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Old 12-10-2012, 11:45 AM
 
Location: Minneapolis (St. Louis Park)
5,991 posts, read 7,914,878 times
Reputation: 4208

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Sorry this is long....I can't cut much more out than I have!

There is a girl (woman) at work whom I've always been naturally attracted to: she's cute, has long brown hair, seems real friendly, etc., but since I am married and I had not at all been in that "searching zone" it never really phazed me or went above and beyond simple curiosity. She is married too, however, and has 2 children (one of which is an infant). The problem is I am finding myself starting to "crush" on this girl and clearly that could be a problem if not handled in just the right way!

Back story:
I myself am married for almost 5 years now and have one child (3 yrs old). I love my wife very much but our relationship has been rocky for the past 2-3 years due to an incident that occurred that I don't think she's gotten over (nor will ever get over). It's a VERY long story but the short version is this: I had chronic pain and became addicted to painkiller medications, thereby becoming a full-blown addict and consequently went into recovery and have been managing that for the past 2+ years (have been 100% clean and sober during that time, and still am). I realize addiction can tear families apart but I never stopped loving my wife, yet I don't feel that she loves me anymore (or at least, not nearly as much as she used to). I've expressed this to her many times but the response I get is essentially: "I'm sorry you feel that way, but what do you want me to do about it?", to which I'm thinking "love me like you used to!". In the past year especially, we have had fights where divorce was threatened or I would threaten to leave but we'd always make it up, just to go through it all again. The last time we fought like this I was FINISHED with everything, and was ready to come to grips with the fact that I would leave the family and leave my then 2 year old daughter behind and only see her on weekends at best (or worse if I moved out of state). Then my wife drops this bomb on me: she's pregnant!!! Literally the day after this monster fight.....the day I was going to console to her that I had wanted to leave!

To cut to the chase, it was after this day that I began seeing other women as attractive and interesting again, probably because I did not feel an obligation to my wife as much as I had in the past (and still very much in shock about baby news!). So this office girl pops immediately into the picture and I can't help but develop a small crush on her. We seemingly have a TON in common (incl. I get the sense that she is not happily married either, but I would never disrupt a happy marriage). I get the sense from her that she may like me.....She always laughs out loud when I crack wise or joke, even if nobody else makes a peep. She's not shy or quiet to others but around me she seems much more demure (or shy). And we seem to have a ton in common and agree with eachother on almost everything (contrary to my wife, who couldn't be more of an opposite to me). All I want to do is get to know her more and see what her story is because I can't help myself......I want to find the love of my life -- my soul mate -- and don't want to miss that opportunity in case she were it! I asked her if she would like to discuss her job and how it ties to a project we are working on together (apparently this is a very tell-tale sign of flirting, I was just not thinking of it like that when I had asked) and she says "yes!" (with exclaimation). I ask if she wants to do this during work hours, in the morning over coffee or over lunch and she suggests lunch. I ask her if she wants to do something fairly informal like a sandwich or soup or something with a menu/waiter, and she goes for the latter. We've had to cancel this meeting once already and I took that as "let's slow down" or "back off", only to have her suggest we do this again later in the month (again, with enthusiasm laced throughout the message). I also found another opportunity to have an excuse to be with her: our Holiday Party at work is hosting free bowling (among other things) and I invited her on our team. Well....I invited her and 2 others, and said we needed one more player and she responded immediately and wanted to be on the team (with only myself and 3 other people she likely barely knows -- all women in their 60's).

So I'm not sure what to take from all of this. It's been a SOLID 8+ years since I've been in the courting phase of dating and I am a completely different person now than I was then. Also, and most importantly, I vowed not to so much as TOUCH another woman as long as I was married, and I take that extremely seriously (for her but also for myself, my integrity)! Furthermore, I would expect she (office girl) would feel the same about herself and her marriage. I honestly don't even know where to begin with any of this. Part of me wants to pursue this further and see what develops, slowly. Part of me wants to tell her I like her and just get on with it (or not). Part of me thinks that the outcome of this scenario could only be bad or dramatic: "bad" in that she's not interested and nothing happens, and I lose a bit of dignity; or, "dramatic" in that if we fell in love with eachother that would mean TWO divorces, moving away from my child(ren), leaving my wife on her own (she relies on me for lots of healthcare and financial support), etc. PLUS, I may be acting overdramatically and could easily just wait things out longer and hope for the best with our marriage (again, I've been unhappy with this marriage since I started getting sober 2.5 years ago, and she's likely been unhappy since before that when I was an active addict).

I just wanted to put this out there and see what, if anything, people thought about this situation. Whether you have advice on what to do, insight as to whether I am reading the office girl right or wrong, personal experience, etc. it'd be helpful for me to hear it all (as long as it's constructive).

Thanks!
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:49 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,011 posts, read 37,656,456 times
Reputation: 73592
Quote:
Originally Posted by Min-Chi-Cbus View Post
that could be a problem if not handled in just the right way!

