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A lot of people here are not defining "crush" in the right way, they're making it out to be more than it is. Having a crush on a colleague or another person is not making you "vulnerable." As I said, I have had several crushes on other men while married. I was never remotely vulnerable to sleeping with any of them. It was just thinking they were sexy, handsome or had a great personality. And who says you have to act "giddy" around them? I always told my husband about these crushes. I would just say, "Craig is the new department chairman and he is adorable." My husband isn't threatened. I'm not going out and sleeping with Craig, just thinking he's a handsome guy.
I think it's absurd to remotely suggest that anyone who has been married for years has NEVER found another person attractive. How can that be, unless you're living in a box? And being attracted to another person is utterly extraneous from "not being committed." Using that ridiculous logic, any man that checks out other women or jerks off over porn is "not committed" to their marriage. The suggestion is absurd.
Maybe it's you that is misinterpreting the word "crush"? What you're describing is finding someone attractive.
A crush is an attraction, chemistry, physiological reactions (elation, sweaty palms, heart racing) when in their presence. The OP is thinking about her crush when she hears a song on the radio, is thinking about him more often than she used to. By her own words, she's exhilarated from being around him. IMO that's entirely different than finding someone's appearance and/or personality attractive.
Those feelings can easily head down a dangerous road. Being in an LTR/marriage and finding someone else attractive, is completely separate from having an actual crush, IMO. YMMV.
One key concept to consider is something polyamorous people call "New Relationship Energy" (NRE). This is basically what you are experiencing as "having a crush." It can also be thought of as the feeling of falling in love (although only time will tell whether or not NRE will actually develop into long-term love.) One key thing to understand about NRE is that it virtually always wears off over time. This generally occurs over a period of 2 to 4 years, although in some cases it might be just a few months or it could take a whole decade or more. Polyamorous people love to be in love (the sort of long-term love you seem to feel for your boyfriend), but they also love NRE (the feeling of falling love with someone new). If you choose life-long monogamy, you need to be willing to give up on ever fully engaging in the feeling of NRE for the rest of your life. You will have crushes throughout your life, but to stay monogamous you must have the will power to never pursue these feelings beyond platonic friendship. For many people, even platonic friendship is not really an option where feelings of a crush are involved because it puts you at too much risk, and/or ultimately just makes you miserable.
Some people just can't stand the idea of never being able to fully pursue the possibilities of NRE. There are many reasons and various perspectives, but for polyamorous people, the key idea is that they simply don't believe that they should have one and only one lover. They simply see no need to discard a long-term lover in order to fully enjoy NRE. In the grips of NRE, you can't really tell whether this could lead to long-term love, so the poly person wants the freedom to explore NRE, both for the sheer joy of NRE itself, as well as for the possibility that it could turn into long-term love. They don't want to trade one love for another; they want to love all who they are capable of loving. Monogamy forces a "zero-sum game" - to gain something, you must lose something. Polyamory rejects the notion that love has to be a zero-sum game. It literally changes the rules of traditional romance.
Thank you for taking to the time to actually explain this concept.
I don't know if I'm a polyamorous person, but having never been married, I can certainly relate to the thrill of "NRE". I've definitely had numerous crushes on other people no matter who I'm dating, for how long, or how great they are or appear to be.
Yep, attraction to other humans is normal human biology. You don't stop being human just because you make a commitment. The whole point of monogamy/commitment is to indicate to each other that you won't act on these normal attractions. If attractions to other people didn't happen, there'd be no reason to declare commitment, because monogamy would be automatic.
Does this happen to married people or people in healthy relationships?
That is two questions in one. Yes, it happens to married people. I don't think it happens in healthy relationships. I think if you have a crush on someone else, then something is missing in your relationship.
I dunno. Ask my ex. I thought our relationship was good, healthy and unwavering. I wasn't aware of what was going on where he worked.
I have a boyfriend and we have been together for almost two years and we are very serious. We started out as friends a year before that. I also have developed a huge crush on an acquaintance. I always thought he was cute but recently I have been thinking about him out of no where.
I was listening to the radio on my way home from work and when a love song came on I thought about my crush immediately and not my boyfriend. I felt great thinking about him.
I have more in common with my crush but I love my boyfriend, he is my best friend and we have a similar sense of humor. We have talked about the future and he seems serious about me as I am about him.
