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I've been thinking recently (dangerous I know) about being old - fashioned and how that may be hurting my chances in relationships in general. To clarify, I don't mean old fashioned in that I'm like some Bronze Age bloke straight out of the old Testament, keen on stoning unbelievers and adulterers. I mean old-fashioned in the sense of dress, tastes, hobbies and interests, and in the sense I am looking for a boring ol' long term relationship. (Though after five years without sexual activity, it's becoming obvious that I'm going slightly stir-fry gai lan and may just have to forgo that entirely. After all, if one can't even be sucessful at casual sexual liasons, how on earth can one expect sucess elsewhere?)
This might not seemt to be particularly problematic or even worthy of any comment but it has occured to me over the past few months of my move to the US from Asia that I have serious trouble relating to people in my demographic. I feel neither in touch with the white hipsters and sillicon valley yuppies, but nor do I relate well to the blue collar and hip-hop scenes. There are times when I see a dinosaur in the bathrom mirror instead of a 22 year old kid. And there are times when I am tempted to just completely overhaul myself, get rid of all my old clothes, purge my hopeless sense of chivalry and romanticism and make myself anew.
In interactions with women well over my age, in their 30s and 40s, I generally do pretty well. Many have told me they find me interesting or unusually mature, and are usually happy to swap numbers and become casual friends. There is a animal shelter in the outer Haight where I volunteer at every so often and most of the women there (an odd mix of white collar bourgeoise and aging hippies) look at me kindly in a sort of maternal, oh lookie at the nice Chinese boy, I'm sure he'll find someone soon sort of way. On the one hand it does make me feel better, but on the other hand it's somewhat pathetic, innit?
I suppose the real problem is that I work from home for the most part, with some part time work in the city. I'm not financially badly off but I don't have a college edicmaction and thus it's hard to meet people in my age range. Even the social acitvities I do (Muay Thai, hip-hop dance and the animal shelter are my current activities.) seem to be skewed towards the late 20s, mid 30s range. Since I've dated older women in the past, I'm not at all opposed to dating people in that demographic, but I bring practically nothing to the table and hence am usually politely if firmly stymied. This is more than I can say for the rejections from younger women, which are usually mean spirited, couched in contemptous language and accompanied with ample eye rolling.
To sound off, I don't want to give the impression (though I probably already have) that I think I'm better, or too good than my contemporaries. I've met plenty of women my age who are far smarter and/or more industrious than myself. Most of them have a meteoric career in the cards. It just seems like I don't have much common ground with them.
Last edited by Inebriated Duck; 03-03-2013 at 02:48 PM..
This, and maturity and superior intelligence, are what you bring to the table. That's a lot more than a lot of other guys.
Are you happy in your line of work, and with your professional prospects for the future? If not, is there any chance you could go to college part-time? If you work from home, it sounds like you might have a flexible work schedule that would accommodate that. Once you qualify for US citizenship, you will qualify for a Pell Grant for college. I realize that's a longer-term goal than what you're looking at here, but...there's nothing wrong with medium-to-long range planning, either.
Sorry you get the contempt & eyeroll treatment, OP. You deserve better.
You sound intelligent, thoughtful, inquisitive, witty and mature for your short years on this earth. Just keep on doing what you're doing. Keep on talking to people and just be yourself. I can see why older women would be attracted to you. Young women your age are discovering who they are and have not had much life experience to see what they'd be missing by dating a man like you. Give it time. Visualize in your mind the specific type of woman you want to attract, including her age, her looks and her personality. Eventually, you're going to attract that which you seek. Good luck and, keep that sense of humor and sarcasm! Intelligent and confident women love that in a man.
Oh good lord. Your 22. Relax. You will figure things out. And if not by the time your 40, oh well life goes on.
I'm 35 and trying my damnes to improve my life. Here's some pointers. In life realize you are important to someone. Your old fashion? Who cares. I'm a conservative libral. Figure that one out. Lol
Life may or may not get better. But think of the good things in life.
You sound exactly like me. On other forums where people didn't know my age, they assumed I was well over 50. I'm only 17. I feel like I'm in the exact same boat as you, but haven't even dated anyone yet, haha.
You will be an awesome catch for someone. Why don't you take a few college or tech school classes if you feel the need to mix and mingle? You're not too old. Just study something you're interested in.
Bide your time, sweet stuff. I have every confidence you will come into your own with the ladies.
However, you may want to examine your attachment to romanticism and chivalry. As a lifelong pragmatist, those things were never selling points to me. With men who are overly into those things, I've often felt like there was some sort of script written out that I wasn't privy to and which I had no real interest in taking part. Unless you are genuinely looking for a woman who wants to be taken care of and coddled, hold back on that stuff early on. I'm not saying don't show your regard, but don't do it with a flourish and make sure you're not showering a woman with too much too soon.
With my current guy, I'd have to say he is NOT a romantic or very into the concept of chivalry. He holds doors for me when he's ahead of me and whatnot, and he almost always opens his vehicle's door for me before he gets in himself. But I'm not made to feel I'm on a pedestal. Rather the aggregate of his behaviors towards me demonstrates to me that he is reliable and holds me in regard. Chivalrous gestures, depending on how they are made, often feel to me like the man is trying to rush what should be a slow process of building trust, respect and affection, almost like a smoke and mirrors game.
If I were your age, I'd think you were the bee's knees. You're good-looking and you dress well, so you'd catch my eye, and you're intelligent and articulate with a voice of your own, so you'd catch my brain. Honestly? You remind me of the good points of my ex-husband, which is a very high compliment that I don't give just anyone.
I think really it's more logistics than anything. Right place, right time, and it will come together for you. Promise.
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Keep on talking to people and just be yourself. I can see why older women would be attracted to you. Young women your age are discovering who they are and have not had much life experience to see what they'd be missing by dating a man like you. Give it time. Visualize in your mind the specific type of woman you want to attract, including her age, her looks and her personality. Eventually, you're going to attract that which you seek. Good luck and, keep that sense of humor and sarcasm! Intelligent and confident women love that in a man. 