Your solution depends on your definition of "the right way."

Do you want suggestions on how to continue to flirt with a married mother of a small child?

Do you want advice on how to do your job without being distracted by a co-worker?

Regardless of who is married in this scenario, as a recovering addict, you need to be VERY CAREFUL here. This relationship shows the same signs as a drug addiction. You get a "high" from your interactions with this girl, and by setting up clandestine lunches and putting her on your bowling team you are taking the same kind of steps to continue to get that high AT ANY COST.

If you have a Narcotics Anonymous sponsor or any type of counselor to talk to, share this with them, and I'm sure they will tell you the same thing. At this point, this relationship is serving JUST LIKE A DRUG to mask the problems in your personal life.

Like rehab, you need to quit ... NOW. Walk away and clean up your home life.
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:55 AM
 
Location: Minneapolis (St. Louis Park)
5,991 posts, read 7,914,878 times
Reputation: 4208
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
Your solution depends on your definition of "the right way."

Do you want suggestions on how to continue to flirt with a married mother of a small child?

Do you want advice on how to do your job without being distracted by a co-worker?

Regardless of who is married in this scenario, as a recovering addict, you need to be VERY CAREFUL here. This relationship shows the same signs as a drug addiction. You get a "high" from your interactions with this girl, and by setting up clandestine lunches as putting her on your bowling team you are taking the same kind of steps to continue to get that high AT ANY COST.

If you have a Narcotics Anonymous sponsor or any type of counselor to talk to, share this with them, and I'm sure they will tell you the same thing. At this point, this relationship is serving JUST LIKE A DRUG to mask the problems in your personal life.

Like rehab, you need to quit ... NOW. Walk away and clean up your home life.
I've been sober for over 2 years though. I know you are not supposed to mess around in relationships during early recovery, but I am in "maintenance" recovery at this point (which is what people do for the rest of their lives).....am I not supposed to have relationships ever again, in fear I would get "high" from them?
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:14 PM
 
1,133 posts, read 1,834,787 times
Reputation: 1237
Pretty dense original post!

This office girl is probably not interested in you. She hasn't given you any indication she is. The things you noted (laughing at your jokes, having things in common, joining bowling team, etc.) are frankly not signals of anything. Honestly, from what you're written, there is no way she would consider leaving her family/husband for you, or the thought of being with you. It's just not enough for her, no offense. When a woman is at that point where she would consider doing that, YOU WILL KNOW, SHE WILL MAKE IT OBVIOUS, because she wouldn't want to cross that line without knowing 110% that you were on board with it.

So it's perfectly fine if you flirt with her and create a platonic/work relationship with her, it's healthy to do so. Just make sure you don't cross the line and try to create something that's not there.

Last edited by BKSnook; 12-10-2012 at 12:16 PM.. Reason: add more
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:25 PM
 
Location: Minneapolis (St. Louis Park)
5,991 posts, read 7,914,878 times
Reputation: 4208
^Thanks!

That's a good point -- it's a huge risk and it'd have to be obvious and probably mutual. Neither her or myself are willing to put anything out there on just a whim when there is this much at stake (partly why I'm posting this story in the 1st place). We're in the same boat in that regard, so it's extremely easy to understand that point of view.
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:37 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
1,512 posts, read 2,544,726 times
Reputation: 2218
OP,

Don't be a dirtbag. Leave it alone, focus on your homelife, and find happiness with that. You've been married 5 years (roughly). Half or more of your marriage has been spent either breaking your wife's trust or trying to repair it. From what I can infer from your post, she may require the rest of your marriage to regain that trust in you.

And yes, your behavior is indicative of an addictive personality. A budding workplace romance (perceived or real) can give you the same rush as drugs. You'll feel good at first, but then you'll feel bad once the reality of your actions sink in. You'll try to stop, but you'll crave the attention and will likely continue to pursue the relationship. In the end, you'll end up much like a drug addict or alcoholic--you'll lose it all.

You managed to escape total loss last time. DO NOT RISK IT AGAIN!

--Dim
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:40 PM
 
245 posts, read 322,926 times
Reputation: 234
People get crushes and there will always be someone else out there that you could have a potential relationship with. This applies to everyone. But if you are married, you are no longer available to pursue other people. End of story.
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:49 PM
 
13,721 posts, read 16,258,315 times
Reputation: 10468
I didn't read the whole OP, but knowing that you both are married, there is likely nothing that will permanently come out of this. At most, you'll have an affair together but it's unlikely that neither of you (especially her with 2 kids) will leave your spouse, and, more importantly, if one or both of you gets caught cheating by your spouse, you spouse may leave you for cheating. It is a risk. Usually married people enjoy having affairs with other married people because even though they want to play around with someone else, neither has a desire to leave their marriage. It's a have your cake and eat it too situation.
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:00 PM
 
927 posts, read 2,096,333 times
Reputation: 476
Take a cold shower and distance yourself, unless you want to cheat. Even though it sounds like you're into her more than she's into you at this point, it might get to the point of no return.

