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If she's pursuing a PhD, well, one of my big weight gains occurred while I was working on my undergrad thesis. I dropped the weight shortly after that. Stress makes me fat.
This could be it.
She said she has a gym membership, and was doing well until about a year ago (when she began her PhD).
Ideally I would join with her, but she's about 40 minutes away, plus our schedules are a bit off at the moment.
You shouldn't enter into a relationship with the thought in mind that you're going to change someone, particuarly when it comes to their body shape. You should probably leave this one alone.
This ^^^ It is dishonest to feel this way about her, and imo shallow. If these are your true feelings, respect her enough to move on, so she can find the "one" that will adore her no matter what.
If she has mentioned that she wants to lose weight and/or get in shape then elnina's suggestion was spot on.
IF, however, she has not made any mention of her weight then she probably likes herself the way she is, and if you can't do the same then you should walk.
I can't fathom how you would even bring that topic up without offending her. You would love for her to slim down, but perhaps she is comfortable in her own skin the way she is? And how would you even braoch the subject?
I wouldn't suggest you ever start a relationship with the intention of changing someone. It is not fair to her to place these expectations on her. Heck...if someone ever said "I love everything about you but your weight, but I can help you change that" I'd drop him like a hot potato.
I think I'd rather advise her than you. If I could speak to her, here is what I would say:
"This man says you are pretty, intelligent, have a great sense of humor, plus lots of other qualities he greatly admires. However, he is seriously thinking of discounting all that because of your weight. Even if he decides to take a chance with you, he is likely to put a lot of pressure on you to slim down, starting from day one. He'll justifying his weight fixation by explaining his family history of diabetes. I don't think he means any harm. He is probably a good guy at heart. But frankly, I think you can do better."
I work in healthcare, and have worked with bariatric patients in the past. I've seen tissue breakdown first hand, and the "end of the road" for some of these people. Not pretty, or something I want for myself or someone I love.
I would rather actively work against getting to that level, rather than run towards it.
I love a lot of her qualities, and would want to help her not reach that level, if possible.
OP this isn't a case of her gaining the weight after you become involved. You know going in what he weight is. If you still pursue a relationship with her then you need to accept her weight up front. She sounds like a find to me. Pretty, smart, shared interests. You need to give your "standards" some serious thought. There is likely someone in line behind you waiting for a chance to meet this girl.
You are entering this relationship with the idea of her losing weight to be more acceptable to you. If you begin pressuring her to lose weight, she will probably gain more from the stress of that. Has she told you she wants to lose weight? If she has then maybe you and her could start on a diet together. If she has not said this it may be a long road ahead of you. Don't lead her on and then drop her if she doesn't lose weight. This is a very sensitive subject with women, so tread lightly.
If she's already big when you meet her, and you still choose to date her then that's on you. And you shouldn't try to change her. But if you're together and she puts on a bunch of weight then that's on her, and I think it's responsible for a man to make demands for her to lose weight.
Honestly, it may be a seasonal thing. It is winter time. People are wearing bulkier clothes so you won't necessarily feel "embarrassed" walking around with her. I'm sure she is great and everything you are stating.
But usually when Spring time rolls around and you are bombarded with attractive women in great shape. You may not find her mind so attractive anymore.
I find myself wondering if she is actually heavy enough to pose a potential health hazard. A size 8 or 10 when you normally date size 4s is not anyone you should play games with to try and get them to lose weight.
Or is she larger than that?
You do need to be able to accept her at this weight, and even a touch heavier, if you want to date her seriously. Don't put conditions on it. She may slim down; she may not. And while bariatric patients do have unique, sometimes pretty horrible health complications, you could wind up with a slender wife with ovarian or breast cancer who requires disfiguring surgery and dies early too.
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