Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
She needs to learn to let the little things slide a little, and not get all worked up over minor issues. What is her past relationship experience? She sounds like she could be relatively inexperienced in long term relationships, or maybe needy or controlling and unable to happily give a little on some things for the overall benefit of the relationship (and what I mean is compromise a little on minor issues, working with you).
I'm 2 months into a relationship with a woman I met online (she's 33, I'm 31) and everything has been going great. We get along really really well, our sex life is awesome, she lives only a couple miles from me so I spend almost every night at her place, and I've never laughed so hard in my life with someone.
She recently has been getting paranoid that things are going to end with us. Just recently we had a slight argument over nothing (I wouldn't even call it a fight) and she got really upset and shared with me that this is right around the time that her relationships typically have ended and she really likes me and doesn't want that to happen. Things have moved fast and I've been meaning to take some more private time to myself these next couple weeks but I assured her that has nothing to do with how I feel about her and I really like her and that it hasn't even crossed my mind to end our relationship. I see us together for a very long time. I told her all of this.
The other part of this is that my last breakup about 2 years ago was very very hard on me. I dated on and off a little bit but felt very emotionally numb. I wasn't feeling it with anyone and didn't even feel like dating. I met her and I'm happy and I care about her, but I still feel that numb feeling a little bit. Things have moved very fast with us so far and we've talked about the future a little bit (nothing serious) but I don't know if I feel as strongly about her as I have with past girlfriends. I'm wondering if it's because I'm just not as into HER, or if it's because I am the one with the problem connecting and feeling that emotional crazy-in-love feeling. I like everything about this girl and I've never had a girl treat me so well. I'm super attracted to her physically and to her intelligence, sense of humor, her lifestyle, everything about her is everything you want in a great woman. I just get that feeling still sometimes of carelessness.
What does any of this mean? How can I reassure her I'm not going to drop her? Is my random feelings of emotional numbness something I should be worried about or will it continue to fade with time?
You two are on two totally different paths right now, doesn't mean you won't intersect, but she's moved the relationship far faster (emotionally/commitment-wise) WAY faster than you have..
She sounds like she's already wanting to get married, and you on the other hand want to take a step back and take it slow.
She's moving full throttle and you're kinda pacing back. "Numbness" could be an indication of other things that you may not be aware of? I know that the more sexually intimate couples get, there is a down time where people need space to re-collect how they feel because lets face it, when our bodies feel physically good and our mind and hearts are kinda uncertain, takes time to figure out what's going on.
She's far too into the intensity, and I agree with the above poster that this is where the Real Work starts. Not every relationship will be perfect and spiffy. Get ready for some turbulation.
It's how couples learn to deal with conflict that determines their true compatibility. Over time, the anxiety you both feel will diffuse and de-escalate. The insight you two gain will be quite rewarding, possibly an indication of what true love really means when you two can rough it through. She's got all the pre-requisites you want.
Thank you for all the insightful posts. She is a very good communicator and it has been really fast so far...faster than I had intended but I also didn't try to slow it down. I feel like if I do try to take a step back now it will only freak her out more and I don't want to break up with her by any means, hasn't even crossed my mind.
She sees a therapist because her benefits are really good. I should look into what it would cost me with my insurance. I want to have that crazy roller coaster feeling but it's not there, and it's not that I just don't feel it with her, I don't really feel it with any of the girls I've dated since my last breakup. I think this is a good thing somewhat too because it lets me keep a more realistic perspective, and I feel like I can't really ever be "hurt that bad" ever again. Mostly because I spend the last couple years rebuilding my life so I would only depend on myself for happiness. This may not even be a problem, I want all the same things, I'm just not in la-la-land about it like I used to get in the past.
Thank you for all the insightful posts. She is a very good communicator and it has been really fast so far...faster than I had intended but I also didn't try to slow it down. I feel like if I do try to take a step back now it will only freak her out more and I don't want to break up with her by any means, hasn't even crossed my mind.
She sees a therapist because her benefits are really good. I should look into what it would cost me with my insurance. I want to have that crazy roller coaster feeling but it's not there, and it's not that I just don't feel it with her, I don't really feel it with any of the girls I've dated since my last breakup. I think this is a good thing somewhat too because it lets me keep a more realistic perspective, and I feel like I can't really ever be "hurt that bad" ever again. Mostly because I spend the last couple years rebuilding my life so I would only depend on myself for happiness. This may not even be a problem, I want all the same things, I'm just not in la-la-land about it like I used to get in the past.
If your GF is a good communicator, you should be able to talk about how it's going a little too quickly, and that a slower pace isn't backing away, but being more realistic, given that you don't know each other all that well after 2 months.
Not being in la-la-land can be a good thing, because the roller-coaster emotions can blind you to the reality of a situation. I didn't have the roller-coaster with my SO, and I feel that for me, it's the first time I've been in a truly healthy relationship. I feel very calm and contented with him, as opposed to giddy and all caught up in the moment.