Think of your family and repairing your marriage. Office girls come and go all the time.
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:05 PM
 
Location: Tha 6th Bourough
3,634 posts, read 4,854,042 times
Reputation: 1750
Quote:
Originally Posted by Min-Chi-Cbus View Post
Sorry this is long....I can't cut much more out than I have!

There is a girl (woman) at work whom I've always been naturally attracted to: she's cute, has long brown hair, seems real friendly, etc., but since I am married and I had not at all been in that "searching zone" it never really phazed me or went above and beyond simple curiosity. She is married too, however, and has 2 children (one of which is an infant). The problem is I am finding myself starting to "crush" on this girl and clearly that could be a problem if not handled in just the right way!

Back story:
I myself am married for almost 5 years now and have one child (3 yrs old). I love my wife very much but our relationship has been rocky for the past 2-3 years due to an incident that occurred that I don't think she's gotten over (nor will ever get over). It's a VERY long story but the short version is this: I had chronic pain and became addicted to painkiller medications, thereby becoming a full-blown addict and consequently went into recovery and have been managing that for the past 2+ years (have been 100% clean and sober during that time, and still am). I realize addiction can tear families apart but I never stopped loving my wife, yet I don't feel that she loves me anymore (or at least, not nearly as much as she used to). I've expressed this to her many times but the response I get is essentially: "I'm sorry you feel that way, but what do you want me to do about it?", to which I'm thinking "love me like you used to!". In the past year especially, we have had fights where divorce was threatened or I would threaten to leave but we'd always make it up, just to go through it all again. The last time we fought like this I was FINISHED with everything, and was ready to come to grips with the fact that I would leave the family and leave my then 2 year old daughter behind and only see her on weekends at best (or worse if I moved out of state). Then my wife drops this bomb on me: she's pregnant!!! Literally the day after this monster fight.....the day I was going to console to her that I had wanted to leave!

To cut to the chase, it was after this day that I began seeing other women as attractive and interesting again, probably because I did not feel an obligation to my wife as much as I had in the past (and still very much in shock about baby news!). So this office girl pops immediately into the picture and I can't help but develop a small crush on her. We seemingly have a TON in common (incl. I get the sense that she is not happily married either, but I would never disrupt a happy marriage). I get the sense from her that she may like me.....She always laughs out loud when I crack wise or joke, even if nobody else makes a peep. She's not shy or quiet to others but around me she seems much more demure (or shy). And we seem to have a ton in common and agree with eachother on almost everything (contrary to my wife, who couldn't be more of an opposite to me). All I want to do is get to know her more and see what her story is because I can't help myself......I want to find the love of my life -- my soul mate -- and don't want to miss that opportunity in case she were it! I asked her if she would like to discuss her job and how it ties to a project we are working on together (apparently this is a very tell-tale sign of flirting, I was just not thinking of it like that when I had asked) and she says "yes!" (with exclaimation). I ask if she wants to do this during work hours, in the morning over coffee or over lunch and she suggests lunch. I ask her if she wants to do something fairly informal like a sandwich or soup or something with a menu/waiter, and she goes for the latter. We've had to cancel this meeting once already and I took that as "let's slow down" or "back off", only to have her suggest we do this again later in the month (again, with enthusiasm laced throughout the message). I also found another opportunity to have an excuse to be with her: our Holiday Party at work is hosting free bowling (among other things) and I invited her on our team. Well....I invited her and 2 others, and said we needed one more player and she responded immediately and wanted to be on the team (with only myself and 3 other people she likely barely knows -- all women in their 60's).

So I'm not sure what to take from all of this. It's been a SOLID 8+ years since I've been in the courting phase of dating and I am a completely different person now than I was then. Also, and most importantly, I vowed not to so much as TOUCH another woman as long as I was married, and I take that extremely seriously (for her but also for myself, my integrity)! Furthermore, I would expect she (office girl) would feel the same about herself and her marriage. I honestly don't even know where to begin with any of this. Part of me wants to pursue this further and see what develops, slowly. Part of me wants to tell her I like her and just get on with it (or not). Part of me thinks that the outcome of this scenario could only be bad or dramatic: "bad" in that she's not interested and nothing happens, and I lose a bit of dignity; or, "dramatic" in that if we fell in love with eachother that would mean TWO divorces, moving away from my child(ren), leaving my wife on her own (she relies on me for lots of healthcare and financial support), etc. PLUS, I may be acting overdramatically and could easily just wait things out longer and hope for the best with our marriage (again, I've been unhappy with this marriage since I started getting sober 2.5 years ago, and she's likely been unhappy since before that when I was an active addict).

I just wanted to put this out there and see what, if anything, people thought about this situation. Whether you have advice on what to do, insight as to whether I am reading the office girl right or wrong, personal experience, etc. it'd be helpful for me to hear it all (as long as it's constructive).

Thanks!
I have the perfect way to end this for you.....Just let your wife read this post!
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