But the other night I was with a group of friends and my crush and he was so fun to be with, I seriously hadn't had that much fun in a very long time. He isn't a flirt, he is just really nice to me and very intelligent. I arrived home feeling exhilarated.
I can't stop thinking of my crush. Is this normal? healthy? I want to see him again but I would never cheat.
Does this happen to married people or people in healthy relationships?
How should I handle this?
It sounds like your bored in your relationship. Without detail, I assume your boyfriend has become ultra beta, begging and pleading for sex, bending to your every will, and just generally acting unattractive. Maybe stopped hitting the gym too? Do him a favor and leave, don't drag it out.
This only happens in relationships where one party because annoying, boring, or otherwise unattractive. Yes, you may feel something now and then, but if you're still really into your partner, it fades quickly
Maybe it's you that is misinterpreting the word "crush"? What you're describing is finding someone attractive.
A crush is an attraction, chemistry, physiological reactions (elation, sweaty palms, heart racing) when in their presence. The OP is thinking about her crush when she hears a song on the radio, is thinking about him more often than she used to. By her own words, she's exhilarated from being around him. IMO that's entirely different than finding someone's appearance and/or personality attractive.
Those feelings can easily head down a dangerous road. Being in an LTR/marriage and finding someone else attractive, is completely separate from having an actual crush, IMO. YMMV.
I don't see how anyone who lives and functions in the world doesn't meet at least one or two people in their lives they wind up having a crush on.
I've been with my wife for 8 years. In those 8 years, I have met many attractive and interesting people. None of whom I have had the least bit interest in.
I have 'crushed on' ONE person. It had nothing to do with my happiness or anything else. Just you will meet people...I mean, how did you meet your spouse? Divine intervention that leads you to the only person on the face of the planet that touches you in any way? Malarkey.
And now I see this 'crush' all the time, I don't feel that way anymore (all I had to do was remind myself about the green grass - not that I was comparing the two of them), and everyone is great friends.
A lot of people here are not defining "crush" in the right way, they're making it out to be more than it is. Having a crush on a colleague or another person is not making you "vulnerable." As I said, I have had several crushes on other men while married. I was never remotely vulnerable to sleeping with any of them. It was just thinking they were sexy, handsome or had a great personality. And who says you have to act "giddy" around them? I always told my husband about these crushes. I would just say, "Craig is the new department chairman and he is adorable." My husband isn't threatened. I'm not going out and sleeping with Craig, just thinking he's a handsome guy.
I think it's you not defining it right. The term "crush" implies an obsessive level of attraction where it's all you can think about. Acting or feeling giddy around them is the essence of a crush. You can only crush on one person at a time.
What you describe is merely recognizing someone as attractive. You can recognize many people in your life as attractive or interesting.
I think it's you not defining it right. The term "crush" implies an obsessive level of attraction where it's all you can think about. Acting or feeling giddy around them is the essence of a crush. You can only crush on one person at a time.
What you describe is merely recognizing someone as attractive. You can recognize many people in your life as attractive or interesting.
What you're describing as a crush is way more intense than what I would consider a crush. To me, a crush is a silly little thing where you enjoy seeing and talking to the person, and you think they're cute, but you acknowledge that nothing can or should come of it. It's harmless, not obsessive.
What you're describing as a crush is way more intense than what I would consider a crush. To me, a crush is a silly little thing where you enjoy seeing and talking to the person, and you think they're cute, but you acknowledge that nothing can or should come of it. It's harmless, not obsessive.
Yes.
Crush is supposed to be sweet, silly, butterflies...not stalky stalkerson obsession.
What you're describing as a crush is way more intense than what I would consider a crush. To me, a crush is a silly little thing where you enjoy seeing and talking to the person, and you think they're cute, but you acknowledge that nothing can or should come of it. It's harmless, not obsessive.
Which is not what the OP has explicitly and carefully described, viz:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Micio
I ... have developed a huge crush on an acquaintance. I always thought he was cute but recently I have been thinking about him out of no where.
I was listening to the radio on my way home from work and when a love song came on I thought about my crush immediately and not my boyfriend. I felt great thinking about him.
I have more in common with my crush but I love my boyfriend ...
But the other night I was with a group of friends and my crush and he was so fun to be with, I seriously hadn't had that much fun in a very long time. He isn't a flirt, he is just really nice to me and very intelligent. I arrived home feeling exhilarated.
I can't stop thinking of my crush.
Doesn't sound to me like just a "silly little thing" at all.
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