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A. Let's say the husband did not have sexual intercourse or any kind of sexual relationship wtih this woman, can you tolerate and let go of the emotional betrayal? If you think there is a possiblity, then counseling might help.
B. Let's say your husband will never change his ways (blaming others for his problem) Can you see beyond his issue and accept the fact that this is the husband you married to?
C. reevaluate what you need from this marriage, if it is worth fighting for, stay, if not, leave
All the above are easier said than done, I wish you all the best luck in the world
((( hugs moms3)))
p.s. I understand how difficult inlaw problem can be. My grandmother is a very loving woman and I loveher to death. But she did not get along with my uncle's wife. They have a son who has epilepsy. My grandmother always makes hurtful remarks like "My family never had any problem, that woman (my uncle's wife) has some abnormal genes in her side of the family." My grandmother is ignorant, hurtful, disrespectful. Although my uncle and we all love her, we know she is talking out of her ass and won't blame my uncle's wife for not having any relationship with her.
So I understand how difficult life can be sometimes.
Let's not forget about the fact that this is a mother in law who never had a relationship with OP and OP's children. I am sorry maybe I am young, I've seen bio parents abandon their children before, but I've never seen any grand parents purposely CHOSE to not have any relationship with their grandchildren.
I agree with much of your posts. However, not the above part. I believe a wife attending her MIL's funeral has nothing to do with one's relationship (or children's relationship) with the MIL, but everything to do with emotionally supporting a spouse during his time of need. If, in fact, the decision not to attend a funeral was based on the personal relationship with MIL (and not logistics such as childcare), I would find that selfish, as why can't someone offer respect and loving support to the living, while putting aside past issues/differences with the deceased (not saying the OP did this).
There are always three sides in one story, yours, mine, and the truth.
Maybe allowing some time for OP to process the information and respect her opinion helps?
wrong...there is the Op's side, the Husbands side and the truth...your opinion doesnt come into play as you don't know the ins and outs of their marriage...yet you continue to pontificate on how bad the husband is, lets keep in mind that we only have HER side of the story..and even based on that we can she HAS been selfish in some regards (not saying he hasnt)...I think the right course forward is communication, understanding and respect..that seems to have been lacking in the marriage currently
the husband isnt emotionally supporting the wife either. .. im not talking about the mammography or father open heart surgery./ im talking about her childs autism. the father isnt supporting the wife thruout her autism journey with her child.
she couldnt physically be there at the funeral for many reasons. whats the husbands reasoning for not being there for his child and give his child the support the child needs.
her reasoning for not going to the funeral:
*the trip alone wouldve costed alot of money. for her and her 3 kids to ALL go.
* not that autism wouldve prevented the trip, but the behavioral aspect may vary and she wouldve been doing it alone and its hard with 3 kids. she has her hands full.
*the mother and her didnt get along. im sure it wasnt the mother in laws last wish for her to be at the funeral.
* she had to get the mammography done at a certain time during her menstrual cycle and with family history of breast cancer. she couldnt just let it go another month.
* her father was having open heart surgery and she needed to be there for her parent too the same way her husband is there for his mother.
* they wouldve had to stay in a hotel she said. tahts even more of a financial burden, plus shes in school. it wouldve been a domino effect in her studies, and also her childrens studies because they are in school as well.
husbands reasoning for not being there emotionally to support his son against autism:
*he doesnt want to deal with autism.
who is selfish here? who is putting more into this relationship? who isnt considering how much teh other person is doing. the problem is not because she didnt go to the funeral, the problem is that the husband sounds like a self centered narcissist and whos only concern and priority is himself.
he didnt care about his wife and how she felt when he was in bed with that woman... it was about him being comforted..
he didnt take the little argument they had as an eye-opener to care about his family and see how they are doing as well.
he didnt take any responsibility in the physical contact factor with that other woman. SHE hugged him
he didnt take any responsibilty for ruining the marriage. he blames it on a 15 yr old. for telling the wife.
he didnt have patience with his wifes healing process by calling her mental because shes not over it yet.
shes trying to better the marriage and accepting what happened and understanding where they need to work on in the relationship. of course she doesnt trust him. of course she cant just go back to normal. any semblance of normalcy is going to take alot of time.. but only she can see if that time and effort will all be worth it.
First, thank you to mandy and lily for all your support.
My husband was out of touch with his real emotions, apparently. If he really wanted me to go, he should have said so. To the person who said I probably acted put out, etc by the idea of going, not true. I didn't have to say a word, he knew what I was facing and was gracious enough at the time to let me off the hook. Then, he couldn't deal with his emotions and ends up in bed with another woman.
I feel the need to defend myself a little since I am being attacked by some for not going to the funeral. For the record, his brother's wife didn't go either, they have been married one year less than us, as far as I know his brother didn't take another woman to bed. I know my sister in law didn't get along with mil either but don't know if she had other reasons for not attending. My mil did not have a good relationship with any of her daughter in laws (current or ex's and there are 2 ex's, he has another brother twice divorced) because she saw them as competition for her son's affection, instead of welcoming them as family.
My son's autism spectrum disorder was definitely a huge reason the marriage was deteriorating before my mil passed. I felt like I was a single parent and yes it was because my husband didn't want to deal with it. He never educated himself about what was wrong because it was easier to pretend nothing was wrong. Later, he would flip out if we were in a public place and my son did something to embarass him, for example acting up in a restaurant. I didn't like the way he was treating my son. Sometimes if he was acting real bad, he'd say things like, would you control YOUR son? As if he was only mine. This kind of behavior created resentment on my part and is what caused the disconnect we were having before mil passed away.
So funny! I thought the same thing but couldn't decide between Mandy612 or lilyflower.
introducing anileist ein esel to srjth
make baby time for you guys LOL hahahahha
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