Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My BF of 8 months broke up with me 2 months ago, and what I've come to learn is that he has an extreme fear of intimacy due to abuse he suffered as a child from his mother's boyfriend and a mother that was so into her own alcoholism that she "didn't know" about it. We had a great relationship, but he kept me at sort of an arm's length in a lot of ways, and when it started to get more serious, he would sabotage everything.
(Trying to keep it short, but I'll answer any questions you might have that could help.)
Something that I picked up on from him, and something that was confirmed by his sister yesterday after a short conversation I had with him, was that something bothered him about meeting my family. When we were together, he backed out on meeting my dad twice and blamed it on work, and just a few weeks after we broke up, he was supposed to go to a wedding with me and meet my mom and her side of the family. On the occasions that I would mention it, he would get weird, looking back in hindsight. He only met 2 of my friends, once each, and my co-workers once when he picked me up at work once.
He had no trouble with me meeting his family and friends, as I had met everyone that was local, and even one sister that lived a couple of hours away. I even spent time with his 8 year old daughter on 3 occasions. So why in particular would he have a serious issue with meeting anyone in my family?
I understand a lot about Fear of intimacy, since I've been reading up on it, but this part kind of stumps me.
Does it really matter at this point? I'm sorry he broke up with you, I bet he will regret it later, but all you can do is try to move forward. His issues are his own to work out.
Abuse can make a person feel like an outsider. YOu presumably have a loving relationship with your parents, and he has no context for that. He may feel like they will see him as flawed since in a way his own parents rejected him. He may feel that he cannot take care of you the way they think you should be taken care of.
I've dated two men who were abused as children. They both adored my family very much, but they always felt like they would never measure up in my family's eyes.
Sad, I know. But you can't fix it. This is something he'll have to handle on his own.
It matters in the context of me trying to understand where I may have contributed to his anxiety so that I can understand myself and my actions better for the future.
I actually do not have that great of a relationship with my parents, and he knew that. I only see them a few times a year, and we're not that close.
Dysfunctional families leave a lot of scars behind. There's a good book by Wyane Mueller (I think), The Spiritual Advantages of Painful Childhood. Read it.
Abuse can make a person feel like an outsider. YOu presumably have a loving relationship with your parents, and he has no context for that. He may feel like they will see him as flawed since in a way his own parents rejected him. He may feel that he cannot take care of you the way they think you should be taken care of.
I've dated two men who were abused as children. They both adored my family very much, but they always felt like they would never measure up in my family's eyes.
Sad, I know. But you can't fix it. This is something he'll have to handle on his own.
+1 on most of this post.
Also, he may have trust issues. Sometimes letting 'new' people into ones life is difficult, and people put up walls to protect themselves, and sometimes those walls are so thick they close themself off to most everyone they don't know.
Imagine the trauma this guy endured from people that were supposed to love him. If those 'loved ones' hurt him, imagine what people who don't care about him will do to him.
This guy is going to need someone EXTREMELY patient to deal with his anxieties of being around family of s/o's. And it sounds like his walls and fears are so deep, it may be difficult for him to have a successful relationship with anyone. He can't expect to avoid his s/o's families for the rest of his life, just because his family caused him pain. He needs to get past those trust issues. And maybe, with therapy, and many years of emotional and mental growth, he MIGHT change. But as an adult, he is already probably hard wired.
Even if he is a GREAT person, being in a relationship with this guy will be difficult for anyone.
It matters in the context of me trying to understand where I may have contributed to his anxiety so that I can understand myself and my actions better for the future.
I actually do not have that great of a relationship with my parents, and he knew that. I only see them a few times a year, and we're not that close.
I understand what you are asking but unfortunately he has issues. No 2 situations will be similar. The next time you will have other concerns and have to adjust accordingly. There is no real answer to your question. But know that you have to be very cautious and be careful not to "dig" too deep into a person's life especially when they have unhealthy pasts. Leave the analysis for the professionals. Just be a good human being and a supporting cast member.
Yes, I know and he knows that he needs professional help. I'm not asking about that, or anything of the sort.
I'm asking because I truly want to understand why this particular situation had something to do with it, and I'm obviously not going to ask HIM, so I wondered if anybody else had any insight.
It's something that I feel might shed more light on the situation that may help me move on.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
