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Old 01-02-2013, 11:07 AM
 
Location: Geauga County, Ohio
1,503 posts, read 1,849,015 times
Reputation: 1547

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My husband and I were each others' first time. I was his first girlfriend, he was my second boyfriend, but we took each others' virginity at age 17. We then broke up about a year later, then got back together after college. As teens we were clumsy but enjoyed sex, and despite him being a teenage guy and me a shy teenage girl, I kept up with his libido pretty well and sometimes even exceeded it.

When we re-united years later, same thing - during the early phase of our newly rekindled, and more mature, relationship, we had sex at least once a day, often more, and never turned each other down. Then, as we settled in, I'd say our libidos more or less matched, maybe his was *slightly* higher than mine, but if he was in the mood, it didn't take much effort on his part to get me going 90% of the time.

When I was pregnant with our first child, we had a 2 month dry spell where he couldn't touch me except for foot and back rubs, three months where I "bled him dry" as he put it with so much sex, then died down near the end. Then, for about 6 years, as our children were born and infant (three kids, 2 yrs apart each), his desire was the same, mine was very low most of the time, with the exhaustion, preoccupation with small kids, etc, he wanted it at least every couple days, and me, eeh, once a week max, and even then, it took a lot more "work" on his part to get me in the mood and get me "there" lol.

I often talk positively about our relationship, for good reason, here on CD. I say that we're sexually well matched, and usually we are, however, lately, it seems that my libido has returned to what it was when I was 23, and his, well, isn't. I hadn't worried much until a few weeks ago until I really sat down to think about it.

Now *I'm* the one that wants it almost every day, and he's happy with every few days! Part of it, I think, is that I've been exercising, eating healthier and overall feeling more energetic these days. I haven't lost that much weight, but "feel" better if that makes sense. He works out too, but also works 45-50 hrs/week and I'm a SAHM, and now that all the kids are in school most weekdays (when not summer or vacation) I find myself wanting more and more sex, and he's tired. We moved from California to Ohio this past spring, and I thought that was part of it, but it has yet to pick back up, even though we're settled in now. Nowadays, I initiate sex about twice as much as him. He's never had performance issues and it's as good as ever when we do it, but I worry that he's reaching a phase where he will want less and less and I'll just want more and more! When I bring it up, he admits he's got less desire lately, and thinks it might just be exhaustion and stress from his new job. He says working out makes him feel better but he's just too tired for sex once we have the chance. We used to do middle of the night sessions, but lately I can't wake him up with my usual tactics (use your imagination, lol), he NEVER used to turn it down, and now he often says he just wants to sleep.

Back when I was the one with desire issues, we started trying to do monthly date-nights where we'd get a sitter and have a late night out on the town (sometimes overnight if we could find a sitter willing). That slowly got us in sync, but, now, it seems like we ONLY have sex on a date night (when he'll usually initiate) unless I get things started.

Is this common? Usually these stories go the other way (hubby wants more than wife) and we've been there before, but it has switched. Part of me thinks this is just a phase, part of me worries that his spark is gone and mine is just getting reignited! He's as affectionate as ever, but he actually said HE wanted to just "cuddle and make out" without sex this weekend! We still do plenty of that stuff, actually, I'm glad we DO still make out after over 10 years together! It just never results in sex, which sometimes is nice, but sometimes I NEED SEX!

Sometimes when we're in a rut, or it feels we're getting too routine, we have a Weekend trip w/o kids and that usually helps, but I worry it's just a 'band aid'. I guess I am looking for advice and, confirmation that this won't necessarily be permanent.

And in case you're wondering, he and I are both 35.
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Old 01-02-2013, 11:19 AM
 
Location: The Jar
20,058 posts, read 18,212,461 times
Reputation: 37120
Quote:
Originally Posted by CrueRulz View Post
My husband and I were each others' first time. I was his first girlfriend, he was my second boyfriend, but we took each others' virginity at age 17. We then broke up about a year later, then got back together after college. As teens we were clumsy but enjoyed sex, and despite him being a teenage guy and me a shy teenage girl, I kept up with his libido pretty well and sometimes even exceeded it.

