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Find things to keep you busy. That is what I did. I spent a lot of time on the road. Running up and down the highway helped me. After the first couple of weeks it gets better and better. Actually it becomes a huge relief.
How do you make it through those first days after your spouse/SO has left? I'm talking about separation leading to divorce. My husband is leaving in two days. Any words of wisdom or tips?
I am so sorry, this is one of the hardest things you will have to face..
I do not know you personally, so I will state my opinion based on personal experience…
For me? It did not hit until the second month after we separated…
I try to look back ( coming up on 8 years ago) to recall the first few days and I honestly can say even though I knew he was gone?
I still had the habit of looking out the front window to see if he was home and looked for his truck..I could not sleep, eat, function, I felt like a robot and just going through the motions for our son…
What helped me most was resorting to a habit that I had developed as a teen…Writing..I would write down all of my feelings for that particular day, it was not addressed to anyone it was for me alone..
Needless to state I went through a lot of paper..
Keeping my feelings documented helped me keep perspective and not really lose it..
Keep the same routine, I found keeping some consistency during this time helpful, that in even such turmoil I still had control over me..
I RELIED heavily on my family and good friends…Having a good support system does have a big impact on one’s emotional health..in the sense that one feels so out of control and there life has just been turned upside down.
Fell what you need to “feel”, understand that you will be going on many emotional roller coasters, you may find that some days are better than others and try and have “hope” this is most important…
Know that while this is a “Dark time” it will pass, and know that someday soon you will be okay..
I wish you the best..
DR74
I cleaned the house like a crazy person. Moved furniture around in every room to make things look (and feel) as different as possible. I did everything possible not to be alone in the house in the beginning. I even considering moving early on, because I didn't think I could ever stay in the home we shared together, but eventually it began to feel like "my" home instead of "ours".
It sucks and I think each person deals with it differently. The first few weeks seem like a blur looking back. Like I wasn't really there, just watching from the outside. Whatever happens, you will get through it.
Lots of good advice here; couldn't quote everything.
Here are my agreements/comments:
Quote:
Originally Posted by mainebrokerman
say your peace, forgive, forget, and walk away..
Quote:
Originally Posted by greatblueheron
Sounds kinda silly but I went around throwing small items he had given me into the trash. ( )
One boyfriend had given me something that supposedly held a lot of meaning between us, as I was trying to stand by him during his time of trouble, even though we had actually broken up. After some further less-than-favorable action on his part, I mailed back this item in an envelope without any note or explanation. My meaning was obvious, and it was very cathartic and symbolic in my distancing myself from him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheEarthBeneathMe
You need to experience the emotions. I believe distractions (like busying yourself) just delay it. Instead allow yourself to cry and feel the pain. Acknowledge that it's happening and come to terms with it.
Be reasonable and realize that life goes on, and what you're feeling won't last. You will get over it and meet other people and be happy again.
Crying and experiencing it is what you need to do before you get to that point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND
It is ok to give yourself time to cry and feel miserable. You will feel badly that is normal. But, give yourself a time limit.
You can go on, it is never easy, but it is totally possible. My best to you. JanND
I strongly believe in this. It seems that people try to help us numb ourselves to get through situations like this. I think that's the worst thing you can do. You have to feel it, experience it before you can start healing from it. During my first "real" breakup as a teen, I tried to do anything, take anything to try to escape the pain. It just doesn't work, and it's not doing you any good. I think it just prolongs the pain.
[quote=SD4020;28391770]After the first couple of weeks it gets better and better. Actually it becomes a huge relief.[/quote]
Everyone's situation is different, but after my last breakup, in the end, the relief I felt outweighed just about everything else. Again, I don't know your situation, but hopefully you'll find some good in it in the end.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dr74
What helped me most was resorting to a habit that I had developed as a teen…Writing..I would write down all of my feelings for that particular day, it was not addressed to anyone it was for me alone..
Needless to state I went through a lot of paper..
