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Though I am the person that everyone on earth confesses to immediately upon meeting (strangers in the grocery store telling me about their lost loves, coworkers confiding about embarrasing medical conditions, etc.) my current SO has recently begun to say "I can't tell you anything." This makes me feel awful as I share a lot of my thoughts and feelings with him.
He is having issues with his family and acting out a lot. When I ask, he snaps at me that he can't tell me. Being from a very dysfunctional family myself, its difficult to believe that anything he would say would be met with shock but yet he repeats this mantra. When he does tell me something, and I react honestly and ask him how he feels or what he thinks is going on, he flips out and says that I am being insensitive.
I was trained in crisis counseling and use a lot of those techniques-- active listening, asking reflexive questions, not interjecting my personal opinion. None of these are working. I am about at the end of my rope.
Well, I totally get where your husband is coming from. If someone takes me into his or her confidence, part of that means not telling anyone, including MrsCPG. And I hate that, but a promise is a promise. But if, on the other hand, these are things that have happened to him, it directly affects your relationship. In that sense, secrets are completely, utterly out of bounds.
He needs to start seeing a counselor. Honestly. It sounds like he has a lot of deep issues he needs to discuss and work out, and for whatever reason he is not comfortable discussing them with you. That may not have anything to do with how you respond either. You may just be too close to him emotionally for him to get this stuff out to you.
Generally, you should be able to tell your SO anything. That said, I know how that can be difficult at times, especially with confusing raw emotions. Having a professional outlet to work out those extremes sometimes is the healthy thing to do.
My first thought is that his issues with his family make him feel that they're not listening to him, so he's transferring his frustrations at not being heard, onto you?
He needs to start seeing a counselor. Honestly. It sounds like he has a lot of deep issues he needs to discuss and work out, and for whatever reason he is not comfortable discussing them with you. That may not have anything to do with how you respond either. You may just be too close to him emotionally for him to get this stuff out to you.
Generally, you should be able to tell your SO anything. That said, I know how that can be difficult at times, especially with confusing raw emotions. Having a professional outlet to work out those extremes sometimes is the healthy thing to do.
I have suggested this to him but he hasn't really taken it seriously.
Recently, he started looking into grad school, which I think is great, but would require a time and financial commitment (as well as a place commitment-- we may not be able to move for a while and that would impact my career) from me while he pursued it. He didn't come and say "hey, what do you think? How will we approach this?" He just sort of assumed I would be onboard. When he started mentioning where programs were I let him know places that I might not be able or willing to go, he freaked out and said "I can't tell you anything!" He still gets set off if I mention this conversation. Now he is blaming me for giving up on the idea.
When you say you use the techniques you learned, can you tell if it feels like he is being "worked on" treated by a pro when you listen to him? Are you being a GF or a counselor at that point? He may just want a human to understand and not react.
It sounds like he just doesn't like the reactions he gets from you ... he doesn't WANT to tell you certain things because he doesn't want to hear any possible negative response.
When my husband has said this kind of thing to me in the past, it means he has a problem somewhere else in his life, like with parents or at work, and my reaction when he tells me ADDS stress to the situation. As someone emotionally involved with the SO, there is a point at which you can only be "so objective."
If your BF knows you have conflict or negative feelings about members of his family, he may not want to talk to you about it b/c he straight up doesn't want MORE conflict in the situation.
If he really WANTS to go to grad school somewhere but doesn't want you to limit his dream with YOUR wish list of acceptable places to move, he may just not want that additional conflict.
Sounds like you're approaching a crossroads to me ...
My first thought is that his issues with his family make him feel that they're not listening to him, so he's transferring his frustrations at not being heard, onto you?
I honestly couldn't say. All I know is that his parents are going through a difficult divorce, and that his dad seems to have very dramatic, histrionic tendencies (alluding to suicide and disappearing for a day or so to get everyone stirred up and then magically returning with a "what? why are you guys acting so upset?" sort of attitude). My SO is geographically very far removed from them and talks to them about once a week. I have the general outline of the situation but don't interfere or press for more detail.
It sounds like he just doesn't like the reactions he gets from you ... he doesn't WANT to tell you anything because he doesn't want to hear any possible negative response.
When you say you use the techniques you learned, can you tell if it feels like he is being "worked on" treated by a pro when you listen to him? Are you being a GF or a counselor at that point? He may just want a human to understand and not react.
When my husband has said this kind of thing to me in the past, it means he has a problem somewhere else in his life, like with parents or at work, and my reaction when he tells me ADDS stress to the situation.
If your BF knows you have conflict or negative feelings about members of his family, he may not want to talk to you about it b/c he straight up doesn't want MORE conflict in the situation.
If he really WANTS to go to grad school somewhere but doesn't want you to limit it with YOUR wish list of where you want to move, he may just not want that additional conflict.
SOunds like a turning point to me ...
This may be the issue. I can't react by saying what I really think because that is judgemental and I don't have all the facts. So I just listen and ask questions. I sometimes feel like his therapist, and when I do, I try to push myself back into my role as a partner. But its difficult because I can't really voice my concerns or share personal experiences that may have been similar. If he starts freaking, I am not allowed to freak out back (even when its warranted.) If I say anything at all, its wrong. If I don't say anything but just listen, that is wrong too.
his dad seems to have very dramatic, histrionic tendencies (alluding to suicide and disappearing for a day or so to get everyone stirred up and then magically returning with a "what? why are you guys acting so upset?" sort of attitude).
Maybe the apple hasn't fallen that far from the tree.
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