Should I divorce him or will counseling save us? (girlfriend, marriage, women)

[bikermom2]

Hello,
I desparately need advice from anyone who is willing to listen. I have been married for ten years and my husband and I have adopted five beautiful children. I feel that my husband is controlling and just an old fasioned ass hole. I don't think I am in love with him anymore because of our disagreements and things he has said to me when we are arguing. We mostly fight over money.
He controls the finances and wants to save money for our retirement. That is great but he gripes about everything I spend. I am very frugal and even dress the kids in mostly used clothing, like hand me downs and thrift store and buy markdowns if purchasing new ones. I don't feel appreciated at all. I pay the bills for him because he once said if I didn't do it what did he need me for. Because he hates for me to spend I lie about it and hide it when I do spend. He says I am a lier and can't be honest. He finally took himself off of my account and opened his own, which I cannot write checks on. So...I think he is controlling and don't feel like he trust my judgement in finances. I once got a credit card in his name and he has never forgiven me for that.
The other thing we fight over is I feel he is too strict and hard on the kids. I try to ask him not to be so hard and he thinks I am interfering and trying to tell him what to do. He doesn't hurt them, but he is very strict. The kids are angry and take it out on each other. They also act out away from home and have gotten in trouble at school.
Sometimes I want to plan my leave and take half the money and go. I did leave for a month back in the spring and he filed for divorce. I came back and took the kids out of school then he filed the next day and said I had to bring them back. Well, I knew better and had legal counseling. I agreed to meet him to talk and let him talk me into coming back. He didn't keep any of him promises, which was to seek marriage counseling, and go to church as a family, and spend more one on one time with the kids. and we still fight over the same things. He has a way of making me feel like its all my fault and I am the one who needs to change. I don't feel he loves me and gives me intimacy. I am not speaking about sex, the old fashioned touching and hugging a woman needs from her man. If I ask him for affection he says here, touch, and laughs at me. My self esteem is low and I hardly have any friends, only one girlfriend and then my two sisters. I dont work because I have RA and am on disability which allows me to be a stay at home mom. I am 56 and also have 4 grown children and 9 grandkids.
Anyway, I would love to have the perfect marriage for the kids and not subject them to a broken home. I think they would be happier not living under his oppressing rule. He says he is right and I am contradicting him if I try to talk to him about his disipline.
For instance now he is making the oldest two, ages 11 and 13, sleep in the bathroom on the tile floor for a week because they didn't keep their bedroom clean. He says they lost their room for a week. He believes this will make them appreciate their room and keep it clean. I feel it makes them very uncomfortable and not be able to rest good. He says they sleep on the floor in the room and on campiing trips and it doesn't hurt them. He also said he is tired of me fussing at them about cleaning their room so he is helping me by doing this. He says all I do is yell at them. Well, I am trying to control my yelling, because I probably do yell too much and they don't listen anyway, just tune me out.
Anyway that is an example of what I am upset over. I am probably being too protective as a mom.
Can anyone give me some feed back and advice?


Uncertain and unhappy!

[Magnolia Bloom]

I'm pretty sure that making the kids sleep on the bathroom floor would be considered child abuse. That needs to stop tonight. If he disagrees, then call the non-emergency number for the police and ask them to come over and discuss it. If it isn't abuse, he will have nothing to worry about.

Both of you should go to counseling ASAP. No matter what the two of you ultimately do, you both need to work on healthy ways to communicate and resolve conflict. Once you two get it right, the kids will fall in line. Right now they are only patterning themselves after their parents.

[millie61]

He sounds like he needs help - making kids sleep on the bathroom floor that is abuse.

[ayannaaaliyah]

the bathroom thing is disturbing How about punishment (i.e. no tv; no extra-curricular activities)?

In terms of your relationship and him being controlling - I take it that you're a stay-at-home Mom? Why don't you try to go out and find a job, even if it's part time so that you can have your own money?

I definitely think that counseling is in order for the ENTIRE family, not just you and your husband.

Best of luck 2 you

[nl2134]

You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

What he's putting you through (along with your children) just seems horrible. I wouldn't even consider counseling, but hey, that's just me, and what do I know anyways?

[Arcticthaw]

From what you have said about him filing for Divorce and such, I suggest you do some preemtive planning. Before you act on anything else, find out where the money is. If he has a seperate account you need to know how much is in there without his knowledge. Sounds like he is in a position you leave you without any funds if he walks. Where is this retirement $. There is an old saying in the bar and construction businesses. He who counts first wins!

