If you found out your SO kissed someone else, would that be grounds to break up with them? (dating, wife)
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The reason I ask this is because one of my friends found out in October of last year through their mutual friend that her SO kissed a woman at a Halloween party they both attended. Her SO was "sloppy drunk" as she called it and it was confirmed that they didn't go further than just kissing at the party. It's been several months since this happened to her and she still can't move past it. I told her she didn't have to accept what he did and that if this is torturing her this much, that she should just end it with him. I told her what he did was completely unacceptable, disrespectful and totally out of line. She labeled what he did as cheating on her and I agree with her.
However, when her and I discussed what happened with some of our other friends, they say that - although what he did was totally wrong and unacceptable - that it was "forgivable" and that if he did nothing else wrong, then she should try to forgive him because "people make mistakes" and that most men cannot resist temptation when it's presented to them. I countered what they said with, what if this isn't the first time he did this to her? What if this is the only time she has ever found out? If her boyfriend has the character and propensity to kiss another woman while his "defenses were down", what if the opportunity presented itself at other times that she isn't aware of?
I'd like to get honest yet respectful opinions from some of the sage advisors of this site for her to read and absorb. She really needs help with this and, although I'm helping her through this, I think she also wants other peoples' opinions so she can weigh things out in her mind and think things through. She's leaning towards breaking up with him but she's torn and wants to make sure she's making the right decision and not just breaking up with him out of hurt and anger. They've been together since June 2011 and, to date, she has told me that she doesn't think he has cheated on her before the kissing incident but now after having found this out, she thinks he may have cheated on her before and she just never found out about it. My heart breaks for her because she's a wonderful person and has a lot going for her. I also liked her SO and thought she finally found her soulmate because she was always so happy and they make (or made) a perfect couple. My anger at him for what he did to my friend is palpable and at a high level. I think she should break up with him and go on with her life until she finds another guy who wouldn't dare do this to her.
Thanks for any input any of you have about this. She's like a sister to me and I want to help her out in any way that I can to get her through this painful time in her life.
Is their relationship good otherwise? Did he immediately come clean to her about the kissing? I think if the relationship is otherwise good and he came clean right away and seemed truly remorseful, then I would want to try to forgive him. He definitely crossed the line kissing someone else, but she needs to ask herself if it's worth throwing away the whole relationship. She has every right to be hurt and angry with him, but I give him a lot of credit for coming clean about this. Now if she found out from someone else, that's a totally different story.
First of all, I am sorry this happened to your friend. Must be very tough. You sound like a good friend, by the way.
If this happened to me, honestly I don't know how I would react. My best suggestion is that do not make any decision just yet, we tend to say things we do not mean when we are very angry. Give it some time, she might not feel the same 3 months from now.
Meh? One time thing?
I'd want to talk about it and what led to it and get to the root of the issue, but no...I wouldn't kick my wife to the curb for it. *shrug* **** happens.
Honestly, if it were a one time thing, I'd rather she just keep her mouth shut about it and move on. A lot of this 'confessing' is really counterproductive.
I wouldn't accept this nor could I move past it. If my SO cheated I would end the relationship. Cheating is cheating whether its a kiss or sex it's not acceptable and I wouldn't be able to trust them again
This is a mess.
If it were me, having the wisdom I NOW have, the following would need to occur in order for me to consider the relationship to continue. And that incident would have to he the very first trust issue to arise in the relationship.
1. No more heavy drinking. Pretty much ever. Drinking socially, ok, but drinking enough to be able to drive home LEGALLY. That basically means one drink an hour, and basically sober all night.
2. Future parties the s/o attends will be accompanied by me. Why was he at a Halloween party without his gf? I see a huge problem there even before the kiss. If the gf 'isn't into Halloween or parties' and the bf is, then they probably wont work out anyway.
It's like New Years, if you are dating someone, and you don't do New Years together, you might as well break up. Halloween isn't exactly the same, but it's close to it for those who CARE about it.
Of course, if one person is out of town, then considerations can be made.
How someone would or should react is going to be different depending on the individual and the relationship (obviously). However, it sounds like your friend has been agonizing over this for quite sometime. IMHO, I'm not sure that this issue is something that your friend can let go all that easily which will ultimately cause the relationship to deteriorate anyway. If she's been going back and forth about her SO kissing someone for 4 months, I doubt that there is much that the guy will be able to do to convince her that he can totally be trusted ever again. If this is the case then the relationship is pretty much over. If your friend feels that she cannot totally trust this guy what would be the reason to stay with him. With something like this, some people will be able to move on and some won't, there's no right or wrong answer. Either way, relationships can only last in the long-term if both parties truly trust one another.
If your friend does in fact want the relationship to continue then she is going to have to chalk this issue up as a stupid mistake and move past it. If it's too difficult for her to move on (and it sounds like it is) then she'll just continue to torture herself with insecure thoughts for as long as she stays with him. That kind of situation isn't productive for anyone.
It sounds like she thinks she'll never be able to trust him since it's been over 4 months and it still bothers her. If she doesn't think she'll ever get over it, the it's time to end it. It will be just as likely that she brings up the incident one time too many and he ends it. I've done many wrong things in my past that get jokingly brought up from time to time. If any were ever brought up constantly and viscously, I'd walk.
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