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Good points but she may end up with Mr. Nobody? Lifes a crapshoot and their situation is fairly common these days.
And I see your point. However, I think that what the rest of us are concerned with is that he wanted to have a "talk" with right away about how he thought she wasn't "the one" for him. And that knocks her down to being his FWB of the moment until he finds that woman that makes his heart beat faster... and that crush feeling that he is still seeking AND isn't feeling for the OP is a feeling that he will find sooner or later, and the OP is going to be dumped by him.
For the OP's guy, he's just not feeling sparks of sexual attraction for her and only have been dating for a short time. So it's not that his "love" has lessened for her, but it's not there at all. And as a man, isn't it true that if it's not there to begin with, it's not going to develop later on?
Anyway, the OP is in her mid-40's, not her mid-20's or mid-30's. And I think that she should keep looking for a man that is into her more, rather than settling for this FWB situation. Otherwise, if she waits until her current guy dumps her for another woman, it's going to be more difficult for her to find a love match.
I'd say use caution. This situation seems risky. Now that he's given you his terms, you don't want to find yourself in the passenger seat. Sometimes when someone is up front about not wanting something long-term or being serious, they think that lets them off the hook if the other person gets hurt down the road. You're already questioning his actions, which you say are like someone who actually does want a relationship. If this continues and you get caught up in how he's treating you and you start falling for him, he'll totally pick up on that - trust me. But, will he end it cuz you're not the one and he wants to spare your feelings sooner rather than later? Or will he continue to lead you on for the sex and because "you knew the situation from the beginning?"
If this guy is taking you to view restaurants in Manhattan, nifty restaurants in the Hamptons, and even tolerates your kids, and you have little in the way of a conscience, then keep milking him. If you're already decided he's not "the one," then you need to cut him loose. Many people here, on various threads, indicate that, if someone is NOT "the one," they will NEVER become "the one."
If this guy is taking you to view restaurants in Manhattan, nifty restaurants in the Hamptons, and even tolerates your kids, and you have little in the way of a conscience, then keep milking him. If you're already decided he's not "the one," then you need to cut him loose. Many people here, on various threads, indicate that, if someone is NOT "the one," they will NEVER become "the one."
I'm not "milking him" as he is the one who said I'm not the one for him and I'm not promising him anything with the intention of having him keep taking me out. Our dates are certainly not even close to extravagant (I said he plans romantic dates, not expensive--huge difference!).
For all--thanks for taking the time to reply. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about the situation, but some of you have made excellent points and given me food for thought.
Good points but she may end up with Mr. Nobody? Lifes a crapshoot and their situation is fairly common these days.
I think that's the chance you take in life. It seems some here are alluding to the fact that they're both in their 40s, divorced, and have kids, so they should just settle for each other because who else would want them.
Someone who told me, that I wasn't "the one", that would be the end of it. I don't need sex so badly that I'd settle for being a time and space filler for a guy who is still searching for someone else.
If you can afford the time and it's enjoyable and you *can* emotionally detach, as well as pursue other eligible men (dating), then it's your life - as you wish.
There is an issue with him, however, and how he views you...flatly stating you're not "the one" is pretty unnecessary; it's almost like he's viewing you as second-best and then feeling that it's OK to tell you that.
No stranger to the variances of men and plenty of dating in my life, I personally would distance myself. Lessen the amount of time you spend with him and thinking about it, because it clearly has no future. All in all, while that could change, why waste your imagination on someone who thinks it's OK to risk hurting your feelings by saying what he said?
Maybe he was trying to be honest, but it sure seems like he is clearing his conscience for any later accusations of you saying he led you on
I've had the occassional FWB but none of those men led me on but nor did they feel the need to tell me why they didn't want to pursue a relationship. Cards were on the table from the beginning and they end (it's impossible to maintain for any length of time, for me) so no one was hurt. Like I said, all in what you can handle.
I'm sensing this dating ritual is his way of getting to know women and it could very well be this is his M.O. - he probably has more than just you who aren't "the one" and are OK with sleeping with him, so like I said, if you can accept being on his rotation of available sex partners, go for it. Live & let live, but I wouldn't advise it.
Ignore all the idealists here who think that the end goal of every date is a long term commitment and that you are better off being miserably alone now in the hopes that somebody you will find The One.
Sounds like you two are enjoying life in the moment. You may wake up one day and realize you are 75 and have been living in the moment for the past 30 years.
Ignore all the idealists here who think that the end goal of every date is a long term commitment and that you are better off being miserably alone now in the hopes that somebody you will find The One.
Sounds like you two are enjoying life in the moment. You may wake up one day and realize you are 75 and have been living in the moment for the past 30 years.
Thank you! I'm not looking to get remarried anytime soon (maybe never) and just having someone that I like to spend time with is enough for the time being.
Some people have expressed the opinion that he is out there seeing many other women and that I am just one in a string of many. While one can never be sure what someone is out there doing when you're not around, I truly do not believe that is the case here. We see each other several nights a week and every weekend night when we don't have our kids (we are on the same custody schedule). He was married for 20 years, just got out of a two year relationship and is not a "player" or serial dater type of guy. I also have friends that have worked with him for over 10 years and they have said he is a great guy. I just felt the need to stick up for him a bit!
Anyway--I'm still thinking about the situation but am leaning toward just taking things day by day and seeing how things go. If my feelings start to change in either direction, I'll talk to him about about and figure it out from there.
Hard decision. I think maybe walk away. Unless you aren't looking for the one.
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Depends on what you want
