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Old 01-26-2013, 02:08 PM
 
Location: Sugarland
11,589 posts, read 9,690,764 times
Reputation: 11876

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Recently, I met a guy online who listed his status as single, but as it turns out he is actually married but separated from his wife. They don't have any children, have been living apart for a little over 6 months, and in my state, a 12 month separation is necessary before a divorce can be granted. So anyways, I just met the guy and there has been no physical contact between us, but I do have some concerns about potentially getting involved with someone who's still legally married. What would your personal limits be in this situation? No sex until he/she is officially divorced? No dating/seeing each other at all? He says there's no chance of reconciliation, but that's what they all say, right? Then of course, I've heard stories about men lying about being separated while actually still with their wives and the wives have no idea. Do I need to request to actually see the divorce papers at some point?
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Old 01-26-2013, 02:10 PM
 
28,906 posts, read 41,769,785 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar View Post
Recently, I met a guy online who listed his status as single, but as it turns out he is actually married but separated from his wife. They don't have any children, have been living apart for a little over 6 months, and in my state, a 12 month separation is necessary before a divorce can be granted. So anyways, I just met the guy and there has been no physical contact between us, but I do have some concerns about potentially getting involved with someone who's still legally married. What would your personal limits be in this situation? No sex until he/she is officially divorced? No dating/seeing each other at all? He says there's no chance of reconciliation, but that's what they all say, right? Then of course, I've heard stories about men lying about being separated while actually still with their wives and the wives have no idea. Do I need to request to actually see the divorce papers at some point?
Back off. When he is officially divorced, then fine. But that "I'm in the process of getting divorced" is the oldest wheeze in the book.
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Old 01-26-2013, 02:13 PM
 
13,089 posts, read 10,980,512 times
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My approach has been friendly, discreet dating is ok during a separation (as long as he is living completely apart from the stbx), but no intimacy or sex until the divorce is final. Less messy that way.

In my experience, wives often feel they continue to have a claim on the time and movements of the husband during the separation but prior to the divorce. Believe me, that is something you don't want to get in the middle of.
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Old 01-26-2013, 02:18 PM
 
1,325 posts, read 1,408,324 times
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You should probably do no more than be a friend, hang out, and see where it goes. You will get all the other answers to your questions over time, including whether he is really emotionally available for you or another relationship. Speaking as the guy in your scenario, he will need 1-2years to emotionally recover to where he wants another committed relationship (despite what he believes right now, which is more likely an emotional diversion), and may include a couple of rebound gf experiences to get there if wife is truly part of his past. good luck
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Old 01-26-2013, 02:18 PM
 
12,308 posts, read 14,276,801 times
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Tell him you can still hang out but will only be his friend until the divorce is final, then you can start dating.
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Old 01-26-2013, 02:23 PM
 
Location: Greenbelt, MD
8,025 posts, read 5,261,819 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar View Post
Recently, I met a guy online who listed his status as single, but as it turns out he is actually married but separated from his wife. They don't have any children, have been living apart for a little over 6 months, and in my state, a 12 month separation is necessary before a divorce can be granted. So anyways, I just met the guy and there has been no physical contact between us, but I do have some concerns about potentially getting involved with someone who's still legally married. What would your personal limits be in this situation? No sex until he/she is officially divorced? No dating/seeing each other at all? He says there's no chance of reconciliation, but that's what they all say, right? Then of course, I've heard stories about men lying about being separated while actually still with their wives and the wives have no idea. Do I need to request to actually see the divorce papers at some point?
If he lies about his status he will lie again about something else. He is not single.

If he (but reverse for me) was truthful and the marriage is over I wouldn't have a problem with it.
I assume "separated" was an option? You decide if you want to date a liar. The decision would be easy for me.
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Old 01-26-2013, 02:27 PM
 
Location: Sugarland
11,589 posts, read 9,690,764 times
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Originally Posted by srjth View Post
Tell him you can still hang out but will only be his friend until the divorce is final, then you can start dating.
I can easily go months without having sex, but I'm not sure I can just "hang out" regularly with someone I'm attracted to without even kissing them. I've only ever been platonic friends with men who I didn't find attractive.
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Old 01-26-2013, 02:29 PM
 
28,906 posts, read 41,769,785 times
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Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar View Post
I can easily go months without having sex, but I'm not sure I can just "hang out" regularly with someone I'm attracted to without even kissing them. I've only ever been platonic friends with men who I didn't find attractive.
Just tell him to circle back when the divorce comes through. And not a second before. Testifying at his divorce trial would likely not be very fun at all.
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Old 01-26-2013, 02:29 PM
 
Location: Tri-State Area
2,936 posts, read 4,679,127 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar View Post
I can easily go months without having sex, but I'm not sure I can just "hang out" regularly with someone I'm attracted to without even kissing them. I've only ever been platonic friends with men who I didn't find attractive.
Tell him to give you a call when he is officially divorced (and can show you the decree). If he's interested, he'll give you a call in 5 1/2 months. Until then, save yourself the heartache and find someone else in the ocean.
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Old 01-26-2013, 03:06 PM
 
Location: Sugarland
11,589 posts, read 9,690,764 times
Reputation: 11876
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Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
Just tell him to circle back when the divorce comes through. And not a second before. Testifying at his divorce trial would likely not be very fun at all.
Does this actually happen often?
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