Keeping my feelings documented helped me keep perspective and not really lose it..
Fell what you need to “feel”, understand that you will be going on many emotional roller coasters, you may find that some days are better than others and try and have “hope” this is most important…
Know that while this is a “Dark time” it will pass, and know that someday soon you will be okay..
I wish you the best..
DR74
We've all heard the advice about writing something down to help purge it from ourselves. I always took it with a grain of salt. But there was a situation I had with a family member where, if I had actually voiced my feelings out loud, it would have made things much worse. So I wrote down my feelings in a letter as if I were going to send it to this family member. I never did send it, but it really did help A LOT -- I was surprised at how much -- and I have since shredded it.
My husband walked out in October, and I took a slightly different path. My sister, who has been my cornerstone and go-to person through this, came to help me me. We lived in NC and our entire families were in MI or OH. It was just my son and I.
My sister let me grieve for 2 days. I had random rounds of crying, sleeplessness and was overwhelmed. I had to care for my infant son while dealing with this. My sister kept my head on straight, and she was the voice of reason when I could not reason. Having a trusted friend or relative is your saving grace.
I didn't stay in the house in NC. My sister organized a move home, and we got everything packed and loaded into a truck within a week's time. My husband hadn't gotten all of his stuff out yet, so I had to pack around his items and his occasional 'drop ins' to pick something up. The change was needed - I can only imagine the emotional roller coaster I would be on now had I stayed in the house we shared since I was in NC all alone with very few friends.
Once I got back to MI, the grief turned to anger. Unfortunately for me, I have to deal with him for another 17 yrs, there is no clean break. I spent much of the time preparing for our court battles, finding a new job, looking for a new home and spending every possible minute with my incredible son. It has taken almost 4 months for me to get a job, but the one on one time with my growing son has been some of the best therapy for me. It has truly made me a stronger person, yet, brought laughter, smiles and great times for me.
I also create a dummy email account, something I can write to and express how I feel toward him. The "send" button is a very big part of this process. I know these are things he'll never see, but it helps.
I am approaching the 6 month mark of us splitting, and I am still dealing with emotions associated with it only because we still have to have contact. His demonstrated immaturity and poor decision making over this time, plus his lack of desire to be the parent he promised me he'd be when I first found out I was expecting. I am still going through a range of emotions, and it is healthy. But, my son and my lives are moving onward and upward, and we are working on finding a new normal. Keeping a positive outlook has been key to making all this work for us, and I am a better person and parent for doing so.
How do you make it through those first days after your spouse/SO has left? I'm talking about separation leading to divorce. My husband is leaving in two days. Any words of wisdom or tips?
I've gone down this road a couple of times. While I've never been married I have had some long term relationships end. One by me the other by her.
What I can tell you is this.. Today, Right now.. Make a list of things you like to do. Hobbies, interests, places you haven't been in a while. These are the things you are going to start doing the day he leaves.
The morning he is set to leave you need to be the first one out of the house. Get up early, take a shower, put on something nice and get out of the house before he does. Let him be the one seeing YOU leave. Be nice and happy when you leave... It's important to stay strong even if it's a total BS fake.
Call a couple of your friends and get together for drinks over breakfast and plan the day together. Word of caution. Some friends can be real downers or drama queens (this goes for guys as well). You know which of your friends are like this and you want to avoid them for awhile. Crying on a shoulder isn't gonna help.
Whip out you list and get started doing things. The key is to stay busy. SO often people lose themselves in a relationship and stop doing the things they love. Now is the time to get your life back.
Surround yourself with friends and people you care about. You'll find that this kind of positive behavior will attract other like minded people and you might find yourself with a date if you're not careful...
On that note... If you have an old BF or someone that you know has some interest you might want to consider giving him a call.. But it's important that you find yourself first....
These things suck and the last thing you want to hear is " It'll get better with time". But the truth is it really will get better. Ask yourself this.. Will any of this truly matter in a year. IF the answer is no then smile and focus on getting there.
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