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One I havent talked to since the breakup. Neither of us have made an effort over the last almost 8 years to reconnect.
Im not sure how frequent the rate of clean breakups are. Usually they go back and talk for a bit, get back together, ****, etc. and let it fade.
Literally, since the day it ended, neither one of us have made contact since. Going on almost 8 years. I think thats pretty rare for both to respect the no contact rule.
Well, sure. I only have ONE in over thirty years where I'd be fine if I never ran into him, saw his face, or heard his voice again. But, yeah, if EVERYONE who has ever been involved with a person has somehow "wronged" them, that's a disturbing pattern for any number of reasons.
I have one that conned me out of money and I hope I never see him again. I have run into exes where we broke up but not in a bad way and we stopped to chat. One particular ex was with his wife and we talked a bit. I don't keep in touch with this one but just because we went our separate ways.
I have one that conned me out of money and I hope I never see him again. I have run into exes where we broke up but not in a bad way and we stopped to chat. One particular ex was with his wife and we talked a bit. I don't keep in touch with this one but just because we went our separate ways.
Yep, I have guys I dated in my twenties where we parted with no animosity...situations where we dated for a little bit, it never got serious, and we mutually decided it wasn't really happening. We're now friendly, in the sense that if I "see" one online, or they see me, we might have a "how's it going" conversation where we talk about what's going on in our lives, marriages/relationships, family, and it's friendly-acquantancy enough. We don't seek one another out for deep friendship, and I now live hundreds of miles from all those guys, but if the occasion presents itself to chit chat, like if I'm home visiting family and run into them at a restaurant (small town), it wouldn't be awkward, it would be very "Hey, how's it going."
These, however, aren't relationships in which either of us invested a significant amount of time, energy, love, trust, etc. They were fairly non-serious. When someone you've been in a long-term, serious, committed cohabiting relationship for years pulls the rug out from under you abruptly and does some things that show you that your trust and affection for years had been totally misplaced, that's an entirely different type of situation than "Oh, that's a guy I used to date, we went our separate ways pretty early on, but he's okay."
The way that I see it, is that if a person was important enough to keep in your life for significant time, they are probably important enough to continue keeping in your life.
The raising of the flags is because I wonder how someone you were intimate with for an extended time suddenly becomes persona non grata
This is my feeling as well.
The one I don't talk to is someone I realized is not a good person. It took me some time to realize that. And I saw firsthand from 'the inside' that she was a crappy friend to her friends.
The other one I don't talk to chooses not to talk to me. I would LOVE to be friends with her. We were together for SEVEN years. That was almost a quarter of my life at that point.
I lived with my ex for five years and never thought at any point during our relationship that he was a bad person. I did know, and came increasingly to know, that he was a badly damaged and wounded person. I still don't know that I think he is a bad person, but I do now know that he is not only capable of extreme cruelty to others and of inflicting serious damage on others, I have firsthand experience of him choosing to do so. I can't respect that, and whether or not that makes him a "bad person," it does make him a person who it is better not to have in my life. I may have misjudged that a person with so many problems was a good person to have in my life in the first place, but compassion and caring for him won out, when perhaps I should have backed away earlier on, as more and more became apparent. And to be fair, many of his issues were not wholly apparent until well enough into the relationship. I did learn a lot about under what circumstances cutting and running is the sensible choice, though, if there is a dimly silver lining to the whole situation.
The way that I see it, is that if a person was important enough to keep in your life for significant time, they are probably important enough to continue keeping in your life.
The raising of the flags is because I wonder how someone you were intimate with for an extended time suddenly becomes persona non grata
I agree as well. It's a reflection of how healthy or dysfunctional our past relationships were and it can be telling. That's not to say that people don't fade out of our lives. It's natural for that to happen.
It also happens that sometimes we end up with dysfunctional people in our lives without realizing (or being realistic about) the extent of their dysfunction early on. I know that prior to my previous relationship, I had zero experience with having a relationship with someone with emotional problems, and legitimately didn't know what warning signs should be heeded, or even what were warning signs of a legitimate disorder versus just quirks. You live and learn. I know for sure that I will never put myself in the same such situation again with anybody with similar issues, now that I know the warning signs.
I would hate it if my now-SO, a wonderful, emotionally stable man, had written me off as somehow defective simply because my previous relationship was with a person who turned out to have emotional problems. I had only a history of healthy relationships with stable people prior to that relationship. If I misjudged the depth of my ex's problems, it was out of caring and compassion, and hopefulness that he was on a course of taking the responsibility for seeing to his own needs (he did do therapy for a while, then abandoned it, which was when I started seeing the handwriting on the wall) , not out of a flaw or instability in me.
Fortunately, not everyone is poised to judge you by a past relationship, or the type of person you were with in just one instance. One relationship that went bad does not a pattern make. And knowing that it's better not to have contact with a person who caused harm does not make you damaged goods. Rather, promoting contact with a person who caused harm could be the red flag. Sometimes, people exit your life for very good reasons.
Why does it matter if you're Facebook friends with your ex if you're not really going to talk to them?
It doesn't. I got rid of all of mine. Once I break up with someone, I'm done with him.
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