Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 01-07-2013, 07:48 AM
 
3,762 posts, read 5,404,757 times
Reputation: 4832

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by lpfan921 View Post
Why are kids a deal-breaker for you? I notice this more with men who won't date single mothers, although it can happen with women not dating single dads as well. Is it because the kids themselves drive you nuts and you don't like having them around? Or is it for financial reasons, because you fear that your significant other would guilt you into helping financially support a kid who is not yours? Or is there some other reason i have not thought of?
There's a young lady here who has an issue with her boyfriend because his family is racist and that racism will likely be directed at her should she be introduced to them. She has been told screw the family, you are not dating them you are dating him. Well when you are dating someone who is a parent, you can no longer say that you are dating him only and the family doesn't matter. So now instead of being in an intimate relationship of two where you only have to please and get to know each other, you find yourself looking at one or more children whom you also have to develop a relationship with, if they even give you a chance. You have to deal with discipline issues or lack thereof and everything else that comes along with having children. And you will have to pay for them one way or another. If you are a man dating a single mom, you will have to pay for family time out. If you are a woman dating a single parent, you will likely have to play nurse or babysitter. But you have no say in their discipline or anything else major in their lives. You are now the wallet or other service provider. But again, that's if they like you. Does that sound fun?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-07-2013, 07:52 AM
 
3,762 posts, read 5,404,757 times
Reputation: 4832
Quote:
Originally Posted by BioMechanical View Post
That could be it. Or maybe we're just too old to be having kids I don't know

I hope it happens for me though as I would really like to raise a family.
As long as you are attractive to women of child bearing capability who actually want to have children you, as a man, will never be too old. So don't worry about it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-07-2013, 11:17 AM
 
82 posts, read 313,178 times
Reputation: 77
Throughout my twenties I refused to date a man with a child. I don't want them myself and little kids annoy me. Plus the financial cost over 20+ years, the stress... not interested. Well, I fell head over heels for a guy at work who had a son. The son was 2-5 during the time we were together. Sweet kid for the most part, but that age is trying no matter what. I wasn't put in the "mommy role," but it was stressful just being around it. I never wanted to deal with that stuff, and there I was living with the stress and not even having the benefit of that unconditional love that people have for their kids, underneath all the crap.

I also had an issue that another poster brought up, which was never going to go away. I had no kids and refused to be tied down by someone else's, so I tried to keep my own life. My ex had NO life. He worked all the time, had to work extra hours to cover the child support and still keep afloat (because I wasn't going to float him cash to pay for HIS child), and could never do ANYTHING. We had his son every single weekend and for the most part wouldn't get a babysitter because he felt guilty since he only saw the kid two days a week. All of this I understand. But because HE was trapped and miserable, I had to be too. If I went out and did stuff, even just going on a day trip by myself or out with a girl friend, I had to hear about how he never got to do anything.

Well, yeah. You have no life, because you have a small child. That's exactly why I didn't want one of my own.

We ended up breaking up, partly because of some glaring personality flaws and partly because of the kid thing. Just felt like there would ALWAYS be tension there because I could have my own life and hobbies, and he spent his free time stuck with his kid.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-07-2013, 11:21 AM
 
708 posts, read 876,994 times
Reputation: 509
Quote:
Originally Posted by cafepithecus View Post

I also had an issue that another poster brought up, which was never going to go away. I had no kids and refused to be tied down by someone else's, so I tried to keep my own life. My ex had NO life. He worked all the time, had to work extra hours to cover the child support and still keep afloat (because I wasn't going to float him cash to pay for HIS child), and could never do ANYTHING. We had his son every single weekend and for the most part wouldn't get a babysitter because he felt guilty since he only saw the kid two days a week. All of this I understand. But because HE was trapped and miserable, I had to be too. If I went out and did stuff, even just going on a day trip by myself or out with a girl friend, I had to hear about how he never got to do anything.


We ended up breaking up, partly because of some glaring personality flaws and partly because of the kid thing. Just felt like there would ALWAYS be tension there because I could have my own life and hobbies, and he spent his free time stuck with his kid.
Well not every person in that situation feels trapped and miserable, but it is unfortunate that he felt that was because of his son. Being with his son only 2 days a week made him feel that way...wow. Spending his free time "stuck with his son"...oh, the horrors.

Obviously you two weren't a good match. Best not to date single parents if that is your outlook.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-07-2013, 11:28 AM
 
82 posts, read 313,178 times
Reputation: 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by Betsy84 View Post
Well not every person in that situation feels trapped and miserable, but it is unfortunate that he felt that was because of his son. Being with his son only 2 days a week made him feel that way...wow. Spending his free time "stuck with his son"...oh, the horrors.

