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Yesterday, I posted a thread about talking and communicating with the guy I’ve been dating. We’re finally getting comfortable with each other, and he has been receptive toward my requests and suggestions (i.e. seeing each other more often, discussing future dates, etc.) I want to be able to “just talk” more often ... and I’m realizing, maybe I’M the one who’s being too closed-off. There’s a lot about myself that I haven’t discussed with him, because I wasn’t sure where the relationship was going. Now that I’m feeling more confident about it, I’m ready to open up to him ... I’m just afraid of scaring him off ... I’m naturally a more closed-off person, and it takes me awhile to build trust and friendships with other people. I also have some aspects of my past that I’m still struggling with, and I’ve been afraid to discuss these issues with him.
He’s completely drama-free and 100% holds his sh*t together. He has a great job (worked at the same place since graduating college), owns a nice condo, has a healthy relationship with his family, has tons of friends (most of whom he’s known since childhood), is mature and responsible, but still knows how to live life and have a great time. He’s had relationships before, but hasn’t brought up any ex-drama, and told me it’s “been awhile” since he last had a girlfriend.
Typically, we go out in his neighborhood when we’re together. He lives closer to downtown Chicago than I do, and there are more fun places to go in his community. Usually, we meet up after work and head toward his neighborhood, then go out for dinner/drinks and chill at his place afterwards. When we go out on weekends, I take the train from my neighborhood (8 miles away, on the city border) and he picks me up at the train station near his place. I usually stay overnight, then we’ll have coffee & breakfast, and he’ll bring me back to the train station.
I’ve only had him over to my apartment one time, and that was after our first date (back at the end of December) when he drove me home. My apartment is decent, but it’s not nearly as nice as his place, and my neighborhood is pretty boring and far-removed from the city. I’ve mentioned him coming over a couple times, but it hasn’t happened yet. It’s much more convenient and fun to go to his neighborhood.
Also, I’ve met several of his friends, but he hasn’t met any of mine yet. My friends are kind of scattered throughout the city and suburbs, whereas most of his friends live near him. Also, because I didn’t grow up in Chicago (like he did), I haven’t known my friends as long as he’s known his... and I don’t hang out with mine as often. (I’ll get together with a friend or two maybe 1x per week, whereas he hangs out with his friends almost every day.)
So, right away, there’s two big issues I need to address... (1) inviting him to my place, and (2) him meeting my friends. Moreover, though, there are some aspects of my past that I want to be able to discuss with him, but I’m afraid to bring up...
1.) He knows that my parents are divorced, that I grew up with my mom, and that I have a half-brother that I occasionally speak to, but am not close to. What he doesn’t know is that I have a crappy, semi-estranged relationship with my father, and that my half-brother is a recovering drug addict. I haven’t seen my dad or brother in 10+ years, and I don’t particularly care about having a relationship with them. My brother and I recently started talking again (he has been clean for a year and is back in college), but it’s more an occasional text message or email. I brought this up to the guy I’m dating once during a dinner conversation, but haven’t discussed it much since... because I don’t really want to discuss my a-hole father and loser brother...
2.) My mom has major financial and emotional issues. I love her, but she’s an albatross around my neck, because I’m constantly bailing her out. She’s got no money, and stays with me off-and-on when she’s between jobs (she works as a live-in caregiver for an elderly woman). Obviously, this makes having friends over difficult for me, because it seems like my mom is ALWAYS at my place. I haven’t told him that she stays with me yet, because well, I don’t want to admit that I live with my mother... even though SHE’S the one with issues, not me. (FYI, I wrote a long thread about my mom’s issues in the Non-Romantic Relationship thread, so I won’t go into further detail here.)
3.) Until a year ago, I was in a long-term relationship. We haven’t discussed exes, per se, and I’ve only mentioned my ex-boyfriend in passing. (Just as he’s mentioned ex-girlfriends in passing.) I was with my ex for 4 years, and although things ended drama-free, I’m nervous to admit that I was in a LTR for so long, and have only been single a year. (I’ve dated a couple other guys between my ex and him, but he’s the first one I’m legitimately interested in pursuing a relationship with.)
