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Sorry this is such a lengthy post, as usual. (I like details.) Feel free to skim...
So, things are progressing slowly but surely with the guy I’ve been dating (and posting about) for the past few months. We saw each other twice this past week, and I finally made a “communication breakthrough” with him.
We got together last Wednesday after work (like we do almost every week). That night was a rainstorm, so we decided to order in food (from the Indian restaurant where we originally planned to go) and watch Jeopardy re-runs. (It sounds nerdy, but it’s become “our thing” to watch and play against each other.)
We talked about things to do on future dates - he suggested a couple different restaurants, going to play trivia, and checking out a punk show, and I suggested a day at the city conservatory, since I know he loves gardening. Obviously, this was a good sign that he wants to continue seeing me.
So, I went ahead and told him, “I really like what we have and where this is going.” (He responded that he felt the same way.) Then I said, “I know you’re pretty busy, but I’d really like to see more of you, especially on weekends.” Right away, he told me he was free Saturday night, and we made plans for another date.
Saturday, he took me for dinner at a nice restaurant, then we met up with some of his friends. (I’ve met a few of them before, and he introduced me to a couple more.) They already knew a lot about me, and he kept talking about me to them - “She’s super smart... She kicks a-- at trivia... She reads tons of books... She was a political science major in college....”
The entire night, we got along great and had no trouble talking (no more awkward silences, like before). I stayed at his place Saturday night, and in the morning we went out for breakfast/brunch. I asked him about his upcoming work week, and when he said he didn’t think it’d be too busy, I let him know I wanted to see him again during the week. He promised to call (well, text) me again in a couple days.
Basically, I’m happy with the way things are going, and finally feel more secure and comfortable being with him. His friends like me, and I’m spending more time with him and making future plans. So, here’s my next question...
I’m cool with seeing him 2x per week... but in between, it still seems like we don’t communicate much. We “talk” mainly by texting. (Neither of us are big “phone talkers” and really only “call” our families. With friends, we both typically talk via text message. So, this doesn’t bother me about him, or vice versa.) Usually, he’ll text me to make plans, we’ll “chat” about our week a bit, then set a date and time.
At this point, I’d like to be able to just text him to see how he’s doing, without expectations about WHEN we’ll see each other again. I tried yesterday, but our conversation fell flat pretty quickly. (I’d left some stuff - hairbrush and makeup - at his place, and wanted to let him know.) It was Monday, so I figured he was busy at work, and left him alone after a few back-and-forth messages. We don't have trouble talking when we're together, but the contact between dates still feels awkward.
Honestly, I’m worried about coming on too strong. I’m not some needy chick who requires constant contact, but I want to make more of an effort to talk to him regularly. I know this should be a no-brainer, but I’m still nervous and a little unsure how to assert myself to him without coming across as clingy...
Any advice? Guys especially... What do you consider “too much communication” versus a girl seeming disconnected or disinterested? I’ve realized that I need to speak up more to get what I want from this guy, but don’t want to overdo it because the relationship is still pretty new. Thanks in advance!
The best way to handle this is to not over think it and let things flow naturally. In time both of you will find your communication comfort zone between dates.
There is no rule for it, and I don't like that people think there are rules for this. Dating is to find a compatible person for you, not to turn yourself in to another person.
I like to text a LOT, when I first started really dating I used to get caught up in things like "not appearing too desperate" "make her work a little bit" those kind of things. They're all stupid because it's not what I like. Instead what I do, is simply what I like. If I meet a girl, I text her a lot and expect the same in return. If she doesn't like that, or doesn't .. I simply move on.
I have certainly put off girls by texting too much, and have certainly had girls thinking "this guy must be desperate". I don't care whatsoever.. because I'm not desperate.
Find someone who matches you, do what you want and don't compromise it. That's how you can be happy in the dating field.
If I really like the girl, I don't think you can have too much communication. In the beginning you are getting to know each other, and as time goes on, the communication will naturally taper off. If I don't really like the person, or vice versa, it's very easy to come off as too much communication. You just feel out the communication and see where you fall in at.
I always hate the line "if he/she likes you she'll make time". As someone whose schedule is absolutely insane, I can attest that regardless of how much I like someone, I really don't have time to hang out or even text/call Mon-Friday.
I get that sometimes people use their schedule as a way to keep people interested while they really do have the time. However, some people are validly busy.
I'd relax. Twice a week on the weekends is fine at the few month mark.
Don't worry about it. If he likes you and wants to spend time with you and enjoys hearing from you, he won't see you as needy for maintaining contact. He might not have the time/inclination to randomly drop you a line as often (and you shouldn't take it as a slap in the face, per se), but if he likes you, you're not likely to come on too strong with what you're describing.
Many guys are challenged in the subtlety department, and even if you think you might be perceived as coming on too strong, odds are, they're not seeing it that way - guys don't typically overanalyze such things the same way women are conditioned to. If a guy is finding you to be coming on too strong, it's likely that it's due to him not actually being that interested (and it doesn't sound like that's the case).
Many people are 10+ years behind in developing their social skills. Important skills that include reading and sending nonverbal cues and talking to another person. If you have the time and patience to wait for him to learn, then keep at it and keep telling him what you want. If you don't have the patience, then dump him and move on.
I always hate the line "if he/she likes you she'll make time". As someone whose schedule is absolutely insane, I can attest that regardless of how much I like someone, I really don't have time to hang out or even text/call Mon-Friday.
I get that sometimes people use their schedule as a way to keep people interested while they really do have the time. However, some people are validly busy.
I'd relax. Twice a week on the weekends is fine at the few month mark.
What do yu do that doesn't even allow texting throughout the week? That just doesn't make any sense to me.
I'm a ridiculously busy guy, and understand people live busy lives. I don't expect weekday dates at all, but if she can't find time to even text me thoughout the week.. something is up in my eyes.
Thanks everyone, for the advice, though I'm still skittish about texting him too much...
Here's my next question... I told him I wanted to see him this week. He said he shouldn't be too busy at work, and would contact me in a "couple days." It's now Wednesday afternoon, and I haven't heard from him... I want to text him, but I'm afraid of seeming pushy... Should I initiate contact or wait for him to make the next move?
Personally, I don't think it's pushy/needy/clingy to text once or twice a day if only just to say "Hi" or "Just thinking about you." I also don't think it's a big deal to go a couple of days w/o hearing from each other at all. I hate it when I feel I must text/call someone otherwise I'd be hurting their feelings.
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