Possesion is 9/10ths the law.

[thelostsouls]

This guy sounds like a real *******. He's cheap, so he won't want to pay for counseling... but you two definately need some therapy, and it seems like he needs alot of 1v1 therapy.

[LexusNexus]

I think you have suffered long enough. Amazing how many good women have to endure such suffering by putting up with these types of caveman idiots. The lunatic is making the kids sleep on the floor in the bathroom and deserves to be locked up. He is obviously very sick, probably a closet unabomber. Run, don't walk away from this guy. Think about your parents. Did they raise their daughter to be mistreated like this by some guy? Absolutely not. Think about your kids. What do you think they think about you for tolerating this crap and allowing that man to mistreat them in the manner that your described? What do you think they feel about themselves because their mother continues to allow this mistreatment to continue? They don't feel good about themselves, what they are made of, or their parents. They don't respect their dad because he's abnormal. They don't respect you because you don't take a stand and appear weak. This doesn't make them feel strong and normal. You must be brave. After all, your kids didn't ask to be here.

You are going to need outside help. The first thing you need to do is alert the State that you are suffering the effects of emotional (perhaps physical?) abuse. Go to a marriage counselor just for yourself. Your goal is to document the pattern of abuse and to alert them to any physical abuse. They will know what to ask. Of course, your ultimate goal is to get a divorce. But you want to get on record that the guy is abnormal and has been mistreating the kids. Document everything, including where all the money is. Keep a record of his behavior. See this counselor immediately and once the behavior is documented, plan to file a divorce. Don't take any more crap from this guy and don't look to him for anything. This shouldn't take more than a month.

Plan for a better life without him. You will feel better and so will your kids.

[Pikantari]

Hi bikermom2.

Our situations match almost perfectly. My husband and I have been together since High school, 16 years, and our anniversary was on July 16. On July 20/21 he and his mother had the police come and get me, and take me to a mental facility, trying to say I was harmful to myself and all others around me.

I was found to be sane, and just fine...I could not believe they did this to me. All because I wanted to take my kids to my sisters house. They are 11 and 13, I live in Virginia, she in Maryland. He is very controlling, all powerful. He has been emotional, verbally, and mentally abusive to us the whole time we have been together.

The problem, biker, is that I didn't know it. It was normal for me, because I knew nothing else. I also have RA, but i work, I also have FM, Epilepsy and Migraines. All are treated. One day I got a tap on the shoulder, from the Lord, I am so sure.

Look at your life, Robyn, and I did. I saw everything. It was in bright lights. I started walking, and losing weight, feeling better. Everything became clear.

My rings came off after he did what he did, and I left on Sept 1, with the kids. Oh, so many mind games inbetween. Yep, marriage counseling. I went once.

I already knew, at this time, that there was no going back, he could not change, he thinks I hate him, I do not, I hate what he did to us, what he continues to do, it has tapered down, but still, it is not gone. He has finally taken his ring off, yesterday.

Biker, I have 2 huge threads on this board. I have made many friends, with much advise, and people with similar situations as yours.

Putting your kids to bed on the bathroom floor...no. That is wrong. Would he sleep there? I dont think so. You do what you need to do, what you feel is right, what you feel you can do, or wait til you can do what you need to do...get your strength.

If you cant do anything else right now, get the strength to stand up to his control.

Where is the love?

This is a very long thread, but it chronicles me, going through what you are going through, and getting the strength, living it, learning. I walk, therefore I am. Without the Lord I am nothing, with Him, I am everything....

A new day has dawned. I am free!

This is my second thread, I am starting over. There are bumps in the road, twists and turns. I am still posting. Still, I am getting stronger. I am not the person who started the first post.

That first post is forever long. my every thought, my every ...everything is in there. To get out my feelings somewhere, it was therapy. I was told, maybe I shouldn't do it. I still did it, and it went on, I just tried to not put certain things in. It is long, but take a peek, in spare time. I am thinking it may be helpful to you, we sound so alike.

I am 33, I could not live the rest of my life under his wrath, I could not do it, and finally, I made the decision. Sometimes fear got to me, it was through his power and control that fear was allowed in, but I overcame it.

I send my best of luck to you biker. dm me, email me, whatever...I will answer you.

[pirate girl]

Definitely read the threads from Robyn. She is an inspiration to battered women and families (and that is what you are).

I recommend contacting the authorities about the abuse (making the kids sleep on the floor) so that you are not considered responsible if someone else calls.