4.) I’m kind of... well, poor. I make $40k per year as a legal assistant, and I’m able to pay my bills, but my standard of living is MUCH more modest than his. (He comes from a wealthy family and makes more than twice what I do.) This is the main reason I’m nervous about inviting him to my place... because it kind of SUCKS compared to his place, and I don’t want to make it obvious that I don’t have much money. It’s not like I’m poor white trash - I’m able to live frugally but comfortably, and I’m a well-groomed, educated, professional woman - I’m just embarrassed by how little I have compared to him. I’ve never dated a “rich” guy before and it’s intimidating as hell...
I really like this guy, and deep down I believe I can make things work with him by taking it slowly and building trust and friendship... but I’m somewhat ashamed and afraid to admit these things about myself to him... However, I realize that I need to start broaching these topics with him as our relationship progresses, in order to build trust. I’m also concerned that he may perceive my closed-off, reserved attitude and me not revealing anything about myself, as me being disinterested in him... which couldn’t be further from the truth!
Any advice on how to go about discussing these things with him? Thanks, as always!
He's drama free, right?
Slow down and take a deep breath if you really like this guy.
Men will run away from drama.
Just slow down and take time to get the guy before you dump all this on his plate.
well we all have our insecurities. Sometimes, you just have to take chances. Sharing your true emotions and opening yourself up to another human being will bring you closer to the person (If he is the right person)
Just be brave, tell him the things you posted here, he would at least appreciate the honesty.
Yesterday, I posted a thread about talking and communicating with the guy I’ve been dating. We’re finally getting comfortable with each other, and he has been receptive toward my requests and suggestions (i.e. seeing each other more often, discussing future dates, etc.) I want to be able to “just talk” more often ... and I’m realizing, maybe I’M the one who’s being too closed-off. There’s a lot about myself that I haven’t discussed with him, because I wasn’t sure where the relationship was going. Now that I’m feeling more confident about it, I’m ready to open up to him ... I’m just afraid of scaring him off ... I’m naturally a more closed-off person, and it takes me awhile to build trust and friendships with other people. I also have some aspects of my past that I’m still struggling with, and I’ve been afraid to discuss these issues with him.
He’s completely drama-free and 100% holds his sh*t together. He has a great job (worked at the same place since graduating college), owns a nice condo, has a healthy relationship with his family, has tons of friends (most of whom he’s known since childhood), is mature and responsible, but still knows how to live life and have a great time. He’s had relationships before, but hasn’t brought up any ex-drama, and told me it’s “been awhile” since he last had a girlfriend.
Typically, we go out in his neighborhood when we’re together. He lives closer to downtown Chicago than I do, and there are more fun places to go in his community. Usually, we meet up after work and head toward his neighborhood, then go out for dinner/drinks and chill at his place afterwards. When we go out on weekends, I take the train from my neighborhood (8 miles away, on the city border) and he picks me up at the train station near his place. I usually stay overnight, then we’ll have coffee & breakfast, and he’ll bring me back to the train station.
I’ve only had him over to my apartment one time, and that was after our first date (back at the end of December) when he drove me home. My apartment is decent, but it’s not nearly as nice as his place, and my neighborhood is pretty boring and far-removed from the city. I’ve mentioned him coming over a couple times, but it hasn’t happened yet. It’s much more convenient and fun to go to his neighborhood.
Also, I’ve met several of his friends, but he hasn’t met any of mine yet. My friends are kind of scattered throughout the city and suburbs, whereas most of his friends live near him. Also, because I didn’t grow up in Chicago (like he did), I haven’t known my friends as long as he’s known his... and I don’t hang out with mine as often. (I’ll get together with a friend or two maybe 1x per week, whereas he hangs out with his friends almost every day.)
So, right away, there’s two big issues I need to address... (1) inviting him to my place, and (2) him meeting my friends. Moreover, though, there are some aspects of my past that I want to be able to discuss with him, but I’m afraid to bring up...
1.) He knows that my parents are divorced, that I grew up with my mom, and that I have a half-brother that I occasionally speak to, but am not close to. What he doesn’t know is that I have a crappy, semi-estranged relationship with my father, and that my half-brother is a recovering drug addict. I haven’t seen my dad or brother in 10+ years, and I don’t particularly care about having a relationship with them. My brother and I recently started talking again (he has been clean for a year and is back in college), but it’s more an occasional text message or email. I brought this up to the guy I’m dating once during a dinner conversation, but haven’t discussed it much since... because I don’t really want to discuss my a-hole father and loser brother...
