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Old 12-17-2012, 05:00 AM
 
3,523 posts, read 3,753,220 times
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So, when you meet someone, they'll change you. Maybe not, but more than likely so.

How much are you willing or expected to change to incorporate another into your life?
Not at all? Are you 'supposed' to be exactly who you will always be? Or, will someone new change you so significantly that the best you could ever hope for is to be who you would have wanted to have been before you ever met each other?

It's just that I'm being put under a lot of pressure to commit to decisions that will take time to undo when my time is up. And the more I commit now, the more likely I'm going to want to not commit later unless I'm absolutely sure.

So, if it's false, then no worries. But if it's true, it's like, all this commitment meant nothing. As it is now, I can't not commit.

Like, 'you can't win for losing'....

Last edited by dub dub II; 12-17-2012 at 05:16 AM..
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Old 12-17-2012, 05:22 AM
 
Location: Atlanta & NYC
6,621 posts, read 11,176,351 times
Reputation: 6590
My personality never changes. The girlfriends just change when necessary.
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Old 12-17-2012, 06:54 AM
 
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
9,866 posts, read 8,007,103 times
Reputation: 11220
I think it's always possible to reinvent yourself. For it to work, however, the benefit must be yours.
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Old 12-17-2012, 07:20 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,055 posts, read 37,695,377 times
Reputation: 73691
Quote:
Originally Posted by dub dub II View Post

It's just that I'm being put under a lot of pressure to commit to decisions that will take time to undo when my time is up.
I'm not sure what this means, especially the bold part.

If you're considering something that you KNOW you would have to change or stop doing if the relationship were to end, you should not do that. Unless it's something you already should be doing like bathing regularly or flushing.

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Old 12-17-2012, 07:27 AM
 
Location: NY
8,994 posts, read 14,197,080 times
Reputation: 11334
Quote:
Originally Posted by dub dub II View Post
So, when you meet someone, they'll change you. Maybe not, but more than likely so.

How much are you willing or expected to change to incorporate another into your life? Not at all? Are you 'supposed' to be exactly who you will always be? Or, will someone new change you so significantly that the best you could ever hope for is to be who you would have wanted to have been before you ever met each other?

It's just that I'm being put under a lot of pressure to commit to decisions that will take time to undo when my time is up. And the more I commit now, the more likely I'm going to want to not commit later unless I'm absolutely sure.

So, if it's false, then no worries. But if it's true, it's like, all this commitment meant nothing. As it is now, I can't not commit.

Like, 'you can't win for losing'....
I feel your question is going in two directions with change. On the one hand, if you change yourself to incorporate someone into your life better. Say, you change your schedule a little to give that person more time. Or maybe spend a little less time with friends so you have time with your SO, thats one thing.

Then there is changing who you are fundamentally. If you surrender your values, desires, dreams, etc, your not going to be happy.

You need to be able to happily be yourself in a relationship, and your partner needs to honor and respect your need to be yourself (just as you need to do for them).

There is a lot in the details too. People always change, but if you make changes you are unhappy with, your just not going to be happy.
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Old 12-18-2012, 11:32 AM
 
12,429 posts, read 14,559,489 times
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If you think that when you meet someone they'll "change" you, be assured it would be for the best....like amazingly enough, you'll find that you're now thinking of what's best for both of you, not just you..You'll find that having feelings and caring for another is not so bad...rewarding most times...You may even find it gives you great pleasure to know that someone else thinks about you in a good way, and looks forward to being with you....you may find that sharing life with another brings you great joy....loving someone is not about changing them , but more about accepting them the way they are and feeling glad about it.
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Old 12-18-2012, 01:04 PM
 
Location: NoVa
18,434 posts, read 28,526,733 times
Reputation: 19578
I am wondering what you are having to change. I think we all change to a degree, over time.

I am wondering if you are having to change who you are or adapt to doing a few things differently. What's going on?

In a relationship, no one should be trying to change the other. We need to look within, and if something seems like it needs changing, then we change it, ourselves. A man or woman should never ask his/her SO to change. They should accept them for who they are. Learn to live with that or just not be with them.

I have changed a few things but they were not within myself, they were how I did this or that.

I am still the same person I always was. Can I improve on myself? Absolutely. When I am ready to, not when someone else tells me to.
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Old 12-18-2012, 01:13 PM
 
11,230 posts, read 9,231,004 times
Reputation: 14654
Changing for the better is a good thing. Everyone should be growing and developing all the time. Ask yourself not "how much" change, but is the change an improvement in my self. If the answer is yes, do it.
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Old 12-18-2012, 02:13 PM
 
2,765 posts, read 3,958,705 times
Reputation: 2965
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
Changing for the better is a good thing. Everyone should be growing and developing all the time. Ask yourself not "how much" change, but is the change an improvement in my self. If the answer is yes, do it.
I agree with this post.
Are you willin to drink less?
Get more accomplished?
Reinvent yourself in the way you always wanted but couldn't due to previous reputation ?

As long as you want the change, and it isn't too drastic, I think change for the better is a good thing.

But, if you change to make the other person happy, or to impress them, it isn't a good idea. Eventually, you will grow tired physically, or mentally, or emotionally of the change, because change is kind of a big deal, and it doesn't usually happen overnight with success.

I have dated women that it seemed like they were trying to change who they were to make the relationship work. Those two relationships failed worse than any of the other relationships.

Extreme changes are hard to overcome, AND they are difficult to cover up.
In a perfect world, any woman I date would be honest and tell me "I used to do 'this', and I am trying to change. If anything pops up from conversation, or social events that points to my previous 'this' behavior, you shouldn't be shocked/ surprised/ unprepared."
Sadly, I think my dream is a fantasy, and most people won't admit to changing.
But, IME, I was able to figure out to some level that these two women in particular were not being completely honest with me on who they really were.
You can only hide so much, eventually the truth comes out somehow, someway.
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