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Old 03-13-2013, 11:32 AM
 
Location: in your dreams
8,869 posts, read 6,183,835 times
Reputation: 11156
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
If you are not sexually and emotionally attracted to your husband anymore, I think you should pack your stuff and leave.
Move in with your parents and figure out a way to become a single mother.

There are a lot of single mothers who can support themselves and their babies. Your future is not necessarily doomed.

Divorce is completely justified is there are abuse, addiction and affair in the marriage. Your husband hit you and cheated on you. You should leave.
I agree.

 
Old 03-13-2013, 11:34 AM
 
8,012 posts, read 3,660,391 times
Reputation: 9540
Quote:
Originally Posted by kysmommy View Post
thanks so much. deff needed to hear that im so tired of ppl telling me i need to stick it out for my son. We have broken up and gotten backtogether at least 5-6 times... its always the same results... hes a great dad just not a great husband....
were still in our mid 20s also... i feel like if i sit around and waste my time im missing out on something great.

You might be. But then you might not. While the grass always LOOKS greener on the other side, it usually isn't. You absolutely should not just "stick" with a marriage for the sake of your son for decades of long miserable years. But just ditching him is not the answer either.

You are young. You could either grow up and try build something beautiful and lasting. Or you could give up, probably learn nothing, and doom yourself to repeat into your thirties. This is not intended as a criticism. Being young is no fault. We all do it.

What have you done to try to FIX the marriage? I am not talking about you trying to win arguments from your perspective and him trying to win from his. Rinse repeat. As you have seen, that does not work. Have you tried marriage counseling? Have you gone over to MarriageBuilders and learned about love langiages and love banks? Have you taken a look at books that might help you like Amazon.com: Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships: David Schnarch Ph.D.: Books

Marriage and commitment are something we are bred to think is like magic. It isn't. It is a skill like anything else. You master the skill now or you master the skill later. If you don't master the skill, you wind up in serial monogamous relationship never able to make one stick.
 
Old 03-13-2013, 11:36 AM
 
8,012 posts, read 3,660,391 times
Reputation: 9540
I did not read the whole thing. If he is a DB, hitting, cheating and addicted, then you need to get out and get out smart. Get a lawyer.
 
Old 03-13-2013, 12:02 PM
 
3,898 posts, read 3,334,363 times
Reputation: 5210
Quote:
Originally Posted by somebodynew View Post
I did not read the whole thing. If he is a DB, hitting, cheating and addicted, then you need to get out and get out smart. Get a lawyer.
You would think that would have been mentioned in the first post. It just seems that little things have been added to keep the thread growing. The OP had made up her mind to leave but I guess needed the validation from strangers whom she gave very little information to.
 
Old 03-13-2013, 12:14 PM
 
Location: bold new city of the south
4,904 posts, read 1,973,183 times
Reputation: 5606
''For better or worse, in sickness and health,
for richer, for poorer, forsaking all others,
til death do us part.''
 
Old 03-13-2013, 12:19 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
43,996 posts, read 53,900,640 times
Reputation: 36673
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
If you are not sexually and emotionally attracted to your husband anymore, I think you should pack your stuff and leave.
Move in with your parents and figure out a way to become a single mother.

There are a lot of single mothers who can support themselves and their babies. Your future is not necessarily doomed.

Divorce is completely justified is there are abuse, addiction and affair in the marriage. Your husband hit you and cheated on you. You should leave.
sigh - you know I love ya lily, but you frequently give out advice that reflects your lack of real world experience on marital issues, and that can be dangerous for anyone who takes you seriously.

You should never be so quick to advise anyone to just become a single mother!

Single mothers in her age range and education level not only have much harder lives financially and socially, but their children statistically struggle more in many areas of life too.

It's been proven that in general such children have lower academic performance, social achievement, and psychological adjustment than children with married parents.

You are right that she is "not necessarily doomed", but in order to make her situation the best it can be she will need a very mature selfless attitude, comprehensive understanding of WHY she has made the choices she has made up to this point in her life, and a working relationship with her baby's father.

At the moment, she has none of those things.

This is why she and her husband should do the responsible thing and seek some counseling.

As I have stated several times, there are very good reasons for why they are having their difficulties and for why she THINKS she no longer loves him. But the fact is, these are not necessarily insurmountable with some professional help.

And even if things are past the point of no return, she needs to earn her way out of the marriage to be able to go forward and be in the best position to help her son to not be so negatively impacted by her being a single mom.

There is a small baby at the center of this situation. HE needs to be the priority.
 
Old 03-13-2013, 12:41 PM
 
3,858 posts, read 1,908,666 times
Reputation: 3977
Divorce so you can both find someone
 
Old 03-13-2013, 12:53 PM
 
Location: Long Island, NY
6,128 posts, read 3,848,982 times
Reputation: 5675
Quote:
Originally Posted by kysmommy View Post
Me and my husband have been dating on and off for 9 years, we have been married a year and 3 months & have a 5 month old son. I dont know what to do, im not attracted to him anymore, we dont even sleep in the same room. When we get a sitter for a night out he goes w his friends and i go w mine. When it comes to our son and opinions about things we can never agree on on anythings, theres never a middle. Do you think we should split up? Some ppl may say its selfish because we have a child but i dont think i should be miserable... either way we will both be in our sons life and he will always be taken care of. Help :/!
There's a lot more missing to this. You went from 0-60. Dating on and off for 9 years then after a little over a year you suddenly are not attracted to him anymore? Why marry someone you're dating "on and off for 9 years"? What's your husband's take on this? My husband and I sometimes go out separately but not every time the chance comes up to get a sitter. How long before having your son did you feel that you weren't attracted to your husband anymore? Do you work or stay home? I found that when I first had my daughter I was bitter that he got to go out and go to work while I stayed home. If both of you completely disagree on everything when it comes to your son, whether you split or stay together it's never going to be a healthy situation for your son. Seems you've already made your decision. It doesn't matter what strangers think. You have to do what's BEST for everyone.
 
Old 03-13-2013, 01:00 PM
 
Location: Montreal, Quebec
14,308 posts, read 4,294,908 times
Reputation: 8751
Quote:
It doesn't matter what strangers think. You have to do what's BEST for everyone.
Being stuck in a loveless marriage isn't what's best for everyone. She already said she married him for health insurance. Frankly, I don't see it getting better, especially in light of the fact that he hit her.

Last edited by weltschmerz; 03-13-2013 at 01:14 PM..
 
Old 03-13-2013, 01:03 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,373 posts, read 6,941,784 times
Reputation: 10048
I am also finding it hard to believe that he is a violent cheater. Abuse is something that would have been put in the first post. This happens often - people add new details after the fact only if they face more opposition than they originally expected.
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