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Old 10-16-2007, 06:05 PM
 
108 posts, read 279,160 times
Reputation: 32

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Today after 21 years I made it. I called the woman who destroyed my family's life.

When I was 9, we were living in Spain, and my father had a mistress who was actually my mom's best friend. He kept that relationship for years. We are four sisters and our lives became a horror (from a kids eyes). My parents were fighting and screaming at each other everyday, literally everyday. We were paying our price as well, not only my mom. My dad became angry and started yelling at us (kids) with no reason. I remember myself and my sisters crying all the time.
My mom (as she says) she forgave him but she can't forget. And still, until I left home (a little over 6 years ago) and got married, living with my parents was a nightmare.

I still think about this thing that happened to us all the time.In my eyes we were the most happy family in the world until that woman destroyed it. And, yes, my father has at least 50% of the blame as well.

About a week ago I decided to look for her in the Internet. And found her. She still lives in the same place that she did 21 years ago.
Today was the day. I called her. I didn't tell her who I was. I asked her when was the last time she saw (and i said my fathers name), she kept quiet for a few seconds and she asked who I was, I told her that I am not going to tell her, at this point I knew she could either continue the conversation or hang up, She decided to continue. She said that about 15 years ago. (meaning that they continued the relationship for 6 years!). I asked her if she was still married to the same man, she said yes, I told her I feel bad for him (yes, I am still very angry at her), I said to her that she should know that she ruined many people's life. All she said to that was "OK". She asked again who I was and I said that I do not owe her anything and that at this point I am not going to tell her. She still wanted to keep talking. I called her the H word (P in spanish) and told her that she will never be forgiven by me. At the end I said: Good luck to you Ana and I hanged up...

I feel a relief, I feel like I needed t do this for myself, my sisters and my mom. But I still feel that I need to tell her more things. I do not know what to do, I want to call her again and ask her questions. I feel like this isn't finished but I don't know if I should.
Should I ?
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Old 10-16-2007, 06:23 PM
 
Location: Somewhere out there
16,264 posts, read 11,626,541 times
Reputation: 35975
Wow sorry you had to endure this in your childhood. I feel you vented today at her now let it go if you don't it will eat you up. You will always think of more stuff to say to her, I would have told her my name though since you worked up the nerve to call her.

Hope you find peace.
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Old 10-16-2007, 06:34 PM
 
Location: Beautiful Kentucky
820 posts, read 1,910,392 times
Reputation: 519
mom and wife, I suspect that there's many pieces to your anger from your childhood possibly? First, your dad is more than 50% responsible for the affair he had. He is the one that was suppose to be committed to you, your siblings, and his wife. This other woman owed nothing to any of you - what she did is between her, her family, and God. I would suggest that you let go of a childhood that was obviously less than ideal and focus on your own family. If you've been blessed with a husband and children, they don't need that kind of baggage. Enjoy what you have now and grieve no longer over what could or should have been with your childhood.

So, no, I would not waste a moment of my life now calling this woman from your dad's past. JMO
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Old 10-16-2007, 06:37 PM
 
Location: In the sunshine on a ship with a plank
3,413 posts, read 5,930,032 times
Reputation: 2176
You could write a letter to her and cleanse yourself of the anger you carry. Get all of that poison out of your heart and soul and onto the paper.

When you're done, put that letter aside for a few weeks without reading it. After a few weeks, take inventory of how you feel-

You may feel better and cleansed because you got it out- and you might want to throw that letter away or burn it without reading it again.

You may want to read it and dispose/burn it.

And you may decide to send it.

This woman who made these problems for you does not deserve the opportunity to explain herself- but she is obligated to hear of the pain her indiscretion caused you, an innocent child at the time.

I will make one other suggestion- you might write another letter to your father. Until you deal with the person who truly owed you better than what you got, I don't believe you will heal.
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Old 10-16-2007, 06:38 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
13,058 posts, read 22,513,450 times
Reputation: 10268
I also hope that you feel better after the phone call. What exactly did your parents fight about? Only the fact that he was having an affair? My parents fought too, but it was for reasons of work stress and other things. The fact that this woman was with your dad so long, it sounds like they really meant something to one another.

I think that she will talk to you again, but don't call her if you are still going to call her names. Make a list of what else you want to ask her and try to be civilized while you talk to her. You want the truth, not her making up stories to get back at your family or out of fear that you will cause future trouble for her. What's done is done. And now you want the facts for closure.
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Old 10-16-2007, 08:06 PM
 
Location: Missouri
5,947 posts, read 14,992,749 times
Reputation: 4621
Do what you have to do, but if I were you I'd be angry at your dad. This woman never owed your family anything, but your dad betrayed you all.
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Old 10-16-2007, 09:17 PM
 
1,352 posts, read 3,258,833 times
Reputation: 553
Quote:
Originally Posted by christina0001 View Post
Do what you have to do, but if I were you I'd be angry at your dad. This woman never owed your family anything, but your dad betrayed you all.
I couldn't agree more. That woman has to live with herself for messing with a married man and her best friends husband at that. Your Father is the one to blame however, he obviously had some kind of love for his children because he could have easily left you all (as is what many of them will do and have done). In addition, your Mom had the choice to leave as well, instead of putting you all through the turmoil.

