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Old 02-03-2013, 08:59 AM
 
4 posts, read 3,393 times
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Usually when a girl is abused, I heard she more likely gets involved into an abusive relationship (esp. one similar to her abusive father or another male figure), cheats, seeks unstabled relationships or feels disgusted at the thought of hurting another human being. Our father was very abusive just like his father was and it took years for our mother to divorced him but ever since then my sister had deep anger towards male figures. These were her exact words she told me one day ''I will control him before he controls me, I'm not like our mother who let him get away with it''.

Can this also have a different (opposite) effect in a girl like it did to my younger sister? She started being very mean to her husband a couple months after marrying him. List of things that I heard and saw her doing:
1) Screams at him and tells him he is the worst lover
2) She got in the driver's sit and just drove away, leaving him behind and was laughing. She told me he deserves it.
3) Throws objects whenever she's in a terrible mood and basically tries to control his moves, how much money he's making, his schedule
4) A couple times I saw her backing him against a wall and screaming in his face at the top of her lungs
5) I have a feeling she hits him too (once time I briefly saw him with a red mark on his face as if someone slapped him hard).

It's like I was seeing my father again whenever he would get upset or come drunk but in female version. The only thing her husband refuses is having kids with her. They've been now married for 3 years.

A little background about her: She used to get in some fights during her school years, mediocre grades and started having sex at the age of 16. She moved out of the house after her high school graduation and I honestly didn't know this was happening till I happened to visit them one day, as well as she telling me herself.

Last edited by Siuljy; 02-03-2013 at 09:12 AM..
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Old 02-03-2013, 09:03 AM
 
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Why did it had this awful effect on her? I'm a woman too but would never treat someone I love poorly. Her husband doesn't deserve this and it's like she's taking it out on him.

I also think she does feels some level of guilt. She once told me that at times she does feels bad but can't stop. And yes, she still hates our father and wishes he was dead.
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Old 02-03-2013, 09:11 AM
 
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Yep. Women can become abusers. In this case, it sounds like a learned behavior. she knows it's wrong, but she also probasbly sees it as the most effective way to get what she wants and express herself.

I used to live with a former biker who one day when we were talking about what we liked about each other (we were still in sappy stupid love at that point) added it was nice when we were arguing that I didn't hit him. I said "what on earth are you talking about?" He said his ex-wife had always used to hit him when they were arguing. I explained that even though he was a man, yes, in fact, he had been the victim of domestic violence. I think he thought that because she was smaller than him and she didn't break any bones or anything like that, it wasn't a big deal.

You should reach out to the husband and encourage him to leave her, for both of their sakes and for the sakes of any children that could result from such a disastrous union. Then get her to a therapist.
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Old 02-03-2013, 09:27 AM
 
Location: Glasgow, uk
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I think your sister needs some help her behaviour is pretty bad. I'm shocked her husband is putting up with that.

Some of us who are abused as children or young adults turn out fine, a little soft hearted and afraid of hurting others and maybe some trust issues but not abusive.

Last edited by Elained10; 02-03-2013 at 10:33 AM..
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Old 02-03-2013, 09:36 AM
 
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by Elained10 View Post
I think your sister needs some help her behaviour is pretty bad. I'm shocked her husband is putting up to with that.

Some of us who are abused as children or young adults turn out fine, a little soft hearted and afraid of hurting others and maybe some trust issues but not abusive.
Elained10, Touche', that would be the the response in the majority of the people out, I hope at least. To some they learn from the experience and they can grow from it. To others they grow sheltered, negative, suspicious and opinionated. Those are the ones that stand out here. It's a self fullfilling prophecy to the people that have the negative view point. You radiate negativity, you attract negativity. Same thing with a positive outlook.
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Old 02-03-2013, 09:46 AM
 
Location: FL
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Siuljy View Post
Why did it had this awful effect on her? I'm a woman too but would never treat someone I love poorly. Her husband doesn't deserve this and it's like she's taking it out on him.