When we re-united years later, same thing - during the early phase of our newly rekindled, and more mature, relationship, we had sex at least once a day, often more, and never turned each other down. Then, as we settled in, I'd say our libidos more or less matched, maybe his was *slightly* higher than mine, but if he was in the mood, it didn't take much effort on his part to get me going 90% of the time.

When I was pregnant with our first child, we had a 2 month dry spell where he couldn't touch me except for foot and back rubs, three months where I "bled him dry" as he put it with so much sex, then died down near the end. Then, for about 6 years, as our children were born and infant (three kids, 2 yrs apart each), his desire was the same, mine was very low most of the time, with the exhaustion, preoccupation with small kids, etc, he wanted it at least every couple days, and me, eeh, once a week max, and even then, it took a lot more "work" on his part to get me in the mood and get me "there" lol.

I often talk positively about our relationship, for good reason, here on CD. I say that we're sexually well matched, and usually we are, however, lately, it seems that my libido has returned to what it was when I was 23, and his, well, isn't. I hadn't worried much until a few weeks ago until I really sat down to think about it.

Now *I'm* the one that wants it almost every day, and he's happy with every few days! Part of it, I think, is that I've been exercising, eating healthier and overall feeling more energetic these days. I haven't lost that much weight, but "feel" better if that makes sense. He works out too, but also works 45-50 hrs/week and I'm a SAHM, and now that all the kids are in school most weekdays (when not summer or vacation) I find myself wanting more and more sex, and he's tired. We moved from California to Ohio this past spring, and I thought that was part of it, but it has yet to pick back up, even though we're settled in now. Nowadays, I initiate sex about twice as much as him. He's never had performance issues and it's as good as ever when we do it, but I worry that he's reaching a phase where he will want less and less and I'll just want more and more! When I bring it up, he admits he's got less desire lately, and thinks it might just be exhaustion and stress from his new job. He says working out makes him feel better but he's just too tired for sex once we have the chance. We used to do middle of the night sessions, but lately I can't wake him up with my usual tactics (use your imagination, lol), he NEVER used to turn it down, and now he often says he just wants to sleep.

Back when I was the one with desire issues, we started trying to do monthly date-nights where we'd get a sitter and have a late night out on the town (sometimes overnight if we could find a sitter willing). That slowly got us in sync, but, now, it seems like we ONLY have sex on a date night (when he'll usually initiate) unless I get things started.

Is this common? Usually these stories go the other way (hubby wants more than wife) and we've been there before, but it has switched. Part of me thinks this is just a phase, part of me worries that his spark is gone and mine is just getting reignited! He's as affectionate as ever, but he actually said HE wanted to just "cuddle and make out" without sex this weekend! We still do plenty of that stuff, actually, I'm glad we DO still make out after over 10 years together! It just never results in sex, which sometimes is nice, but sometimes I NEED SEX!

Sometimes when we're in a rut, or it feels we're getting too routine, we have a Weekend trip w/o kids and that usually helps, but I worry it's just a 'band aid'. I guess I am looking for advice and, confirmation that this won't necessarily be permanent.

And in case you're wondering, he and I are both 35.
Has he been checked for an enlarged prostate??? Oftentimes, that IS the case.
Yes, starting around the age he is now.
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Old 01-02-2013, 11:21 AM
 
Location: Geauga County, Ohio
1,503 posts, read 1,849,015 times
Reputation: 1547
Yes, he was as part of a physical. All is fine there.
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Old 01-02-2013, 11:21 AM
 
14,376 posts, read 18,263,434 times
Reputation: 43042
Sounds like he's got a lot going on rather than lack of desire. It seems less like mismatched sex drives and more like mismatched workloads (not saying you don't work as a SAHM, but you're not pulling the same load as him these days).

