Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,065 posts, read 4,535,702 times
Reputation: 999
This is tough topic for me. I would have really liked a husband who paid the bills, ordered for me in a restaurant, picked out what video we were going to watch. I hated having to make every single decision. It stunk. One time he went to a dealership, picked out which truck he wanted on the lot, without talking to a salesman, told me which truck it was and demanded I go and buy it. Back in that day, car salesman didn't want to talk to the wife.
Lord, I don't miss those days.
So my next serious relationship, I am definitely game for giving up a some power.
On the flip side, my sister makes no decisions. Her husband even picked out all their furniture and art work.
I voted for a 50-50 split. To me it's basically, we both share equally in the big decision making and also trust the other person to make the final say in the absence of ones presence. Some things are too mundane for him to think about.
Relationships should be equal, and yes it is hard work to keep it that way but hopefully two people have different gifts and different talents and the distribution of power can be made to accord with specific abilities. If you love and most importantly respect your other half you don't really see it as power anyway but as adjusting to your own needs and getting the best out of the other.
I put 50-50, but I believe that the percentages are fluid. In most cases, one person feels more strongly or has more expertise in an area, as so the "power" would naturally fall to that person.
I'm not comfortable, however, using the word "power" in describing relationships. Influence might be a better word. I would almost include "authority" as a better word, but feel that it is a word that is perceived differently by different people, similar to the differing interpretations on the meaning of the "fear" of God.
I think that as long as each person is less concerned about getting their way and more concerned about the big picture of the relationship, decisions naturally work themselves out. This doesn't mean that both parties agree with every decision, but that they are able to ultimately rise above their individual egos to graciously accept that you win some and lose some.
In all reality I think power is the wrong word. One should instead strive for diplomacy . A relationship after the googly phase (that's a techinical term..lol) is two individuals who will have sometimes vastly different ideas, goals, and tastes; yet these two people are working to build a life together . What's called for is not a power struggle, but diplomacy.
Many relationships fall in to turmoil when this struggle ensues. It can be avoided by using lots of "I" messages (instead of "You disrespected me by..." try "I feel disrespected when you..."). Another form of diplomacy is using humor. It's been said that humor is a form of bringing ideas while minimizing risk. That can be a tough one to master, but it works. Humor is also great for diffusing rocky situations, just make sure it's timed well and respectful.
Above all, one should avoid manipulation, blame, guilt, and belittling.
A relationship can be a compromise, but it should never be an issue of power.
*this message prompted by prodding from another poster....wait, did I just get cajoled into doing something by diplomacy?
Initially marriage is about (or should be about) two people who each come into the relationship with their own strengths and weaknesses, but ultimately they compliment each other, and thats what makes the marriage strong. IMO some marriages morph into ugly power struggles over what's MINE, and the team becomes ME. Part of it could be the desire to acquire more material things, and if that opinion is not shared by both parties suddenly the other person is told (he/she) has no ambition (previous thread, also see the Woman who wants to just put her name on the house thread). With more than half of all marriages ending in divorce men and women have lost their way when it comes to marriage. Its almost as if love and commitment are way down on the list and the top reason is "Whats in it for me?"
zero-zero. I'd like to think "power" wouldn't be an issue. Though I believe in traditional gender roles, I'd like to find someone who ALSO believes in them wholeheartedly, and could do a mean job of handling the finances as well. I just want to be the one earning the income, she can spend as she pleases.
Added to say, "Hey! Your poll is very hetero-centric. I can't even vote LOL! "
I agree with you Fiddlekitten. I get so frustrated with guys that expect me to make all the decisions.
Not "all" the decisions, but we do like to see that you're capable of making them. And if we DO make a decision, and you don't agree, don't get mad at us. Yes, I'm going out...or to work...in this ratty T-shirt. Big deal. The last three times we went to dinner, you let me make the decision, and we went out for pizza when you wanted seafood...BUT you never spoke up.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
LOL! " 