I also think she does feels some level of guilt. She once told me that at times she does feels bad but can't stop. And yes, she still hates our father and wishes he was dead.
Probably because it's easier to keep doing what she's doing and blame shift rather than put the effort and time in getting help. This is just going to get worse and it's only a matter of time when she seriously hurts him. Get her in some counseling or therapy, immedietely. She can do it that way or if it continues it will likely become a legal matter and they'll make her do it anyhow.
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Old 02-03-2013, 10:36 AM
 
Location: Glasgow, uk
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Originally Posted by LS Jaun View Post
Elained10, Touche', that would be the the response in the majority of the people out, I hope at least. To some they learn from the experience and they can grow from it. To others they grow sheltered, negative, suspicious and opinionated. Those are the ones that stand out here. It's a self fullfilling prophecy to the people that have the negative view point. You radiate negativity, you attract negativity. Same thing with a positive outlook.
Thank you. I do believe that if you are in a bad relationship you are more cautious of your actions towards others as you do not wish to inflict the same hurt that you experienced on someone else.
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Old 02-03-2013, 10:58 AM
 
Location: Fredericksburg, VA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Siuljy View Post
1) Screams at him and tells him he is the worst lover
2) She got in the driver's sit and just drove away, leaving him behind and was laughing. She told me he deserves it.
3) Throws objects whenever she's in a terrible mood and basically tries to control his moves, how much money he's making, his schedule
4) A couple times I saw her backing him against a wall and screaming in his face at the top of her lungs
5) I have a feeling she hits him too (once time I briefly saw him with a red mark on his face as if someone slapped him hard).
This list is eerily close to how a girlfriend I once had treated me. I am not sure if her father ever abused her, though I do know that a couple of her boyfriends that came before me did. "Volatile" is the only word I can use to describe this girl. She assaulted me on a few different occasions, as well as threw stuff at me like dishes and stuff, destroyed my apartment on two different occasions, and even on one occasion attacked me with a kitchen knife. I never considered myself a victim, but looking back I really do wonder why I stayed with her for so long.

A neighbor once called the police on us in the middle of one of her tantrums. I didn't know it but had already left the apartment and was downstairs sitting in the lobby alone when the police arrived. I had a big cut on my head and my face was red from where she had hit me. The officer asked my apartment number and informed me that the neighbors had called them. It was a good thing for me that I had left the apartment when I did because it showed restraint and control on my part. Normally the police will arrest both parties if it's his word verses hers. But they declined to arrest either of us unless I requested that they cuff her and take her out. Stupidly, I declined.

There is often not a logical reason for why the victims of abuse stay with their abusers. I think you should talk to your sister and let her know that she has become what she despises. Abusers rarely check themselves and restrain themselves of their own cognizance. They have to be restrained by the authorities. Maybe you can help your sister (and her husband) before it reaches this point.
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Old 02-03-2013, 11:07 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
24,671 posts, read 54,560,077 times
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Originally Posted by Elained10 View Post
Thank you. I do believe that if you are in a bad relationship you are more cautious of your actions towards others as you do not wish to inflict the same hurt that you experienced on someone else.
This is a common response and, logically, makes sense. But the emotional scars of experiencing childhood abuse either directly or indirectly are very deeply entrenched. As much as an adult can recognize that the abuse they either experienced or witnessed as a child is something that they would never inflict on someone else, all the rationalization and intellect disappears when a certain trigger is pulled.

In this case, the woman who's the subject of this thread has very deep-rooted issues which can only be understood and resolved through intensive therapy with the right therapist (and finding the right therapist often takes quite a while).
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Old 02-03-2013, 11:14 AM
 
Location: Glasgow, uk
2,398 posts, read 2,603,401 times
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Originally Posted by STT Resident View Post
This is a common response and, logically, makes sense. But the emotional scars of experiencing childhood abuse either directly or indirectly are very deeply entrenched. As much as an adult can recognize that the abuse they either experienced or witnessed as a child is something that they would never inflict on someone else, all the rationalization and intellect disappears when a certain trigger is pulled.

In this case, the woman who's the subject of this thread has very deep-rooted issues which can only be understood and resolved through intensive therapy with the right therapist (and finding the right therapist often takes quite a while).
I understand through personal experience. My point is based on my own experiences that not all victims became abusers although I understand it is possible. I personally couldn't do to someone what was done to me the guilt would eat me alive. Therapist don't always work either
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