Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I went over and fixed the internet at our home this evening while she was at work. She called just as I was about to leave, and we talked for awhile. She was very happy that I had fixed the internet, and thanked me repeatedly. She started to say "I love you" but caught herself and saved it by smooching in the phone. I said "Well i can say it... I LOVE YOU!" and she started laughing. She wants to give me a hug, so I'm going over to smoke a cig with her before I go to work here in a min...
anyways, She's a walking contradiction. I can't figure it out.
Well I went over and smoked with her before I went to work. It was actually a fairly positive visit.
We gave eachother big hugs and went out for a smoke. We talked about our relationship, and she said it felt like I was never happy in our marriage. I told this is the farthest thing from the truth, that I was extremely happy with her and in our marriage, but I did get grumpy and moody at the little things that happened outside our relationship. I'd bring attitude home from work, for example, and occasionally vent on my wife. This is ok to an extent, but I tried to curb it as much as possible because it can lead to aggression at home (much like my father used to do, vent rant and rage about work).
One thing she said was that when her mother came out to visit, no one had a good time because of me. She said she gets to see her mother once a year, and that this year it was ruined because of me. Ok, ill take full responsibility for it, even though her mother was a jerk off also, she wont want to admit her mother's fault in anything. She said "I will always love my mother, and Ill always want to be closer to her" (in proximity)... hinting at my reluctance to move.
She said that I am very sweet and happy right now, but she fears that I will revert back into old habits if we do get back together... I told her that I cannot make any promises, but I am and will continue to work my ass off to make sure I dont make the same mistakes again. I am willing to change, I am changing as we speak. I had to get kicked out of my shell for me to see what I was doing wrong. Now that I know, I will make sure I do not do those things again.
I said she would have to forgive me, and to trust me again, and that it will take time - but I will not give up.
All she could say was "I wish it were that simple"....
She's battling her head too much right now. All those 'what-if' thoughts and her emotional defenses are construing what she is really feeling, and I can obviously see that she does still love me, but she's scared and hurt and fearful.
Anyways, we are making progress... I can see periods where her defenses come down partially, enough for her to slip up and say (or almost say) something heartfelt to me. I know what I need to change. Now it's up to her to give me a second chance.
Honestly, to anyone who is still following this thread, are my wife's complaints really something to end our marriage over? Do I not get a second chance with issues like these? Is she just too young, too immature to be able to give me a second chance?
I may be giving you a rosey picture of the story from my point of view, im trying to be as honest as possible. I was a jerk when her mom came out. I was a grumpy old-man like jackass during some days in our marriage.
Ummmm, well lessee. You're ALREADY MARRIED. It IS that simple.
"What if"???
Well if someone's on the fence my thought would be it's easier to try maintaining the status quo than to make a sweeping change only to find out you were wrong.
She makes very little sense in her logic..... But then she's a woman....
"I may be giving you a rosey picture of the story from my point of view, im trying to be as honest as possible. I was a jerk when her mom came out. I was a grumpy old-man like jackass during some days in our marriage."
You work shift work, I remember you work nights. maybe you could find a day job, you see, I've worked shift work for over 30 years and sometimes grumpy goes along with it.
Second, you appear to be doing everything you can do to make this work. Time will tell if she will reciprocate.
Third, you can't buy someone's love with good deeds. She either loves you for who you are or she doesn't. If she does, great! If she doesn't, there's someone out there that will.
Especially when there are kids in the house running and screaming and your trying to sleep. I know the feeling. I worked midnight to noon for years. Try to find a way to vent your stress before you get home. Stop and have a beer. Take a walk. Go fishing for an hour. Anything to get your mind off work. Eat right, drink plenty of water, and get plenty of rest. If the job is causing problems consider a change. You should be going home and enjoying seeing your wife. Not venting on her about work.
Especially when there are kids in the house running and screaming and your trying to sleep. I know the feeling. I worked midnight to noon for years. Try to find a way to vent your stress before you get home. Stop and have a beer. Take a walk. Go fishing for an hour. Anything to get your mind off work. Eat right, drink plenty of water, and get plenty of rest. If the job is causing problems consider a change. You should be going home and enjoying seeing your wife. Not venting on her about work.
Good advice. Even as a single mother, I had to find a way to unwind before coming home to my kids. Ya gotta let it go.
Honestly, to anyone who is still following this thread, are my wife's complaints really something to end our marriage over? Do I not get a second chance with issues like these? Is she just too young, too immature to be able to give me a second chance?
I may be giving you a rosey picture of the story from my point of view, im trying to be as honest as possible. I was a jerk when her mom came out. I was a grumpy old-man like jackass during some days in our marriage.
anyways, wish me luck. Ill see you guys l8r.
It sounds as though you both see things in black and white. With maturity comes that ability to see the greys. You are both young and will evolve a great deal over the next few years. It appears doubtful that your marriage will succeed, but I understand that you have to give it your best shot to eliminate the "what ifs".
Location: Official Missourian-Pray for the Natives
382 posts, read 1,068,833 times
Reputation: 381
Can you stand more input.....
Lost,
After reading your comments, between the lines as well, I suspect your wife suffers from past abuse. Her unwillingness to seek therapy, is normal for most victims of abuse as many are made to feel responsible, or the cause, by most abusers. I suggest, as a condition of reconciliation, she see a therapist. One-on-one sessions to begin with and then transit into couples counseling. During the one-on-one sessions she can face, and hopefully overcome, her demons. Part of the healing process is facing fears so one may conquer them.
If she does cares for you and your marriage, she should be willing to seek help. If not, the circle of abuse will never be broken. If she should become a parent, the baggage she carries will be inflicted, most likely unintentionally, upon future children. Not that she will in turn be abusive to her children, but that she will be constantly dealing with her own insecurities thereby not providing a stable environment for her children. She must be strong and brave enough to want to break the cycle - for friends, for family, for you, for herself, for your marriage, for your future children.
You, my friend, are also being manipulated into her world. She is unbalanced and therefore keeping you off center. She wants you to be her security blanket, so she keeps you close. She wants you to be as insecure as she so she makes you feel as helpless and frightened as she feels. She also is fearful of you because you waffle, run hot and cold, thereby not providing the stability she desperately needs. Henceforth, my opinion of you standing your ground. By playing her game, you are proving to be a liability instead of an asset. Another thing, counseling will also address why you feel you should be subjected to this type of treatment. Maybe there are some skeletons in your own closet that need to be explored as well.
I see too many red flags in your summation of your wife’s personality to be comfortable, for you, in not seeking counseling. You have become a co-dependent and are enabling her to continue on this destructive course.
Again, I am just presenting my views. It is up to you to reflect on the wealth of opinions, advice, and support so many on this forum are providing to you and then determine in which direction you should proceed.
As with others, I wish you and your wife the very best and sincerely hope you both find your way into a healthy marriage. Keep us all posted on your progress, sweetie.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Can you stand more input.....
