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Old 03-29-2013, 02:19 PM
 
18 posts, read 24,125 times
Reputation: 40
Default How do I process her past behavior?

My fiancee and I have known each other for over three years. We got engaged last year. My story is sad really and I did not see it coming.

Basically, my fiancee is not the person I thought she was. Last week she and I attended her college reunion. Originally, I was not going to be able to go with her given certain timing conflicts, but I changed my schedule so I could accompany her. I thought she'd be happy about that but instead she seemed edgy. It was a red flag that I didn't catch at the time

Sad story short, on the second night there we were at one of the parties and were having a rollicking time drinking with her old college friends. It "came to light" that during her time there she was a "regular" at a fraternity that her sorority was "friendly" with. Basically, she's been with many many guys.

When I brought this up the next day, sober and shocked, she said that it didn't really count because she "just went down on them." How many guys? She didn't want to answer but finally admitted that it was in the 35 range.

When we had the "sex talk" early on in our relationship, there was no mention (or the tiniest hint of mention) of any of this. I just can't process this or figure it out.

What I'm looking for here is an objective view on all this. How does a woman rationalize this to herself, let alone rationalize lying about it to her fiance? How am I supposed to feel and how am I supposed to react?

 
Old 03-29-2013, 02:27 PM
 
Location: US
5,148 posts, read 5,270,822 times
Reputation: 5137
Watch "Clerks". Then decide.

I wouldn't want my brother dating someone like that though.
 
Old 03-29-2013, 02:28 PM
 
179 posts, read 157,157 times
Reputation: 166
We all do stupid things when we're young and dumb. How does that change who she is now? Maybe she was too embarrassed to bring it up? Maybe she didn't want you to judge her then like you are now. I say let it go. Clearly she has matured since then.
 
Old 03-29-2013, 02:33 PM
 
5,074 posts, read 2,568,128 times
Reputation: 5309
Quote:
Originally Posted by Todd2013 View Post
My fiancee and I have known each other for over three years. We got engaged last year. My story is sad really and I did not see it coming.

Basically, my fiancee is not the person I thought she was. Last week she and I attended her college reunion. Originally, I was not going to be able to go with her given certain timing conflicts, but I changed my schedule so I could accompany her. I thought she'd be happy about that but instead she seemed edgy. It was a red flag that I didn't catch at the time

Sad story short, on the second night there we were at one of the parties and were having a rollicking time drinking with her old college friends. It "came to light" that during her time there she was a "regular" at a fraternity that her sorority was "friendly" with. Basically, she's been with many many guys.

When I brought this up the next day, sober and shocked, she said that it didn't really count because she "just went down on them." How many guys? She didn't want to answer but finally admitted that it was in the 35 range.

When we had the "sex talk" early on in our relationship, there was no mention (or the tiniest hint of mention) of any of this. I just can't process this or figure it out.

What I'm looking for here is an objective view on all this. How does a woman rationalize this to herself, let alone rationalize lying about it to her fiance? How am I supposed to feel and how am I supposed to react?
WHy do you care? Assuming all this took place well before you knew her, its really none of your business. If you wanted to marry a virgin, you should have been upfront about it. Many attractive young women have had way more than 35, they just like to round that nuber down for social reasons.
 
Old 03-29-2013, 02:34 PM
 
18 posts, read 24,125 times
Reputation: 40
You know what? I feel lied to and taken for a fool.

It doesn't exactly feel all that special being #36
 
Old 03-29-2013, 02:35 PM
 
Location: Nevernever land
2,610 posts, read 2,019,608 times
Reputation: 4381
I can't believe she would do that to you. Where does she live? I'll go talk to her for ya. Dm me her address and we'll get to the bottom of this. Hopefully it will help me, err- you. I know right now you must be thinking, "you're so kind". What can I say, that's what I do.
 
Old 03-29-2013, 02:38 PM
 
Location: Florida
2,301 posts, read 4,143,123 times
Reputation: 2250
Quote:
Originally Posted by Opsimathia View Post
Watch "Clerks". Then decide.

I wouldn't want my brother dating someone like that though.
It says I can't rep you again yet, but "Clerks" was the first thing I thought of, too.

OP, your girlfriend is obviously embarrassed by her past, which I'm guessing is why she was uneasy with you coming to the reunion. She figured it might come to light. To me, that says she's a different person now.

Still, I don't know if I could keep kissing those lips having the specific knowledge that they were wrapped around 35 different knobs over a four year period. It's hypocritical for me to say that, because learning and studying certainly wasn't the only way I was "gaining head" in college, but it's the truth.

That's why I don't discuss sexual pasts when I start dating someone, mine or hers. It just saves a lot of grief. But in your case, unfortunately, the cat is out of the bag. Now you just have to decide if it's something you can be comfortable living with and knowing. If not, it's 100% your right to sever ties and move on.
 
Old 03-29-2013, 02:41 PM
 
5,074 posts, read 2,568,128 times
Reputation: 5309
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pimpy View Post
It says I can't rep you again yet, but "Clerks" was the first thing I thought of, too.

OP, your girlfriend is obviously embarrassed by her past, which I'm guessing is why she was uneasy with you coming to the reunion. She figured it might come to light. To me, that says she's a different person now.

Still, I don't know if I could keep kissing those lips having the specific knowledge that they were wrapped around 35 different knobs over a four year period. It's hypocritical for me to say that, because learning and studying certainly wasn't the only way I was "gaining head" in college, but it's the truth.

That's why I don't discuss sexual pasts when I start dating someone, mine or hers. It just saves a lot of grief. But in your case, unfortunately, the cat is out of the bag. Now you just have to decide if it's something you can be comfortable living with and knowing. If not, it's 100% your right to sever ties and move on.
It is not hypocritical, if you understand the real differences between men and women and how our society sees promiscuity for each gender. It is not a coincidence, that when asked about the number of past sexual partners, women round down and men round up. A female **** is an equivalent of a male virgin.
 
Old 03-29-2013, 02:42 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
742 posts, read 769,199 times
Reputation: 314
Quote:
Originally Posted by glamgal198 View Post
We all do stupid things when we're young and dumb. How does that change who she is now? Maybe she was too embarrassed to bring it up? Maybe she didn't want you to judge her then like you are now. I say let it go. Clearly she has matured since then.
I agree!!
 
Old 03-29-2013, 02:42 PM
 
Location: NY
6,098 posts, read 5,071,068 times
Reputation: 6559
First is step back and relax a bit. There have to be a ton of reasons why the two of you have been happily together and have been married for some time!

Now, there may be all kinds of reasons she was not up front about it. I bet the number one is judgement. Society and men do judge women for the numbers of their partners. Maybe she was afraid your reaction would be exactly what it is!

Now, I am not saying you shouldn't feel hurt. She was trying to not give full discolusue when you had a talk about sexual pasts, in the past.

That said, there is no reason not to feel special. This woman obviously loves you and is choosing to enter into marriage with you. Not someone else. Not one of 35 someone elses. Her heart is with you, and that is a special thing!

My wife was active in her college years... and she eventually did admit that to me on her own (I did not pressure her). It doesn't bother me. Why? I think she is an amazing woman, and part of who she is consists of the road she came down to become the person she is.

If this remains a big issue for you, then you and your fiancee may want to seek some further counseling on it to work it out. I do not think this is something you should let come between the two of you, since what is important is how the two of you are with each other now, and not some of the baggage you carried into your relationship.
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