2.) My mom has major financial and emotional issues. I love her, but she’s an albatross around my neck, because I’m constantly bailing her out. She’s got no money, and stays with me off-and-on when she’s between jobs (she works as a live-in caregiver for an elderly woman). Obviously, this makes having friends over difficult for me, because it seems like my mom is ALWAYS at my place. I haven’t told him that she stays with me yet, because well, I don’t want to admit that I live with my mother... even though SHE’S the one with issues, not me. (FYI, I wrote a long thread about my mom’s issues in the Non-Romantic Relationship thread, so I won’t go into further detail here.)
3.) Until a year ago, I was in a long-term relationship. We haven’t discussed exes, per se, and I’ve only mentioned my ex-boyfriend in passing. (Just as he’s mentioned ex-girlfriends in passing.) I was with my ex for 4 years, and although things ended drama-free, I’m nervous to admit that I was in a LTR for so long, and have only been single a year. (I’ve dated a couple other guys between my ex and him, but he’s the first one I’m legitimately interested in pursuing a relationship with.)
4.) I’m kind of... well, poor. I make $40k per year as a legal assistant, and I’m able to pay my bills, but my standard of living is MUCH more modest than his. (He comes from a wealthy family and makes more than twice what I do.) This is the main reason I’m nervous about inviting him to my place... because it kind of SUCKS compared to his place, and I don’t want to make it obvious that I don’t have much money. It’s not like I’m poor white trash - I’m able to live frugally but comfortably, and I’m a well-groomed, educated, professional woman - I’m just embarrassed by how little I have compared to him. I’ve never dated a “rich” guy before and it’s intimidating as hell...
I really like this guy, and deep down I believe I can make things work with him by taking it slowly and building trust and friendship... but I’m somewhat ashamed and afraid to admit these things about myself to him... However, I realize that I need to start broaching these topics with him as our relationship progresses, in order to build trust. I’m also concerned that he may perceive my closed-off, reserved attitude and me not revealing anything about myself, as me being disinterested in him... which couldn’t be further from the truth!
Any advice on how to go about discussing these things with him? Thanks, as always!
Sounds like you don't quite feel safe with him as you wish you could.
I'd hold off on sharing more personal information you hold close to your heart.
Be yourself, but self-disclose only at the level you feel comfortable with.
If you're having doubts, I'd go with that, because you don't want to be hurt even more when you put yourself out there, and the feelings are not totally reciprocated the same way.
Mutuality is key. Feeling restricted is not a good sign of relationship compatibility.
No reason to even bring any of it up in my opinion, the past is the past and cannot be changed no matter how many times you discuss it with anyone. From the sounds of it this man that you are seeing likes a drama free life and I would keep it that way for him. He was not involved in your childhood or any of that mess and there is no real need for him to know about it unless you decide to go bat poo crazy at some point, then you might want to explain a wee bit.
The shame you feel won't go away until you make friends with yourself. It sounds like you've also never been around people with whom you feel secure enough to reveal yourself. We often pick the stories we tell ourselves to explain how we think we are. Unhappy and happy stories are highly selective to reinforce our own self image Is there any way for you to change your story to a happier one? I would work on sharing the parts on my story that are happy and acting these parts out.
You're fine, your problems don't even sound like serious problems. I don't know your age, but 40k a year isn't that bad. You're not rich but it's a respectable income, that with budgeting will allow enough to save a significant amount.
Speaking for myself, and most likely for others.. baggage/drama is not what you bring, but how you react and deal with it. Remember that all problems are fixable, things will always get better and there's a way out of everything. Keep that attitude and you'll never have to worry about bringing drama to a relationship.
Talking about your issues, in my opinion isn't necessary. Share your problems when you want to, they are yours.. just don't lash out and use your issues as an excuse for poor behaivor.
Good luck with everything, tomorrow is always better.
You do not have to offer your life history all at once. However, you cannot live in fear of his judgement of your past either, if you want to keep building a relationship with him. Your past isn't going to disappear, and the more you get to know him, the more of it and how it has affected you will come out.
Do not be aloof, closed off, etc. If he asks something, answer it. If you two have real chemisty and a growing relationship, I bet he will be understanding and supportive of you.
If he isn't, would you want to be with him anyway?
You don't have anything to be ashamed of, and you don't have to share anything you don't want to. I doubt that he is without any skeletons in his closet. Some people have whole cemetaries in their closet. Plus it's not like you come from a family of serial killers. These are standard, uh, issues.
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