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Old 12-09-2012, 02:42 AM
 
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
10,931 posts, read 11,691,276 times
Reputation: 13170

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Pay attention to her. Be present in her life. Treat her as an equal. That's three.
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Old 12-09-2012, 02:49 AM
 
Location: New Zealand and Australia
7,454 posts, read 13,404,501 times
Reputation: 7783
oral
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Old 12-09-2012, 09:14 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
2,072 posts, read 1,753,102 times
Reputation: 437
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
Dude, as Chadd points out - there's not really mention of your kids even though you talk about how crazy about your wife you are. Most people talk about how they want to do what's best for their children when they mention the possibility of divorce. How involved have you been with them? My father was my world, and he worked crazy hours - but he still devoted a huge amount of time to me. You say you've been disabled for a while but that you weren't helping out with the kids. That's a huge red flag. Your wife has no doubt made your kids the center of her world, and to see you not doing that has probably made her question your priorities. If this guy from high school is demonstrating an interest in the children and their welfare, she may very well see herself as finding them a better father. A lot of guys don't want to raise someone else's kids, but I've dated quite a few men who have thrown themselves into replacing absentee fathers with gusto.

Give your wife a spa day, but demonstrate a connection to your children by giving them gifts reflective of their interests that will also encourage their growth. For example, my cousin's twin boys have very different interests - one is very much into educational stuff and sports, while the other likes art and building projects. I buy gifts that they can share, but the box always includes a selection of books aimed at the first boy and a kit or set of art supplies aimed at the second boy.

And stick with getting the bipolar under control. A good gift isn't going to save your marriage. Consistently demonstrating that you are working on what's wrong is the only way to "fix" things.
I love my kids to death. They are spoiled. Every time we go to the store each one gets a new toy not I something expensive but its a toy none the less. I have been disabled to where I couldn't work but I was able to play with my kids and take care of them I just was never the one to change the diapers and make the bottles etc. I took them to school,sports etc she hasn't seen this guy she is just talking to him online and has been for a month or 2 at least...I knew she was talking to him but there wasn't a lot I could do about it. It seemed like things were OK when I took her up there but as soon as I got back its like I was gone and it was easier for her to just say what she wanted without me being there. That's one reason I am going back a month earlier than I had planned I figure the longer we are apart the less of a chance I have at trying to save this marriage. I think she is afraid that when I am there her feelings will come back for me I don't know. She has heard it all before that I would change etc but I have never gotten help with the bipolar never even acknowledged that I had bipolar until now. Just gotta hope for the best.
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Old 12-09-2012, 09:20 AM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,711 posts, read 11,713,374 times
Reputation: 7604
The gift of divorce.
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Old 12-09-2012, 09:26 AM
 
1,304 posts, read 2,570,314 times
Reputation: 1839
Leave her. She cheats on you and breaks your marriage vows and you want to reward that behavior. She wants to leave because she wants to feel guilt free when going to that guy. I guarantee if that doesn't work out, she will look to you as the backup option.
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Old 12-09-2012, 09:40 AM
 
5,390 posts, read 9,658,949 times
Reputation: 9988
Now is ur time to show ur wife that u care. Get her a gift that shows u put a lot of thought into it. Whats her favorite stuff?? Does she like collecting knick-knacks? Is there a particular hobby that u could help contribute to? Does she paint? Draw? Write? Garden? Cook? Play a sport? I dunno. Giver her something that shows u listen.....u care and u want this to work. Also, maybe a hand-written letter to stick inside a card expressing how u want the relationship to work
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Old 12-10-2012, 04:33 PM
 
569 posts, read 669,788 times
Reputation: 673
Quote:
Originally Posted by RebelYell14 View Post
What kind of gift should I give my wife? We are on the outs right now things have been pretty bad for a while and she is talking divorce possibly if something doesn't change,she is in a different state right now and I will be moving up there first of the year and want to show her I want a new start...she lives some jewelry but she doesn't wear it much...not sure what to get her. I am going to stop and get her favorite kind of flowers but what else?
How about a romantic night at a really nice hotel and her favorite dinner? A spa day? I like something thoughtful rather than a trinket (although those are nice also). Would it be too intrusive to ask what she wants to change? That might help with some good suggestions.
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Old 12-10-2012, 04:38 PM
 
569 posts, read 669,788 times
Reputation: 673
Quote:
Originally Posted by RebelYell14 View Post
We both have done things wrong to each other. I don't want a present from her. I love her to death. Been together almost 8 years I have been a lousy husband I know that. I am trying to show her that I still care and want to be with her. I never get her flowers so I am gonna do that...maybe that's enough?
It is important that you tell her this often! Relationships can be challenging and real honesty is what is important. Spouses need to know they are loved, appreciated, and important.
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Old 12-10-2012, 04:42 PM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
29,696 posts, read 34,240,753 times
Reputation: 76906
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gidgetsmidget View Post
It is important that you tell her this often! Relationships can be challenging and real honesty is what is important. Spouses need to know they are loved, appreciated, and important.
More important than telling her that he loves her and that he knows he messed up is to show her that if she would come back he wouldn't be lousy anymore. Anyone can say he's sorry, he needs to not fall back into the old patterns that frustrated her and drove her away.

Last edited by fleetiebelle; 12-10-2012 at 04:52 PM..
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Old 12-10-2012, 04:44 PM
 
569 posts, read 669,788 times
Reputation: 673
Quote:
Originally Posted by RebelYell14 View Post
On my part being lazy,expecting everything to be handed to me hand and foot,not helping with kids,just being an overall crappy husband on her part talking to another guy she knew from high school and now she claims she has feelings for him. Of course it took us being apart for me to find out how bad our relationship is and how close to divorce we are. I tell her every day we talk that I love her and want no one else etc she won't say it back she says she needs time to think...when I return to her we will have been apart for a month.
I would suspect she doesn't have real feelings for him. It isn't uncommon for people to *think* someone from the past is the one for them when they are having problems with their current spouse. They are an ex for a reason.

I have a good friend who is hopeless with relationships. She always goes back to her hs boyfriend but it is more about her needing to be wanted and the excitement of someone new plus she can safely go back to him without fear of rejection. Someone whose laundry she hasn't had to deal with, day to day problems she hasn't had to cope with, etc.
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