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Wow...my story is nearly identical to yours. I haven't dated since a god-awful experience in high school 10 years ago. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. We are admittedly left of the curve regarding dating/sexual experience with our age cohort, but there is time to change that. Keep stepping outside of your comfort zone as that is where change and hope lie. Also, if you haven't already, consider online dating..there tend to be other people like us there that have been out of the dating market for a while. I am in the process of mustering the courage to create an online dating profile myself. I don't really have good advice as my situation is strangely similar to yours but sometimes it helps knowing that we are not alone.
Good luck!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by EclecticEars
This is a long vent...I need it.
I have been dateless for two years. Part of that had to do with moving to a new city across the country and establishing a new life. However, when I do date, I'm always criticized for not having "enough dating experience."
Here's what I'm talking about: "you don't call me soon enough after a date," or "you call too soon." I wait anywhere from two days to one week, depending on how I feel the date went and if I want to go out with this person again. Sure, I can really make 'em laugh for the first few times we see each other and talk, but (and this one I am blaming on the ladies) once they feel "bored," it's immediate splitsville rather than bring more stories or humor from their side. Perhaps it's our instant gratification society, but that's just my experience. And I'll admit that with a few women (not all) that I have tended to dominate the conversations (and I have been changing that!)
I attended a college that, while large, did not have an active social scene. What's more, I lived at home 50 miles away from campus to save money and commuted, working at retail in my hometown. The women in my hometown were truly, honestly taken and dating within the same rotation of guys in the town that practically had no ambition. The women I felt like I even had a shot of connecting with were well out of town so that I could never see them--and it's not like I was close to them in high school, anyway, so why would we have kept in touch with each other after high school?
Not to mention, I was treated like pure crap by so many dates in high school, it wasn't even funny; part of it was I was "too nice" then. But then one girl (prom date) accused me of trying to rape her when I didn't come close to physical/sexual contact with her all night; thankfully, no one else in the school believed her!
Another woman I dated in high school went from Ms. Sweet Christian Church Girl to absolutely no manners, actively calling me up to tell me about her new "hot" romances, then chastising me by quoting the KING JAMES BIBLE when she learned I was dating new women after we broke up. Not to mention, she also laughed at me whenever I mentioned my severed relationship with a mentally ill relative. (Karma: she was put through absolute hell in her next serious relationship after ours, and she's now engaged to a 350 lb. guy who truly is ugly to look at, so lol!)
Now, fast forward to age 27. Starting a new life in California, I have found the people of both genders under age 35 to have some degree of narcissism and arrogance, in general. Translate that to a man meeting a women, and I'm just a guy who works hard, can dress nice, tell good stories (not tall tales), make a woman laugh, and...for what? I've been:
- Led on by two women who turned out to be in active, serious relationships with no intent of leaving those relationships (but they didn't reveal this initially, of course, until I asked them out).
- Absolutely no results on any of the online dating sites I've tried (which I've been on for about two months now). I've probably sent out 30 messages, nothing cheesy, creepy, arrogant or sexual, and was even rudely insulted by one woman in her response.
- One woman I really did like ended up just liking me as a friend--and we're still friendly enough with each other. Bummer, because she offers some great qualities...that she is as of recently sharing with another man. What's more, we work together and I was apprehensive about pursuing her because we work in the same department.
The end result? A 27-year-old virgin. There, I just admitted it.
I've been told by enough women that I am attractive. I don't talk down to people in public. I come across as having a happy, friendly disposition--and I've been told AS SUCH. I keep my life occupied with activities on the weekends--which I mostly do by myself. (As a non-college student, the Bay Area is an incredibly difficult place to meet people, I've found, even though I've gone to plenty of Meetup.com events.) I have good hygiene. I'm starting graduate school in the fall. NONE of these things mean I am QUALIFIED to have a date, I totally realize that.
