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You have developed your life alone in a way that provides meaning for you and gives you a sense of fulfillment and thats good, you are a better person for it. But (its always what comes after the but) anyone who has ever been truly in love knows you will drop everything for it and nothing will be more important. There is no take it or leave it and no matter how it ends there is no forgetting.
I can tell you at work I have reached the pinnacle of my profession and having got there, excelled. At home I am remarkably accomplished and skillful in a variety of pursuits. I seldom have the time to do everything I want in a day and I never lack for attentions of the female variety. But (its always what comes after the but lol) I am not in love. Having once known what its like to share a love with a woman who took the very air from the room I know this is not a good thing. So my days are full and filled with things that I have a passion for and I am not unhappy. I however live knowing that I could be doing all these things next to my beloved.
This is true. I think my life would be better if I had the RIGHT relationship. But not just any relationship. I've been in love, and it was pretty all-consuming and wonderful. But we were two very broken people when we met and spent most of that time putting each other back together.
I'd love to have something that intense now that I've got my **** together, but ... I know that relationship is not something I'd want to re-create. That said, that relationship was "enough" for me. I don't think you necessarily have to live happily ever after with the love of your life, but I won't be distraught if the guy who currently still holds that spot (despite the relationship being over for a decade) gets supplanted by another man at some point.
I think this is mostly a philosophical question, and I apologize if anything here comes off as pompous. I've said frequently in these threads that I'm finally at a very happy place in life. I wonder though if you guys think this makes dating more difficult in some ways. When I say "I don't need a man" it's not some sort of neo-feminist, manhating statement - just an actual fact that I've got a good life without a partner.
The fact that I don't see myself as NEEDING a partner doesn't mean I treat my dates poorly or anything like that. I'm attentive, fairly emotionally open, passionate and definitely willing to make time for someone else. And I definitely develop strong feelings for my partners. But if I die single, I won't feel unfulfilled.
I love being part of a couple, and right now I'm seeing a guy who's pretty awesome. But, like me, he's not really all that eager to shack up or get married or anything like that. But I think the downside (for me) of this lack of need and expectations is that our relationship is very vaguely defined, though we are exclusive.
I also feel more cautious about letting romantic interests into my life to a certain degree. I've been a fairly open person for most of my life, and now my main worry when I meet a guy is if he is going to disrupt the happiness I've already achieved. It was a totally different story when my life was a mess and I had all these voids in my life. That said, I also wonder if a guy I'm seeing might wonder where I have room for him in my life (though I will cheerfully make room for the right person).
This is probably a crude way to put it, but it's like the burrito shack at the end of my street. LOVE IT. I go to eat there about once a week, and I totally enjoy it. But if the burrito shack closed tomorrow and I couldn't stroll down to the end of my street to grab a snack, I'd just do without burritos and not really miss them THAT much. I guess what I'm saying is that while I might fall in love with a guy and really enjoy that particular relationship, my approach to the concept of romance in general these past couple years has become very "take it or leave it."
I try not to be smug or complacent, and to remain open-hearted. But I keep thinking about the saying "everyone likes to be needed," and I wonder if I should change things up. But how would I even do that? And how would I do that without acting like someone I'm not?
To me it sounds as though you simply aren't interested in a long term relationship. As you said, when you meet a man you worry that he will disrupt your happiness. If that is the first thing you think, you are putting up a barrier whether you intend to do so or not. Also, you are only willing to make room for the "right person" - but you will never know whether someone is right for your life unless you make room for them first. So that's another barrier. I think that's fine, some people simply aren't interested in a long term partnership/marriage. If you happy with the way things are - and from you say, you are - then there is no need to question things.
This is true. I think my life would be better if I had the RIGHT relationship. But not just any relationship. I've been in love, and it was pretty all-consuming and wonderful. But we were two very broken people when we met and spent most of that time putting each other back together.
I'd love to have something that intense now that I've got my **** together, but ... I know that relationship is not something I'd want to re-create. That said, that relationship was "enough" for me. I don't think you necessarily have to live happily ever after with the love of your life, but I won't be distraught if the guy who currently still holds that spot (despite the relationship being over for a decade) gets supplanted by another man at some point.
The bolded section was the last time I felt love. I was 22 years old and it was so intense, that I couldn't even imagine anyone not wanting to feel that amazing!!
The red section is how I feel now. I have my life together, but I haven't came close to feeling that love I felt in the bolded section. When I think about it, I make a face, because I miss that feeling so much. That excitement you felt when you saw each other after a day of work, or the way she glistened when she came in from a sweaty workout. At that time we seemed indestructable.
Now that I know that we were destructable, I still long for that love, because even though it hurt like hell, it is worth the risk to feel that feeling again!!
I think it's made things harder for me, only because I'm expecting more than I was before.
I feel the same way. I don't take s**t for sure and I don't mean that in a negative or arrogant way. It's just I expect a lot as far as discipline, values, and all around quality goes in terms of a future S/O.
Please re-read my post. I said a compliment from a man on my physical appearance is beneath me. If he wants to tell me how smart, witty and articulate I am-by all means have at it.
