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IMO, best friends (of the opposite sex) are seldom good to live with, and rarely is there mutual sexual chemistry. So, I don't think it's a good idea to marry such a person, in most cases.
A spouse needs to be more than a friend - there must be compatibility in ways that friends don't need to have.
Marrying your best friend...Well, I did and 10 years into, this is my take. I/we allowed the friendship to become more the norm and let our sex lives go. I came onto City-data looking for an outlet/advice as I was having an affair and needed some clarity. And what I've discovered through this is that I do love my husband, but relationships take work. I think the best loving relationships begin and deep friendships.
After all, we've got some work to do in the sex department, but the friendship is as strong as ever.
I met my boyfriend through work four years ago, and we started out as friends. We just instantly got along very well and he was truly the best friend I have ever had. I was more comfortable around him than any man I'd ever been with. We fell in love and it was that whole sparks flying, rockets launching, amazing thing. The sex was incredible, and so was the friendship. It was just so natural. But I also ignored a lot of red flags.
I put up another thread here the other day about this guy - he has some intense personality issues. Everything I've read about borderline personality disorder.. that's him to a T. I've read that Cluster B personality disorders are the hardest to make work as far as relationships, and that became true for us. He had severe anxiety, anger, blowups over the littlest things, was needy and codependent, control freak, jealous, sexually addicted (like - for real - confirmed by professionals). And he had a small child that caused a number of issues/stress for us. Not only because I never wanted kids - though I liked his well enough - but we never had much alone time together. Also, kids that age are stressful. So you take someone who is a stressball and give them a little person whose daily life is all about testing boundaries - well, it was a very stressful and healthy situation for everyone. Walking on eggshells, all the time. He did a number of things over time that slowly eroded the sexual/relationship feelings I had for him, and I didn't/don't feel I could get it back. I didn't want the man anywhere near me sexually, and in the beginning we had the most intense sexual connection I've ever had.
So obviously you can see why I left the situation. But we still work together and still see each other and the problem is, that underneath all that crap... he is still my best friend! We have had lunches and stuff a couple times since we broke up, and it SUCKS because the friendship is still there, the inside jokes, the natural flowing conversation... that's all still there. The other stuff is not.
I'm dating someone else now that I really like a lot, though I am taking things slooowww. Their personalities are so different from each other, which on the one hand is GREAT, but the friendship part of it with the new guy is not the same. Of course, one could argue that it couldn't be at this point - I knew my ex 4 and a half years, and I've known this guy just a few months, right?
I've always heard you should marry your best friend. That after the sexual stuff dies down, that's what's left. The problem is that my ex couldn't handle things turning into a more stable, long-term relationship. We still had sex, though not as often obviously, and it wasn't enough or exciting for him. I made the mistake of allowing an open relationship (I didn't do anything, but I allowed him to) before I realized he was an actual sex addict, and THAT wasn't enough for him. He was very needy and always looking for signs of rejection, and once things start to calm down as they do in a long term relationship, he couldn't handle not having the constant reassurance. Stuff like that. Stuff he says he now recognizes is wrong and he is dealing with in therapy and changing.
So I'm torn. I do think you should be with your best friend.... but I don't know if that's really the best thing in this case.
I couldn't "marry" my best friend because I'm not gay.
After marrying my wonderful husband he grew to be my best friend.
I met my boyfriend through work four years ago, and we started out as friends. We just instantly got along very well and he was truly the best friend I have ever had. I was more comfortable around him than any man I'd ever been with. We fell in love and it was that whole sparks flying, rockets launching, amazing thing. The sex was incredible, and so was the friendship. It was just so natural. But I also ignored a lot of red flags.
I put up another thread here the other day about this guy - he has some intense personality issues. Everything I've read about borderline personality disorder.. that's him to a T. I've read that Cluster B personality disorders are the hardest to make work as far as relationships, and that became true for us. He had severe anxiety, anger, blowups over the littlest things, was needy and codependent, control freak, jealous, sexually addicted (like - for real - confirmed by professionals). And he had a small child that caused a number of issues/stress for us. Not only because I never wanted kids - though I liked his well enough - but we never had much alone time together. Also, kids that age are stressful. So you take someone who is a stressball and give them a little person whose daily life is all about testing boundaries - well, it was a very stressful and healthy situation for everyone. Walking on eggshells, all the time. He did a number of things over time that slowly eroded the sexual/relationship feelings I had for him, and I didn't/don't feel I could get it back. I didn't want the man anywhere near me sexually, and in the beginning we had the most intense sexual connection I've ever had.
So obviously you can see why I left the situation. But we still work together and still see each other and the problem is, that underneath all that crap... he is still my best friend! We have had lunches and stuff a couple times since we broke up, and it SUCKS because the friendship is still there, the inside jokes, the natural flowing conversation... that's all still there. The other stuff is not.
I'm dating someone else now that I really like a lot, though I am taking things slooowww. Their personalities are so different from each other, which on the one hand is GREAT, but the friendship part of it with the new guy is not the same. Of course, one could argue that it couldn't be at this point - I knew my ex 4 and a half years, and I've known this guy just a few months, right?
I've always heard you should marry your best friend. That after the sexual stuff dies down, that's what's left. The problem is that my ex couldn't handle things turning into a more stable, long-term relationship. We still had sex, though not as often obviously, and it wasn't enough or exciting for him. I made the mistake of allowing an open relationship (I didn't do anything, but I allowed him to) before I realized he was an actual sex addict, and THAT wasn't enough for him. He was very needy and always looking for signs of rejection, and once things start to calm down as they do in a long term relationship, he couldn't handle not having the constant reassurance. Stuff like that. Stuff he says he now recognizes is wrong and he is dealing with in therapy and changing.
So I'm torn. I do think you should be with your best friend.... but I don't know if that's really the best thing in this case.
There really is no cut and dry answer. I will say that there is usually a reason why people often go for romantic relationships from people that are different from people they would take as friends.
"Best friend" is only one of the 5 aspects of chemistry. Your potential partner needs to "pass" (not necessarily be a "10" in every category but pass) in all 5 categories. Apparently, your husband didn't pass in all 5.
It's explained well in this book. I wish it had been around when I was in high school. I think it should be required reading for anyone in high school:
I married my best friend from high school and he turned out to be gay. Now he won't even speak to me b/c he hates paying child support and I got an inheritance so he thinks he shouldn't have to pay anymore. So much for best friends. I was glad when it was over anyway b/c there never was enough sexual chemistry to keep me happy--nor him apparently!
My best friend is dumb as rocks! While I can imagine us being pretty good and lasting I would always feel like I would need more stimulation mentally. Still love her though!
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So much for best friends. I was glad when it was over anyway b/c there never was enough sexual chemistry to keep me happy--nor him apparently!