But...maybe I'm creeping women out. Maybe I'm not aggressive enough. Maybe I need to lose 20 lbs. (which I have already). I'll admit that I've been afraid to approach women since my God-awful experiences in high school--9-10 years ago, but that's how bad they were. I guess you can tell by the "maybes" that my confidence is shot, but I feel like I'm playing a numbers game that benefits women and dries up a man's psyche and monetary resources. From what I've read on here, dating has changed for the worst (more selective overall for both genders) in the last 20 years or so, taking a lot of the fun out of it.
Again, I needed to vent. I'm seeing a psychologist now to try to untangle the web and gain some clarity (and better mental state of mind and more real confidence) in my life. What's a frustrated guy like me to do to improve my disposition? I have a sunny, positive disposition during the day, but I come home at night and feel so empty and bitter. And I'M SICK OF IT! I partially blame me and partially blame "the game."
Much like you I am a nice guy. Women are very curious about meeting a "nice guy", and are sometimes attracted to the mixture of my niceness, my good job, my education etc etc, but then I go and get "friend zoned, end zoned". I too have been told "just stop dating, the right girl will come along when you least expect it".
A person who says this is just trying to be nice. I don't even think they believe what they're telling you. Meanwhile, the good looking guy over there has little to no problem getting women. I'd rather someone be REAL and say that "you may never find the one you're looking for." That "there's someone for everyone" nonsense is just BS.
Have you tried any of the online dating sites? Match.com? Plentyofwackos.com, I mean't PlentyofFish.com, religious groups, meet-up groups, etc. You're 27 for pete's sake, it's not like you're 37. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Good Luck. Get to the gym, summer is approaching.
A person who says this is just trying to be nice. I don't even think they believe what they're telling you. Meanwhile, the good looking guy over there has little to no problem getting women. I'd rather someone be REAL and say that "you may never find the one you're looking for." That "there's someone for everyone" nonsense is just BS.
Yup, it's pure horse-dung, sometimes when folks don't have the answer or they know the answer, its better for them to just keep their trap shut.
Yup, it's pure horse-dung, sometimes when folks don't have the answer or they know the answer, its better for them to just keep their trap shut.
Exactly. If they do have to say something, I'd rather them be realistic than optimistic for the sake of being politically correct-especially when they're not the ones going through it.
Also, you know the saying, "A woman must kiss a lot of frogs before finding her prince?" What would happen if she had no "frogs" except the only one who ever gave her attention? Does that make him "the one." just because he's there? While not definite, that very well could be settling. Now relate this to a man with no prospects trying to find his "queen." When someone finally shows interest in him, does that automatically make her "the one" just because she's there? Anytime I hear someone saying "don't try so hard...she'll come when you least expect it", I think they forget that the guy should also have dated other women to gain experience/knowledge and understanding of how a relationship works. Instead, this almost guarantees him being grateful she's in his life despite how she treats him. That wouldn't be a good relationship. Ask me how I know .
Ferris Bueller said it best about Cameron:
"Cameron has never been in love. At least nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays. And she's gonna treat him like **** because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end all, be all of human existence. She won't respect him. 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. Just doesn't work."
In addition, saying that is almost like saying "don't look for employment...it'll eventually come to you while you're not looking." Yeah, ok.
All I can say is good luck OP. I and many other men are right there with you.
Man the hell up son. You are whining like a 12 year old girl. Grow some testicular fortitude and trudge out there and try with no crazy expectations running through your mind.
I suggest you start exercising and working out to improve yourself. You can gain self confidence from that.
Ditch the VICTIM mentality and take responsibility. Ohh and on a side note, women find men who are responsible as sexy.
I guess everything in your life is not your doing right? You are constantly the victim? MAN UP
Yup.
Speaking generally here...A girl doesn't like you? Move on to the next.
And I also get tired of reading posts, seems like a lot recently, that start "Everyone tells me how good looking and awesome I am, how come I don't get laid on a daily basis?"