Obviously you two weren't a good match. Best not to date single parents if that is your outlook.
Well, even he admits now that it may not have been so much of a generic "dating people with kids" issue as a "dating HIM with a kid" issue. It definitely seemed like HE resented being a parent. I never looked at the two of them and thought, "Wow, having kids is a beautiful thing." Watching those two was like, "Why the hell do people do this to themselves." My ex was miserable, probably wasn't ready to have a kid in the first place.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-07-2013, 11:28 AM
 
Location: Up in the air
19,112 posts, read 30,568,841 times
Reputation: 16395
Quote:
Originally Posted by yayoi View Post
If that's the case then that's on the single mom not the guy. She should be cautious because she can't trust her own judgment.
Just look at some of the threads on this forum alone. Read about the men who manipulate women for fun, who pretend to be 'nice guys' to get what they want. Then, go find some PUA message boards and read their stuff. These men spend HOURS online sharing information on how to screw over women and they're REALLY good at it.

It's becoming really difficult to find a decent man.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-07-2013, 11:30 AM
 
708 posts, read 876,994 times
Reputation: 509
Quote:
Originally Posted by cafepithecus View Post
Well, even he admits now that it may not have been so much of a generic "dating people with kids" issue as a "dating HIM with a kid" issue. It definitely seemed like HE resented being a parent. I never looked at the two of them and thought, "Wow, having kids is a beautiful thing." Watching those two was like, "Why the hell do people do this to themselves." My ex was miserable, probably wasn't ready to have a kid in the first place.
Well that is unfortunate, for the sake of the kid.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-07-2013, 11:47 AM
 
Location: Reno, NV
5,987 posts, read 10,444,235 times
Reputation: 10809
It's a complex decision, I think. I think some of the key issues are: Do I already have children? Do I want any more children? Does she want more children, and can she have more children? If we each have children and may eventually merge households, what are the ages of the children? How do our parenting styles compare? What is the role and nature of any relationship with an ex?

It's a lot simpler if neither of you has children (esp. if young and wanting children), or are older and the children are independent.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-07-2013, 11:50 AM
 
4,380 posts, read 4,439,062 times
Reputation: 4437
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lamplight View Post
Another reason is I simply don't know how to interact with children because I've never really been around them very much. I'm the same way with dogs. I like dogs, but when one runs up to me wagging its tail, and I try to pet it, it looks at me like I don't know what I'm doing. I'm used to cats, and cats love me. But apparently there are different petting techniques for dogs and cats. Similarly, I can interact with adults all day just fine, but put me in a situation where I have to interact with children (of any age), and it's the most awkward thing you'll ever see.
I've been told more than once I talk to children the same way I talk to my dogs.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-07-2013, 01:05 PM
 
10,029 posts, read 10,870,240 times
Reputation: 5946
Quote:
Originally Posted by cafepithecus View Post
Throughout my twenties I refused to date a man with a child. I don't want them myself and little kids annoy me. Plus the financial cost over 20+ years, the stress... not interested. Well, I fell head over heels for a guy at work who had a son. The son was 2-5 during the time we were together. Sweet kid for the most part, but that age is trying no matter what. I wasn't put in the "mommy role," but it was stressful just being around it. I never wanted to deal with that stuff, and there I was living with the stress and not even having the benefit of that unconditional love that people have for their kids, underneath all the crap.

I also had an issue that another poster brought up, which was never going to go away. I had no kids and refused to be tied down by someone else's, so I tried to keep my own life. My ex had NO life. He worked all the time, had to work extra hours to cover the child support and still keep afloat (because I wasn't going to float him cash to pay for HIS child), and could never do ANYTHING. We had his son every single weekend and for the most part wouldn't get a babysitter because he felt guilty since he only saw the kid two days a week. All of this I understand. But because HE was trapped and miserable, I had to be too. If I went out and did stuff, even just going on a day trip by myself or out with a girl friend, I had to hear about how he never got to do anything.

Well, yeah. You have no life, because you have a small child. That's exactly why I didn't want one of my own.

We ended up breaking up, partly because of some glaring personality flaws and partly because of the kid thing. Just felt like there would ALWAYS be tension there because I could have my own life and hobbies, and he spent his free time stuck with his kid.
Not surprised your ex had no money because I have seen that pattern often. At least he didn't ask you to give him money.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top