
You have all the red flags.
You have people here screaming at you that this is neither normal nor acceptable behavior.
You can be Queen Sheba of Denial or you can open your eyes and see what's right in front of you - a total loser.
I wouldn't jump to the "loser" or "control freak" place about this...but perhaps say instead, it sounds as though the two of you have areas of major concern when it comes to COMPATIBILITY.
If you have been happily and successfully working at a casino, and his morals preclude that entirely, then I'd say that you have little common ground where it comes to personal convictions. I would never consider marrying someone who finds my occupation immoral. He needs to find a lady whose belief systems more closely match his. Maybe he could meet her at church or something. The problem isn't just his need to control you, but see...if he thinks that you are doing something that goes against his moral beliefs, he will think less of you. He will think that you have no morals, unless he tells you how to behave. That is very disrespectful behavior and I think you're paving the way for trouble with a man who can't respect you, and views you as morally inferior to him.
I wouldn't jump to the "loser" or "control freak" place about this...but perhaps say instead, it sounds as though the two of you have areas of major concern when it comes to COMPATIBILITY.
He will think that you have no morals, unless he tells you how to behave. That is very disrespectful behavior and I think you're paving the way for trouble with a man who can't respect you, and views you as morally inferior to him.
How does that not translate to 'controlling'?
That is the very definition. You're not good unless you do it my way (or the way I tell you).
And he knew what she did before they hooked up and got serious. I think someone who expects you to change for them and uses degrading terms like 'morally inferior' is the very definition of a loser.
How does that not translate to 'controlling'?
That is the very definition. You're not good unless you do it my way (or the way I tell you).
And he knew what she did before they hooked up and got serious. I think someone who expects you to change for them and uses degrading terms like 'morally inferior' is the very definition of a loser.
Yeah it makes him a loser/control freak in this situation maybe, but I'm seeing the position of a female who obviously cares for him...I mean, she's considering MARRYING him...so immediately just saying, "He's a jerk, you should leave" is what she's going to hear from everyone, and it gets pretty trite and meaningless after a while.
It might be that he is not all bad, in fact he probably isn't, it's just I don't think they're a great match. He might find a woman who is from a different community of people, with a different mindset, who might agree that gambling and casinos are immoral, or who won't mind being treated in a domineering fashion. There are still traditional/conservative women in the world. You just don't typically pick them up in bars or online dating sites.
But I think that this relationship between the OP and this man, is not headed for a happy place, and there's more to it than his need to be in charge and definitely more to it than how they split the bills.
We used to split everything 50/50, but my fiancee is paying rent, groceries, and cable currently. In return I'm throwing every penny I can at my student loans. My goal before the wedding is to have my two smaller loans paid off which totals about $18k.
I do worry about combining assets once we're married though. I have very little in the bank and she has A LOT. So we wouldn't really be combining assets. More like she would be giving me access to her huge savings and getting nothing in return...
She makes slightly more than me but we both do just fine.
We used to split everything 50/50, but my fiancee is paying rent, groceries, and cable currently. In return I'm throwing every penny I can at my student loans. My goal before the wedding is to have my two smaller loans paid off which totals about $18k.
I do worry about combining assets once we're married though. I have very little in the bank and she has A LOT. So we wouldn't really be combining assets. More like she would be giving me access to her huge savings and getting nothing in return...
She makes slightly more than me but we both do just fine.
You know what? If you love each other, it really doesn't matter.
We used to split everything 50/50, but my fiancee is paying rent, groceries, and cable currently. In return I'm throwing every penny I can at my student loans. My goal before the wedding is to have my two smaller loans paid off which totals about $18k.
I do worry about combining assets once we're married though. I have very little in the bank and she has A LOT. So we wouldn't really be combining assets. More like she would be giving me access to her huge savings and getting nothing in return...
She makes slightly more than me but we both do just fine.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223
You know what? If you love each other, it really doesn't matter.
Yup! It might take a bit of getting used to - but eventually you'll understand that you are a family and you are building a life together. If the roles were reversed - would you have any qualms about sharing all you had with her? I used to call my husband every single time I wanted to buy something that wasn't food or a necessity. Eventually - he told me that I needed to stop doing that. He said, "You know how much money we have in our account. If we can afford it - buy it! If we can't - don't! It makes me feel good knowing that I can provide you with a new coat that you want - so please stop feeling guilty and please stop asking me every time you want to spend a dollar!"
That's the ticket. Picking a partner who is responsible and conservative about money management.
If you can trust them, you can let go of the whole issue.
Yup! It might take a bit of getting used to - but eventually you'll understand that you are a family and you are building a life together. If the roles were reversed - would you have any qualms about sharing all you had with her? I used to call my husband every single time I wanted to buy something that wasn't food or a necessity. Eventually - he told me that I needed to stop doing that. He said, "You know how much money we have in our account. If we can afford it - buy it! If we can't - don't! It makes me feel good knowing that I can provide you with a new coat that you want - so please stop feeling guilty and please stop asking me every time you want to spend a dollar!"
Nope. Not a bit.
The key is to be prudent with money. That means talking about money BEFORE you tie the knot.
We have a general rule that purchases more than a hundred dollars or so should be discussed. Seems to have worked out fine.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