To those who say that...get over yourself. The solution is kinda simple...whatever you are doing, you are doing it wrong. Maybe you're not as good looking as everyone says, and your personality is nothing special. Either way, nothing repels a woman like victimization and desperation. As was said, get in good shape, go to social events, don't ask girls "Hey, wanna hang out sometime?", ask a girl to do something you think she'd like to do at a specific time. That means listening to them while they talk (not wondering if they like you or not) and finding out their interests. This will have the duel purpose of determining if she's a good match and enable you to figure out a good spot to go to. Or invite her to an event you are going to. A lot of times women want to see how a guy acts in their own environment. It could be as simple as "I'm going to a bar to watch March Madness, wanna come meet me at 4:00?"
Anyway, these woe-is-me posts keep popping up. I get it that it's hard to meet someone. But 100 times out of 100 IRL the guys who complain are the ones who don't put themselves out there, or do so once or twice awkwardly, then paint themselves as some victim. As I've always said, people I know who are successful in dating don't require validation or overthink things. They just give it a shot and let the chips fall where they may.
Anyway, these woe-is-me posts keep popping up. I get it that it's hard to meet someone. But 100 times out of 100 IRL the guys who complain are the ones who don't put themselves out there, or do so once or twice awkwardly, then paint themselves as some victim. As I've always said, people I know who are successful in dating don't require validation or overthink things. They just give it a shot and let the chips fall where they may.
^ That, or they themselves are chased by the women and give into it, because "hey, what guy in their right mind would pass up on dessert?"
Exactly. If they do have to say something, I'd rather them be realistic than optimistic for the sake of being politically correct-especially when they're not the ones going through it.
Also, you know the saying, "A woman must kiss a lot of frogs before finding her prince?" What would happen if she had no "frogs" except the only one who ever gave her attention? Does that make him "the one." just because he's there? While not definite, that very well could be settling. Now relate this to a man with no prospects trying to find his "queen." When someone finally shows interest in him, does that automatically make her "the one" just because she's there? Anytime I hear someone saying "don't try so hard...she'll come when you least expect it", I think they forget that the guy should also have dated other women to gain experience/knowledge and understanding of how a relationship works. Instead, this almost guarantees him being grateful she's in his life despite how she treats him. That wouldn't be a good relationship. Ask me how I know .
Ferris Bueller said it best about Cameron:
"Cameron has never been in love. At least nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays. And she's gonna treat him like **** because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end all, be all of human existence. She won't respect him. 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. Just doesn't work."
In addition, saying that is almost like saying "don't look for employment...it'll eventually come to you while you're not looking." Yeah, ok.
All I can say is good luck OP. I and many other men are right there with you.
Well..the thing with employment is that if you aren't looking literally nothing will happen unless a friend will give a job to you on a silver platter. Dating is slightly different in that women can sense if you're looking and they dislike that. A hiring manager doesn't really care why you want to be at that company, they really just want someone with a specific skill set who will bring in profit. Either you fit the profile or you don't. There's no such thing as desperation in a job setting- that's just called hunger. The harder you work the better you do, ostensibly, barring prejudices and politics in the office. Women however, find tryharding unattractive. You have to put in effort without making it look like you put in any effort.
I would focus on young professional women as opposed to college girls. It's sounds bad, but once women star their careers they often feel like everyone around them is married and having kids and they feel pressure to get married and start a family. Obviously this is a generalization, but I have found that young professionals are much more realistic than college girls.
Another thing to think about is how hard are you really trying? I've seen in many cases guys get really down on themselves for never being able to find a GF when by all outward appearances they really aren't putting themselves out there. Get out of your comfort zone. Go somewhere besides a barber shop to get a hair cut. Go to a department store or men's clothing store and have someone there help find you clothes (and trust them even if you don't like the clothes). Then force yourself to go out a night or two every week and drink at the bar. I would recommend fairly nicer restaurants with a nice bar. Drinking will help you to loosen up and initiate conversations.
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, I mean't PlentyofFish.com, religious groups, meet-up groups, etc. You're 27 for pete's sake, it's not like you're 37
