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Old 01-25-2013, 02:34 PM
 
479 posts, read 1,338,609 times
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I'm in a great relationship with only one minor complaint: my girlfriend will mention her exes from time to time and sometimes mention things that make me feel uncomfortable, such as gifts they exchanged and some of the physical aspects of their relationship. Considering that she and I took each other's virginity, we have known each other more intimately than anyone else, which one would think would eliminate jealousy in that sense. I have told her that it makes me uncomfortable and upsets me when she mentions exes like this and she said she doesn't mean to, but that it's a habit, and she continues to do it. Is it normal to feel this way, or is it being unreasonably jealous? Do you feel uncomfortable at the mention of your S.O.'s exes too?
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Old 01-25-2013, 02:38 PM
 
Location: Australia
4,004 posts, read 5,976,557 times
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It depends.

If you're say, looking at shoes and she says "no don't buy those, my ex had some like that", it's fine and normal as she has a past like we all do and it's no big deal.

If you're looking at shoes and she says "buy these, they're just like Fred's" then you've got a problem.

If she goes into a diatribe about Fred's choice of footwear, clothing, what he said about her new shoes etc , then you've also got a problem.
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Old 01-25-2013, 02:41 PM
 
15,019 posts, read 20,430,366 times
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It's habit for some people. A bad one if you ask me but with your help she will learn.
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Old 01-25-2013, 02:42 PM
 
28,899 posts, read 51,575,495 times
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Is it all the time? Or is it an occasional mention? I mean, my wife broke off an engagement right before she met me. Occasionally, every few months or so, she'll mention her ex, and I just don't care. After all, she's with me, not him.
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Old 01-25-2013, 02:45 PM
 
Location: Keosauqua, Iowa
9,495 posts, read 19,786,294 times
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I agree, it depends on the context. Seems like sharing details about her intimate relationships is a little much; the thing about the gifts depends, if it seems like she's trying to set the bar at a certain level it might be a form of subtle manipulation.

Bottom line, she had a life before she met you and obviously there were times when someone else was in it, you can't really accept her fully and expect her to ignore the fact that that part of her life happened.
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Old 01-25-2013, 02:46 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,928 posts, read 54,939,232 times
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Exes are part of your life, and they are exes.

It sounds like she is looking at you as a best friend as well as SO, someone she can share everything with.

I would be more worried if she were hiding stuff from you.

Ideally you would be confident enough about your self and your relationship that you can listen KNOWING she is content and not comparing you.

My husband and I still mention exes from time to time, even after 22 years. It's part of who we are, and we've made it part of our history.
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Old 01-25-2013, 02:46 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
96,999 posts, read 94,904,308 times
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If she fails to check her habit out of consideration for you, then .... what can I say? It doesn't say much for her concern for your feelings. She makes it sound as if it's out of her control, which isn't true, of course.
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Old 01-25-2013, 02:47 PM
 
Location: NY
9,131 posts, read 18,389,820 times
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Depends on a lot of specifics. In general, there should not be much talk of an ex IMO.

On the flip side, if it is only occasional or innocent, or if she had a bad relationship and needs to vent as part of the healing process, try not to take it as offensive either.

My wife had a very bad marriage, and has told me over the years nearly everything of her story. It was her way of venting, healing, and getting beyond it. I was comfortable with that because I knew where her heart was, and it honestly gave me insight into who she was, and how she has grown as a person from the experience. Not that I "enjoy" the storeis or anything, but see how she has made a positive out of such a negative, and grown as a person.
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Old 01-25-2013, 02:47 PM
 
Location: Australia
4,004 posts, read 5,976,557 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sidburn View Post
I'm in a great relationship with only one minor complaint: my girlfriend will mention her exes from time to time and sometimes mention things that make me feel uncomfortable, such as gifts they exchanged and some of the physical aspects of their relationship. Considering that she and I took each other's virginity, we have known each other more intimately than anyone else, which one would think would eliminate jealousy in that sense. I have told her that it makes me uncomfortable and upsets me when she mentions exes like this and she said she doesn't mean to, but that it's a habit, and she continues to do it. Is it normal to feel this way, or is it being unreasonably jealous? Do you feel uncomfortable at the mention of your S.O.'s exes too?
^^^so why doesn't it?

Are you a jealous person? In which case, that's your problem, not hers.
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Old 01-25-2013, 02:52 PM
 
Location: Davenport, Iowa
2,467 posts, read 4,027,371 times
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I don't have a problem with it. My girlfriend and I have exes and it's not like they stopped existing or all memories were erased when the break ups happened.

If something your girlfriend says bothers you, just let her know right there.
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