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Maybe those who like the "rule" have experienced what I did.
Okay, you got me. I've often said that people normalize everything to themselves, and I suppose this situation is no different. People see what works for themselves and apply it to others. Not saying I agree with this practice in all cases, but readily acknowledge that it happens.
In the last week I've seen a lot of comments suggesting that men and women should pursue partners who are within their social class. More specifically the suggestion is that they pursue partners whose income is close to that of their own. This seems to be more common regarding men seeking women who earn more than they do, but there those who apply the same concept to women who seek men with higher incomes.
This is a conceptual equivalent to "dating within your league" which focuses more on the physical aspect of dating and attraction. That argument typically goes something like, "An overweight or homely person should pursue only other overweight and homely people." I personally find this line of reasoning absurd, but the idea has its supporters here on the forum. And in the interest of good dialogue, I'll ask the same question, but as it relates to social class rather than physical appearance.
So what is the defense for this line of reasoning? For those who defend this idea, what are your arguments supporting it? For those who disagree, what are the best arguments opposing it?
I think there are a lot of delusional people saying that. There are the poverty-stricken, there are one-percenters, there are two-percenters, and then there's the rest of us. The folks who think there is a huge disparity between someone one who makes $85K and someone who makes $50K are missing the forest for the trees. Newsflash: You're all middle-class.
Quote:
Originally Posted by iknowftbll
But my reason for asking is this: I've seen the arguments, but few have elaborated on why they feel this way. They just state how they believe it should be without giving a reason why.
In my past relationships, I discovered that men who made significantly more money than I do were not good matches. I make a comfortable living, but I don't live an extravagant lifestyle by any means. I can't stand to see people throw money away just because they have it. I had trouble coming to terms with someone needing an $80k dollar car when a $30k car is just as good (among other things).
I wouldn't say that people should stay within their social class, but I can see potential pitfalls to getting involved. I would never deny a relationship with a man who made more money, but I would look carefully at the way he lives his life before going too far.
Yep. This. I'm very open to dating people who are at my income level or below, but I'm wary of dating people OVER my income level, just because I feel there is a higher likelihood of a difference in values. I make good money, but not A LOT. It's enough for me to be comfortable and take care of my needs and a lot of my "wants." But extravagance is nothing I'm interested in, nor is excessive ambition. I worked crazy hard in high school and kind of burned out after I got into a top 10 college. I've got a solid but not terribly lucrative career and am respected in my field, and I have no ambitions beyond that. I like my low-key life, and want a partner who is the same.
I'm interested in who I'm interested in. There's really not much more to it than that...although in general I do think people with money or really good looking men are out of my 'league' and I don't bother with them. They have better options and I'm not going to waste my time or put myself in a position to get used.
You could be missing out. Maybe they like who you are, even if you think they have better options.
dont believe the hype, don't buy into stereo types, and dont believe the social dating norms B.S., you are far better off charting your own waters. date whoever you want and don't worry about what other people think --heck, they aren't helping you get laid so give their opinions the value it deserves... a big fat z-e-r-o,
Me? I don't discriminate against age, ethnicity, national origin, or social economic status, good tail is good tail. And, yes, that includes good tail for LTRs, wouldn't have it any other way. Good luck.
Last edited by Dr. Clean; 03-09-2013 at 10:25 PM..
In my past relationships, I discovered that men who made significantly more money than I do were not good matches. I make a comfortable living, but I don't live an extravagant lifestyle by any means. I can't stand to see people throw money away just because they have it. I had trouble coming to terms with someone needing an $80k dollar car when a $30k car is just as good (among other things).
I wouldn't say that people should stay within their social class, but I can see potential pitfalls to getting involved. I would never deny a relationship with a man who made more money, but I would look carefully at the way he lives his life before going too far.
Absolutely.
I used to be of the mindset that these barriers weren't important in a relationship. I still think that in some cases, they aren't, but they CAN overlap with incompatibility. In previous relationships where there was a socioeconomic background gap, it made a difference. I tried to believe it didn't, but in the end, it did. In our case, it wasn't even that OUR finances were so incredibly far apart. It was that we were raised by families with very different socioeconomic backgrounds, and the result of that was that we had incredibly different values ingrained within us. It didn't come out until we were already together for a while. Obviously, I'm doing much better with somebody with shared, compatible values.
I think there are a lot of delusional people saying that. There are the poverty-stricken, there are one-percenters, there are two-percenters, and then there's the rest of us. The folks who think there is a huge disparity between someone one who makes $85K and someone who makes $50K are missing the forest for the trees. Newsflash: You're all middle-class.
Agree.... IMO These are the social groups where cross-interaction is more difficult as the way of thinking is likely very different: the poor (govt. dependent), middle-class workers (includes blue collar as well as educated professionals - those who must work), top 1% (the rich), top .01% (the super rich).
I think there is less disparity within a social class due to income differences (e.g. $50K to $100K). Differences might be more related to educational attainment.
In the last week I've seen a lot of comments suggesting that men and women should pursue partners who are within their social class. More specifically the suggestion is that they pursue partners whose income is close to that of their own. This seems to be more common regarding men seeking women who earn more than they do, but there those who apply the same concept to women who seek men with higher incomes.
This is a conceptual equivalent to "dating within your league" which focuses more on the physical aspect of dating and attraction. That argument typically goes something like, "An overweight or homely person should pursue only other overweight and homely people." I personally find this line of reasoning absurd, but the idea has its supporters here on the forum. And in the interest of good dialogue, I'll ask the same question, but as it relates to social class rather than physical appearance.
So what is the defense for this line of reasoning? For those who defend this idea, what are your arguments supporting it? For those who disagree, what are the best arguments opposing it?
I don't think it is so much an argument about what people should do, but an observation about what actually happens in most cases.
In our culture, we like to believe our relationships are love matches, and that we don't consider crass economic factors. But that simply isn't true. Not at any income level.
Back in 1997, a book came out called Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put Motherhood Before Marriage. It was a fascinating book on many levels. One question the authors asked was, why don't more poor men and women marry better-off partners as a way to escape poverty? The answer was simple: better-off men and women in poor communities married EACH OTHER. The poorer men and women had to choose from whoever was left over.
No one is interested in marrying someone they have to rescue from poverty. On the contrary, they seek out mates who are likely to enhance their standard of living. People don't like to admit they do this, but they do.
I have dated men from way below what I made to way above and have found generally I do better with men around my income. That's not to say I couldn't fall for someone richer or poorer than me, just not likely. Men I have dated who made more money tended to pay for all of most of the activities but often had a traditional view of marriage as in if we married they'd expect me to quit and be a housewife. The men I dated who were poor were more equal in this respect but if we married I would expect them to do more chores than me considering I would be making more. Some of the men who made less in a way resented that I made more.
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I've often said that people normalize everything to themselves, and I suppose this situation is no different. People see what works for themselves and apply it to others. Not saying I agree with this practice in all cases, but readily acknowledge that it happens.
