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Sounds like since you're already in grad school that you'll be the breadwinner of this family anyways. If you love him enough, I'm sure you could find a way for him to move in with you for the time being until your schooling is finished. Only difference is this would not be the traditional relationship in the sense that you the woman would be the soul source of the greater income, which is great, more and more households are going that way.
If he's 30 and still living at home and is working as a bartender, it sounds to me like he is not overly motivated, what has he done for the past 12 years of his life if he has no savings and no education?
I don't see any harm in exploring other options. I didn't realize he's 30 and still living with mom. Not a good sign. Take a break and let him get his act together (if he does). Honest and sweet are great, but he's not the only man on Earth with those qualities. There are lots of honest and sweet guys out there who have steady jobs they like. The other thing to consider: how much do you have in common? You're getting an advanced degree? How intellectually curious and well-informed about things is he? If you're an achiever, and he isn't, that may not make for a good LTR.
I agree, him being 30 and still living at home concerns me. It would be easier to swallow if he had plans of moving out but he said there is no need to. I hope that when he lands an IT job this changes.
We do have a lot in common as far as hobbies. We like traveling, dining, sports...not very many intellectual conversations, which concerns me, but we do get along pretty well.
I agree, him being 30 and still living at home concerns me. It would be easier to swallow if he had plans of moving out but he said there is no need to. I hope that when he lands an IT job this changes.
We do have a lot in common as far as hobbies. We like traveling, dining, sports...not very many intellectual conversations, which concerns me, but we do get along pretty well.
Girlfriend, he isn't gonna do that. YOU want him to do that. HE wants to hang at the bar and live with mom.
He isn't gonna change, no matter how hard you wish. Time to cut bait.
I agree, him being 30 and still living at home concerns me. It would be easier to swallow if he had plans of moving out but he said there is no need to. I hope that when he lands an IT job this changes.
We do have a lot in common as far as hobbies. We like traveling, dining, sports...not very many intellectual conversations, which concerns me, but we do get along pretty well.
OP, you have some valid and important concerns. You seem to be glossing over them a little, as if you're not sure how serious they are, you don't know how to put the big picture into perspective. Irresponsibility with money, mismatch re: intellectuality, his seeing no need to move out on his own, these are core issues. Trust your gut. Learn to listen to the little voice in your mind that keeps nudging you, saying "something is wrong with this picture".
Sounds like since you're already in grad school that you'll be the breadwinner of this family anyways. If you love him enough, I'm sure you could find a way for him to move in with you for the time being until your schooling is finished. Only difference is this would not be the traditional relationship in the sense that you the woman would be the soul source of the greater income, which is great, more and more households are going that way.
What? Why should the onus be on the OP to take care of a grown man who should be well enough able to take care of himself?
Sometimes "the love of a good woman" isn't enough to fix a relationship. No - a LOT of times, it's not enough. Both parties need to put some effort in if things are going to work out long-term.
I was thinking about this when I was driving home from work for some reason: There are some guys I know who talk about how their lives were a mess and that the woman they were with basically fixed them up, cleaned up their credit, etc. etc. I'm glad it seems to have worked for them, but is it really the woman's responsibility to do this? Never in my 38 years have I ever heard of some guy taking some hot mess of a girl and cleaning up her act for her. Guys can't complain that a woman is trying to change them and at the same time put the responsibility for their future squarely in their hands. You can't have it both ways.
To the OP: If I understand you correctly, you're with this guy because he is sweet and honest, because you share some interests,and because you are afraid that you will regret it if you sever ties with this man.
First off, being sweet and honest isn't a selling point, it is an expectation. Don't give someone bonus point because they do something that any decent human being SHOULD do.
Second, it's great if you can share hobbies with your partner, but it is even more important that your values mesh. It is a lot easier to introduce a responsible guy to a new cuisine than it is to get an irresponsible one to get it together financially.
Third, yes, the devil you know...Look at it this way: you could just as easily grow to regret not meeting someone who has the same level of ambition. You already said that you feel like you are settling, that you don't want the guy to meet your parents because you don't think that they would approve. I think deep down in your heart, you know that you're the one that doesn't approve. And that's OK.
I think you have answered your own question about 90% by yourself and the other 10% is about giving yourself permission to do what you want to do about this situation.
Girlfriend, he isn't gonna do that. YOU want him to do that. HE wants to hang at the bar and live with mom.
He isn't gonna change, no matter how hard you wish. Time to cut bait.
Right. My "concern" would be over why OP is dealing with guys still living at home. Just my hunch. Seems like she wants a rehab project. I'd take up a different hobby, to be honest, if I was in that spot.
No bonus points for being a law-abiding citizen. That's a given..or should be.
OP, you have some valid and important concerns. You seem to be glossing over them a little, as if you're not sure how serious they are, you don't know how to put the big picture into perspective. Irresponsibility with money, mismatch re: intellectuality, his seeing no need to move out on his own, these are core issues. Trust your gut. Learn to listen to the little voice in your mind that keeps nudging you, saying "something is wrong with this picture".
Agreed. The mismatch would only become more pronounced as the OP moves on with her education, career, and life while he stagnates.
I met a really nice guy. I don't think I have ever met a guy this honest and sweet.
The problem is he is not very ambitious. He does not have a college degree
However, he is 30 and he is a bartender, which is perfectly fine!
So I broke up with him in August due to, "being in different places in life."
I don't really know how much one can make in IT without a bachelors or associates, so I am willing to wait to see if he does indeed move out and find a stable job.
We ended up in a big arguement. I asked him, why not take the job just to save up some money so you can move out?
He then tells me he is content living with his mother and will move when he is ready, right now he is not in a rush and doesn't mind living there.
My questions for you all are:
2. Do you think he can do ok with a certificate in IT?
I don't know if I am wasting my time.
So basically you want to know if he his going to make enough money for your liking or is he wasting your time?
Sounds like he is not your match.
P.S, People have different reasons for living other than earning degrees and making money. There are lots of cultures where families live together. Please refrain from being closed minded and judging people for their living situations because they differ from yours. Especially all the intellectual college grads
So basically you want to know if he his going to make enough money for your liking or is he wasting your time?
Sounds like he is not your match.
P.S, People have different reasons for living other than earning degrees and making money. There are lots of cultures where families live together. Please refrain from being closed minded and judging people for their living situations because they differ from yours. Especially all the intellectual college grads
No, my concern is he will forever be living in his mothers house because he "can't pay rent" on his own. in my post I said I do not mind him not having a degree as long as he can support himself....right now and for the last few years he has lived at home with his mom with no savings yet working the same job...part time. I am not judging him for staying home, I am asking if given his situation should I continue to wait for him to find his way, become independent, and mature, or look for someone else.
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