I'm your age, and I'm single. There's a lot to be said for vibrators. A. LOT.
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Old 01-02-2013, 11:23 AM
 
15,013 posts, read 21,558,218 times
Reputation: 12334
When you keep rejecting someone sexually, eventually their fire/drive/passion dies because it's hurtful to them.

All you can do is work on getting that back with him. He also could be stressed or depressed. Good luck.
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Old 01-02-2013, 11:27 AM
 
Location: North of 60
1,452 posts, read 2,034,576 times
Reputation: 1864
This is why there's so many porn sites featuring bored stay-at-home-moms.
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Old 01-02-2013, 11:36 AM
 
Location: Northern Wisconsin
10,379 posts, read 10,836,279 times
Reputation: 18712
He's 35, not 25. Yes, you do slow down as you get older. He also works, that means more stress and fatigue for him. Get a job and you'd find out that you don't have quite the energy either. Could be he needs a change in routine to get his motor motivated. Maybe sexier clothes or nightgowns. Maybe some new positions? Getting in ruts and routines can cut libido also. Bottom line is, continue to love him. You sound like a great wife and that a lot of men would love to have. Keep in mind also, that different stages in life bring changes. When menopause hits, your libido might change again. Married life means both have to roll with the punches and adjust to changes that aging, children, jobs, etc bring. That means loving and supporting one another when the changes hit.
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Old 01-02-2013, 11:48 AM
 
4,761 posts, read 14,211,996 times
Reputation: 7954
Stress can wreck a guy's sex drive!

What is going on with his work?

Is he having to work long hours / weekends?

Or more responsibility with his new job? Management and a lot of problem employees maybe?

Some jobs can require working very excessive hours like 80 hours a week and are total home life wreckers. I don't see much point in that, no matter how much money you make!

Anyway I would suggest not asking for it - ever (that can place extra stress on him). Let him be the one to initiate it. Give him a break for 6 months and see if things improve. Maybe even tell him no a few times, that will get the sex drive working!

Also if he is having a difficult time at work, he needs your total support and understanding. He needs to come home to a low stress relaxing environment. Not come home to more problems.
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Old 01-02-2013, 11:49 AM
 
Location: Geauga County, Ohio
1,503 posts, read 1,849,015 times
Reputation: 1547
Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
Sounds like he's got a lot going on rather than lack of desire. It seems less like mismatched sex drives and more like mismatched workloads (not saying you don't work as a SAHM, but you're not pulling the same load as him these days).

I'm your age, and I'm single. There's a lot to be said for vibrators. A. LOT.
Oh, I have one of those..it takes the edge off and can be fun, but isn't the same.

AFAIK he rarely masturbates anymore either.
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Old 01-02-2013, 11:50 AM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,360 posts, read 8,355,056 times
Reputation: 8595
It's normal for women to have as high or higher a sex drive than their husbands, especially as the man gets older. Oftentimes it has nothing whatsoever to do with the guy having stress, being overweight or ill. My husband is a marathon runner with a low-stress career and healthy as a horse. After his or mid-30's, I always have had the higher sex drive. I hear the same from almost all my GF's who are married to men in their 40's. They almost all have the higher drive than their male partners. There's nothing newsworthy about this.

Of course you won't hear men admitting this, most (not all) will chime in, "Well, I'm 60 and I can still bang the bottom of it 14 times a night." Men usually won't admit their libido isn't what it was when they were 19, maybe they have forgotten their frame of reference. Look at it like this: how many 40 or 45 year old men are jerking off 6 times a day or having sex that often? Then reflect on how many 19 year olds are jerking off 6 times a day (answer: most).

Maybe that puts it into perspective.

For the OP: you have kids- they may very well be another reason he's not as into it. Kids, aging, real life wearing you down... it all adds up. Just get a vibrator and amuse yourself with that when he's not in the mood.
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