I suggest that you leave it alone and move on with your life. If you're grown now and happily married why are you hanging on to the past? Do you feel a distrust of men because of what your Mom went through? There are always going to be women who would fool around with a married man - there is nothing you can do about that, unfortunately. It's just up to you to TRY and choose the right man who won't go outside of the marriage

I hope you let go and move on!
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Old 10-16-2007, 09:39 PM
 
Location: in drifts of snow wherever you go
2,522 posts, read 484,866 times
Reputation: 692
Quote:
Originally Posted by momandwifefromcali View Post
Today after 21 years I made it. I called the woman who destroyed my family's life.

When I was 9, we were living in Spain, and my father had a mistress who was actually my mom's best friend. He kept that relationship for years. We are four sisters and our lives became a horror (from a kids eyes). My parents were fighting and screaming at each other everyday, literally everyday. We were paying our price as well, not only my mom. My dad became angry and started yelling at us (kids) with no reason. I remember myself and my sisters crying all the time.
My mom (as she says) she forgave him but she can't forget. And still, until I left home (a little over 6 years ago) and got married, living with my parents was a nightmare.

I still think about this thing that happened to us all the time.In my eyes we were the most happy family in the world until that woman destroyed it. And, yes, my father has at least 50% of the blame as well.

About a week ago I decided to look for her in the Internet. And found her. She still lives in the same place that she did 21 years ago.
Today was the day. I called her. I didn't tell her who I was. I asked her when was the last time she saw (and i said my fathers name), she kept quiet for a few seconds and she asked who I was, I told her that I am not going to tell her, at this point I knew she could either continue the conversation or hang up, She decided to continue. She said that about 15 years ago. (meaning that they continued the relationship for 6 years!). I asked her if she was still married to the same man, she said yes, I told her I feel bad for him (yes, I am still very angry at her), I said to her that she should know that she ruined many people's life. All she said to that was "OK". She asked again who I was and I said that I do not owe her anything and that at this point I am not going to tell her. She still wanted to keep talking. I called her the H word (P in spanish) and told her that she will never be forgiven by me. At the end I said: Good luck to you Ana and I hanged up...

I feel a relief, I feel like I needed t do this for myself, my sisters and my mom. But I still feel that I need to tell her more things. I do not know what to do, I want to call her again and ask her questions. I feel like this isn't finished but I don't know if I should.
Should I ?
No. Do not call her again. This revenge feels good when you are doing it but it does not take away your anger, as you are beginning to realize. In fact, it is only making you more angry. Your are carrying your mother's anger. It was your mother who was full of rage and tears and helplessness. What could she do? Her best friend and her husband had betrayed her. She had children to raise. Where was she to go? All those years she had to put up with the two of them carrying on behind her back. All those long years. Give this anger back to your mother. In your mind picture yourself handing something over to her and saying: "Here, this is yours, you carry it." And let this old mistress of the past go. Picture yourself walking down a road with your mother, your father, and the mistress somewhere behind you. Watch them grow smaller and smaller as you continue to walk down this long and winding path. Keep walking. Now look behind you. They are gone. They have disappeared over the edge of the horizon, and you are all grown up and free to go.
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Old 10-16-2007, 10:08 PM
 
Location: New England
786 posts, read 131,219 times
Reputation: 553
Harboring a resentment is like wetting your pants: everyone else can see the result, but you're the only one who feels it. And the way you left that phone call is a good example of why one should check with a trusted neutral party - a friend, a counselor, a clergyman, or whomever - before storming through someone else's life. The phone call was unsatisfying to you for a number of reasons: for starters, you never told her who you were, so she doesn't know for sure exactly what your relation to your dad is.. though she can probably guess; secondly, it sounds like the convo was pretty one-sided, with you being the judge and jury and calling her up for (apparently) the primary purpose of making her miserable rather than gaining her perspective and, thereby, a deeper understanding of the situation, but most of all, the call was unfulfilling to you because you cannot forgive her.

That's right. There's a spiritual axiom that says that whenever we are troubled, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. This can be particularly difficult to get over when dealing with justifiable anger, which seems to be the case with you. You have every right to be angry... I don't dispute that. You were a 9 year-old kid and her involvement with your dad wreaked havoc on your family.

But you're no longer 9 years old. This is now 21 years later. Time to let it go.

I would not call her up again until you are ready to forgive her. And then, when you call, the first thing you do is to make amends for your behavior on the previous phone call. And you tell her who you are. She knows what happened to your family, I presume. But there is sure to be another side to the story. Maybe you could ask her for her perspective. But do not call her until you can truly forgive her, and then drop the accusations. Try to gain understanding instead of satisfaction.

If you can do that, you may find the next call a little more satisfying. But I think you're a long way from bridging that gap. Praying for her will help. Whether or not you believe in God... it's the actions that count... just do it, whether you believe it or not.
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Old 10-16-2007, 10:33 PM
 
200 posts, read 713,024 times
Reputation: 127
I agree with the other posters. Many years ago, my college 'sweatheart', who I continued dating for 7 years... had an indiscretion with a woman, who had a fiance.

I felt like my world collapsed. After the despair...I became really angry that this chick somehow managed to 'seemingly' destroy my life, but hers remained in tact (fiance and all). I wanted to take some sort of revenge; I wanted her to hurt, I wanted to destroy her life...I wanted to call her, tell her fiance, have my ex call her and tell her she was worthless...

I went to a therapist who reminded me, this chick's life is already chaos. Who else would she do such a terrible, desperate kind of thing, who would make such horrible decisions... Don't engage with this fool; raise your head high...and be the opposite kind of woman...

Last edited by movingtolou; 10-16-2007 at 11:27 PM..
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