Comments about physical appearance do nothing but make me uncomfortable and feel stale.
I know what you meant.
Is this across the board? Regardless of who says it, and when ?
Or is it ok if you have been dating someone ? IRL, I havent encountered many people that didn't like compliments, as long as they were appropriate and from the right person.
Disneyland, Hallmark, our mothers, whoever, have long told us that true happiness lies in "falling in love".
Science tells us we are designed to fall in love, several times over a lifetime. We are not built to be monogamous. The "in love" chemicals are almost completely gone after 2 years and then what do you have?
Sometimes, the golden ring. Most times, a bunch of disappointment and feelings of something being not quite "right" but unable to put a finger on it.
As society is becoming far more sexualised, so are we. Our facebooking. tattooed, hookup-loving youth are extremely unlikely to find someone with whom they can happily and unselfishly live for 50+ years.
I feel that as a Gen X (only just) I am literally on the cusp of huge societal change. I still have strong emotional and moral connections to the "olden days", yet am independant and adventurous enough to have got up to most of what today's kids are getting up to, back in the day. My family tree is also peppered with strong independant minded women, so a genetic element towards singledom is undoubtedly present.
The pay-off for being cured of "romance"? My fantasy of "happy ever after" does not include an LTR at all costs. Now I can be single and not "unusual" or a spinster. This is a huge societal step forward for women and we should embrace it. The days of women NEEDING a man to be viewed as "normal" by society, are over. Thank God.
Let's celebrate it by having a girls night out. I'll bring the voddy.
I know what you meant.
Is this across the board? Regardless of who says it, and when ?
Or is it ok if you have been dating someone ? IRL, I havent encountered many people that didn't like compliments, as long as they were appropriate and from the right person.
The man I've been dating for 3 years knows he will get no reaction out of me for a physical compliment-not even a thank you. So he stopped giving them after our first couple weeks of dating.
Haven't heard one since. He knows the way to win me over is to comment on something substantial and relevant to who I am.
Disneyland, Hallmark, our mothers, whoever, have long told us that true happiness lies in "falling in love".
Science tells us we are designed to fall in love, several times over a lifetime. We are not built to be monogamous. The "in love" chemicals are almost completely gone after 2 years and then what do you have?
Sometimes, the golden ring. Most times, a bunch of disappointment and feelings of something being not quite "right" but unable to put a finger on it.
As society is becoming far more sexualised, so are we. Our facebooking. tattooed, hookup-loving youth are extremely unlikely to find someone with whom they can happily and unselfishly live for 50+ years.
I feel that as a Gen X (only just) I am literally on the cusp of huge societal change. I still have strong emotional and moral connections to the "olden days", yet am independant and adventurous enough to have got up to most of what today's kids are getting up to, back in the day. My family tree is also peppered with strong independant minded women, so a genetic element towards singledom is undoubtedly present.
The pay-off for being cured of "romance"? My fantasy of "happy ever after" does not include an LTR at all costs. Now I can be single and not "unusual" or a spinster. This is a huge societal step forward for women and we should embrace it. The days of women NEEDING a man to be viewed as "normal" by society, are over. Thank God.
Let's celebrate it by having a girls night out. I'll bring the voddy.
Disneyland, Hallmark, our mothers, whoever, have long told us that true happiness lies in "falling in love".
Science tells us we are designed to fall in love, several times over a lifetime. We are not built to be monogamous. The "in love" chemicals are almost completely gone after 2 years and then what do you have?
Sometimes, the golden ring. Most times, a bunch of disappointment and feelings of something being not quite "right" but unable to put a finger on it.
As society is becoming far more sexualised, so are we. Our facebooking. tattooed, hookup-loving youth are extremely unlikely to find someone with whom they can happily and unselfishly live for 50+ years.
I feel that as a Gen X (only just) I am literally on the cusp of huge societal change. I still have strong emotional and moral connections to the "olden days", yet am independant and adventurous enough to have got up to most of what today's kids are getting up to, back in the day. My family tree is also peppered with strong independant minded women, so a genetic element towards singledom is undoubtedly present.
The pay-off for being cured of "romance"? My fantasy of "happy ever after" does not include an LTR at all costs. Now I can be single and not "unusual" or a spinster. This is a huge societal step forward for women and we should embrace it. The days of women NEEDING a man to be viewed as "normal" by society, are over. Thank God.
Let's celebrate it by having a girls night out. I'll bring the voddy.
I wasn't raised with the 'princess, fairy tale' fantasies that so many people claim women have, so it's very difficult for me to wrap my head around it. Perhaps I'm just a realist, or maybe slightly devoid of emotion in that sense, but I've never really needed or required a man in my life, though I'd really like a long term partner at some point. The women I know who have high standards and live in a fantasy world all seem to have husbands or boyfriends that dote on them...so I can't help but wonder if most men really DO like the princess type women, contrary to what the men on here say. The women who have lower standards and aren't super girly and demanding always seem to be single, ESPECIALLY if they have a 'male oriented' career or hobby. Just some observations.
Regardless, can I bring some scotch? I've been craving a good glass of Lagavulin lately.
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