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Old 12-21-2012, 02:37 PM
 
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Have you ever liked someone quite a bit and had your affection returned with equal intensity? But here's the catch: Say you know that you have certain qualities that are likely to turn that person off over time. They accept you as you are now, but you think over the long term those qualities would eventually become dealbreakers. How would you handle it or have you handled it? Do you just go with the flow or do you end things? Is it impossible for the person who expects to be rejected to maintain a functional relationship with the other person, despite the other person's willingness to do so?

The most obvious example I can think of would be a very religious person dating a person who is indifferent to religion or of a dramatically different faith. But I"m thinking it could be clashing personality types (an introvert and an extrovert, for example, or a very refined or well-mannered person with someone who is very uncouth). Obviously, many couples make this work, but I think in just as many couples of this nature at least one of them recognizes the disparity will become an insurmountable conflict.

Just a discussion topic I figured I'd toss out there.
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Old 12-21-2012, 02:47 PM
 
Location: Australia
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In my case, the relationship would have started in the first place.

Like I wouldn't hook up with a cigarette smoker...it just turns me off to the point that if they asked me out, I'd say thanks but no thanks.

It's not even something I consciously do, I just always seem to meet and like non smokers.

However, I remember being on dates and the guy saying or doing something and me just feeling the air instantly leak out of my balloon, because he's just inadvertently become a dud, right before my eyes, by saying something I find offensive/stupid/sexist/mean. It's like someone dumps a bucket of cold water on me, I'm all "nope!", straightaway and irreversably.
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Old 12-21-2012, 02:56 PM
 
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Are you asking that if two people are really hitting it off, but then one of your own personality traits will become an issue down the road ?

I don't think of relationships like that. To me, that is like saying, I built/ purchased this ladder, but it might break in 10 years through use due to changes in the structure of the ladder from years of stress and strain and inevitable permanent deformation. So, since this ladder will eventually break, should I even risk my physical well being with a product that MIGHT eventually give out?
I am not being sarcastic here.

If a relationship of mine fails, it is mainly due to clashing personality traits, or behaviors. Or lack of chemistry, or cheating, etc.

My own personality traits are not the reason my relationships end. If I believed that, how would I ever have any confidence in myself, and what I do?
The other person has to accept you, and your personality traits. We may change a little bit, but at the end of the day, each person accepts the other person for who they are/ how they act/think.
All we can do is try to find someone who will accept us, and from time to time, people may look in the mirror and change to become more compatible.

If your differences have been communicated, lets say in your example; religion, and the other person accepts it today, then you HAVE to trust that they won't change their mind.
And if your own experience, this same (for example) religion issue becomes a deal breaker every time with a certain people, then just don't date those people with the extreme different view. But if that person accepts you, then why not trust them?
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Old 12-21-2012, 03:01 PM
 
Location: Australia
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This is the sort of thing you identify on the first date.

Like casually chatting about their exes. I had some guy tell me that his ex wife was a grasping byotch (or something like that) to which I immediately reacted "nice way to talk about the mother of your children" and that was the end of that budding romance. He was gone and he knew it.
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Old 12-21-2012, 03:31 PM
 
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great thread. I was just going to post this question.
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Old 12-21-2012, 03:33 PM
 
Location: Albuquerque, NM
13,295 posts, read 12,352,940 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
Have you ever liked someone quite a bit and had your affection returned with equal intensity? But here's the catch: Say you know that you have certain qualities that are likely to turn that person off over time. They accept you as you are now, but you think over the long term those qualities would eventually become dealbreakers. How would you handle it or have you handled it? Do you just go with the flow or do you end things? Is it impossible for the person who expects to be rejected to maintain a functional relationship with the other person, despite the other person's willingness to do so?

The most obvious example I can think of would be a very religious person dating a person who is indifferent to religion or of a dramatically different faith. But I"m thinking it could be clashing personality types (an introvert and an extrovert, for example, or a very refined or well-mannered person with someone who is very uncouth). Obviously, many couples make this work, but I think in just as many couples of this nature at least one of them recognizes the disparity will become an insurmountable conflict.

Just a discussion topic I figured I'd toss out there.
That's a decision I let them make.

All I can do is be honest

As I recently mentioned in another thread, for my job I have 6 to 12 month assignments in various countries around the world. When I meet someone there they are aware that I will not be staying long-term. It's then up to them if they want to be involved with me or not
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Old 12-21-2012, 03:49 PM
 
12,445 posts, read 14,578,535 times
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That sounds fair filihok, it's not like you're trying to deceive anyone...JrzDefector, I agree completely with AverageGuy2006, no one can predict the future, we can only have faith, and hope for the best.
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Old 12-21-2012, 03:57 PM
 
10,026 posts, read 8,864,398 times
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I dated a guy casually for a few times then he sprung that he has several kids on me. I knew this was a deal breaker so we remained friends. I am just glad he told me before we got serious because it would be sad to have to break up but this isn't bendable. Same thing with a guy I dated for awhile. He was wonderful and we starting talking marriage but then he mentioned he wanted me to convert to his religion. I knew that would be a problem so we broke up and still chat.
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Old 12-21-2012, 04:49 PM
 
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My wife believed/believes in the "Big Floaty, Judgemental, All Seeing Eye/Head in the sky" business and I did/do not. When I was first thinking of proposing I wondered if this would be an issue that she would find hard to deal with but she hasn't.

She thinks I'm a sceptic that will be proven wrong and I think she's the most wonderful lunatic i've ever met.
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Old 12-21-2012, 05:22 PM
 
18,856 posts, read 30,480,415 times
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I can see how this can easily happen. When you are lonely, and tired of the "search", and the head games. You finally find someone, who is "okay". And you settle in, like wearing a pair of shoes you like, but know they are only for a certain occasion, but not appropriate for a long hike. Maybe, he drinks a bit too much, once in awhile. Or whatever, and you just gloss over it. And the longer you ignore the issue, the more you justify to yourself it is not that big of a deal.

Stop. That is when you have crossed over into changing your core values. And guess what? We never really change our "core values". The things you grew up with as a child, and things you hold as important....guess what? You will never really change. It will always bother you, on some level, and create tension in the relationship, that you can't even identify....
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