What do you feel, if not the roller-coaster feelings?
Thank you for all the insightful posts. She is a very good communicator and it has been really fast so far...faster than I had intended but I also didn't try to slow it down. I feel like if I do try to take a step back now it will only freak her out more and I don't want to break up with her by any means, hasn't even crossed my mind.
She sees a therapist because her benefits are really good. I should look into what it would cost me with my insurance. I want to have that crazy roller coaster feeling but it's not there, and it's not that I just don't feel it with her, I don't really feel it with any of the girls I've dated since my last breakup. I think this is a good thing somewhat too because it lets me keep a more realistic perspective, and I feel like I can't really ever be "hurt that bad" ever again. Mostly because I spend the last couple years rebuilding my life so I would only depend on myself for happiness. This may not even be a problem, I want all the same things, I'm just not in la-la-land about it like I used to get in the past.
Sounds like you are well on your way towards a mature happy relationship! (sorry didn't mean to sound so senior-y on you)
I suspect you are still hurt or feeling numb from the past or you have blocked off something that your ex brought out in you, and am in favor of you exploring what the numbness means for you.
What do you feel, if not the roller-coaster feelings?
It's hard to describe. When I first started dating again I just never got very excited about the dates like I had in the past and sat on the fence about whether I even wanted to go. I would compare it to that feeling of going to your sister's dance recital. You don't really want to go and you'd much rather be doing something else.
The way I feel now is that I like her, she makes me happy, I appreciate how great of a person she is, and I'm physically attracted to her...I just don't have the rose-colored glasses over her. I feel indifferent to the "potential outcome" of our relationship....meaning I'm not indifferent to her, I care about her, I want to make her happy, but I sometimes feel like if it ended today I wouldn't be all that miserable about it. It sounds bad coming out of my mouth to say it that way, and it sounds like I don't care about her, but I do. I appreciate everything about her, I'm just not at that ga-ga stage like I've been with other girls in the past. And other girls that I felt that way over that broke it off with me ended up just crushing me...especially the last one.
I felt something was wrong with my SO and asked. He said nothing was wrong. That scenario played out a couple times. Then he told me that he "wanted some alone time". His "alone time" was with a female co-worker.
I can see her concern, but I also think that since you've only been seeing each other for a couple months, it's jumping the gun. Wondering what's going on with a person can be nothing, or it can be something big.
Last edited by metamorphosis; 01-22-2013 at 04:15 PM..
It's hard to describe. When I first started dating again I just never got very excited about the dates like I had in the past and sat on the fence about whether I even wanted to go. I would compare it to that feeling of going to your sister's dance recital. You don't really want to go and you'd much rather be doing something else.
The way I feel now is that I like her, she makes me happy, I appreciate how great of a person she is, and I'm physically attracted to her...I just don't have the rose-colored glasses over her. I feel indifferent to the "potential outcome" of our relationship....meaning I'm not indifferent to her, I care about her, I want to make her happy, but I sometimes feel like if it ended today I wouldn't be all that miserable about it. It sounds bad coming out of my mouth to say it that way, and it sounds like I don't care about her, but I do. I appreciate everything about her, I'm just not at that ga-ga stage like I've been with other girls in the past. And other girls that I felt that way over that broke it off with me ended up just crushing me...especially the last one.
Sounds like you're playing it safe by not investing too much in her.
I realized what a bad fit I was with my ex fiance when I met someone who made me crazy (in a good way). I couldn't imagine feeling that blah attraction again now that I know what it should really feel like. It's scary, but it's worth it.
I hate to put it this way, but imagine telling her what you've said here. Do you think she'd be ok with you feeling that way? Is it fair to her? She's likely picking up this vibe from you which is what makes her scared.
Sounds like you're playing it safe by not investing too much in her.
I'm not consciously trying to play it safe, I want to be all in. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone unless I can see long term and marriage potential. It wouldn't be worth my time. I definitely see long
Quote:
I realized what a bad fit I was with my ex fiance when I met someone who made me crazy (in a good way). I couldn't imagine feeling that blah attraction again now that I know what it should really feel like. It's scary, but it's worth it.
See for me it's been opposite. The women I was crazy about (even in a good way) were the women that crushed me, used me, lied to me, stood me up, made excuses that I bought into for their poor behavior. I feel like I have a healthy perspective on THIS relationship. I may not be super crazy in love after a month like I have in the past, but I see long term potential and I definitely care strongly for her and have strong attraction to her.
Quote:
I hate to put it this way, but imagine telling her what you've said here. Do you think she'd be ok with you feeling that way? Is it fair to her? She's likely picking up this vibe from you which is what makes her scared.
I have talked to her about this. It's caused her to ask more questions but I think she has a better understanding how I feel. I've told her that it really doesn't have anything to do with her, it's kind of something that only has to do with me. I told her I was considering seeing a therapist about it and she was cool with that.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
(sorry didn't mean to sound so senior-y on you)
