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So, I remember I opened this thread over a year ago asking for advice on my coming out. I received a lot of advice from people here and it really helped me. Especially JrzDefector's one. Big thanks!
Let me just put you up to date on my current situation...feel free to add more advice or comment on something and excuse me for my English (Afrikaner here!). If you haven't read my story, you may go back to the previous page.
Okay, I just turned 20 in July, and right after my birthday, I opened an account on this dating website called Badoo. So, I started chatting with this guy right, and after a few exchanges he tells me he's Norwegian and that he used to live here in South Africa back in 2010. He said he liked me and asked for my number. A few nights later he called me from Norway and we started to get to know each other. I learned that he is 40 and single, he has a sister and he works for a Norwegian NGO in Oslo. For the past weeks we have Skyped, exchanged pictures, whatsapp, we have shared a lot of stories and stuff. He has called me many times from Norway.
Until now everything is well right, but things started to get really awkward a week ago when he called me in the middle of the night to say he thinks he's starting to develop strong feelings for me and is becoming attached even though we haven't met yet and he also wants to come to South Africa next year to see me. :-0 Dude even asked me if there's gay marriage here to which I replied "yes". (Don't know what he meant by that question). :?
You might be asking yourself what the problem is, right? Well, this is all new to me. I have never had someone doing and saying all this stuff to me. Like never ever ever. I have dated a few boys now but it wasn't this serious. He is really attached and dropped the "L" bomb on me earlier this week.
I like him. He's handsome (wow), successful and has a nice personality but I am not really head over heels for him yet. And I have a hard time trusting people (especially people I never met in person).
I know you guys are not psychologists or dating experts or coaches but any imput from you will be welcome. And once again, thanks for yout time.
So, I remember I opened this thread over a year ago asking for advice on my coming out. I received a lot of advice from people here and it really helped me. Especially JrzDefector's one. Big thanks!
Let me just put you up to date on my current situation...feel free to add more advice or comment on something and excuse me for my English (Afrikaner here!). If you haven't read my story, you may go back to the previous page.
Okay, I just turned 20 in July, and right after my birthday, I opened an account on this dating website called Badoo. So, I started chatting with this guy right, and after a few exchanges he tells me he's Norwegian and that he used to live here in South Africa back in 2010. He said he liked me and asked for my number. A few nights later he called me from Norway and we started to get to know each other. I learned that he is 40 and single, he has a sister and he works for a Norwegian NGO in Oslo. For the past weeks we have Skyped, exchanged pictures, whatsapp, we have shared a lot of stories and stuff. He has called me many times from Norway.
Until now everything is well right, but things started to get really awkward a week ago when he called me in the middle of the night to say he thinks he's starting to develop strong feelings for me and is becoming attached even though we haven't met yet and he also wants to come to South Africa next year to see me. :-0 Dude even asked me if there's gay marriage here to which I replied "yes". (Don't know what he meant by that question). :?
You might be asking yourself what the problem is, right? Well, this is all new to me. I have never had someone doing and saying all this stuff to me. Like never ever ever. I have dated a few boys now but it wasn't this serious. He is really attached and dropped the "L" bomb on me earlier this week.
I like him. He's handsome (wow), successful and has a nice personality but I am not really head over heels for him yet. And I have a hard time trusting people (especially people I never met in person).
I know you guys are not psychologists or dating experts or coaches but any imput from you will be welcome. And once again, thanks for yout time.
He wanted to know if same sex marriage is legal in South Africa. I believe that it's the first nation in Africa that legalized same sex marriage, although gays still face a great deal of discrimination there.
As far as your new friend goes, just tell him the truth...that he's coming on a little too strong and it's making you uncomfortable. If he's a decant human being, he'll understand.
There are many other afrikaner kids in your shoes. I know a lot of your parents and grand-parents from my work in the Western Cape. Stellenbosch isn't that bad; consider yourself lucky to have a home in the wine belt, where attitudes are more liberal than in many other parts of the country. If you do come out to your mum and dad, you have to consider that they may not accept you, but they will probably get over it in time. During that time you must show them your loyalty and love in spite of the storm. Reasonable people, devoted people will learn that some boundaries can be broken while not breaking family boundaries...in the end.
Yes can understand very well your situation even though I am straight. As I read you still depend on them, you can come out as you are independent. you can pay your own bills if you have a place to stay. So go to college enjoy your life, you don't need to reason any one or let any one to believe that you are straight. That is who you are and people around you need to accept who you are. Don't make your self depressed as you said find out some where more comfortable may be bit away from your home town. Forget about you straight or gay just go and enjoy your life out there with your friends. Have fun as other 18 yr old kiddos do. Good luck hope you will find your rest for your mind.
If my child came to me and said they were gay, my response would be to thank you for letting me know, a big hug and "I love you."
If they then added that they were involved with a 40 year old at the age of 20, OMG, there would be plates flying - not at them but, yeah, I would have a lot to say about that.
Your gender or sexual orientation would not change my advice to a young person and that is, a 20 year age differential at the age of 20 is bad news. At 40/60, with both people firmly established as adults and sure of who they are, that's not much of an issue, but 20/40, especially with the 40 year old being what seems to be a strong personality and the 20 year old just starting to accept and honor who he is as a person, that is just not a good idea. It is a very uneven balance of power. The further you go into it, the harder it will be to get out of it.
You need to be with people your own age. Your first serious relationship should be with someone who is experiencing or has recently experienced the same obstacles, triumphs, and questions that are part of your life right now. If you get involved with this man, it will not be an equal partnership. It will be leader and follower and you will be the follower at a time when you should be making your own path. His pushiness and saying all the right things is classic for a guy who is very controlling and bad news. Sorry, but there's a little voice in me that bet's that he's actually older than 40.
Holy crap, I actually helped someone. Dude, I'm completely stressed out about work stuff and you totally made my day. Thanks! I'm so glad things are going well for you!
Your online friend seems like he's coming on VERY strong. Weltschmerz is right - ask him to dial it back a bit. How he responds to that should tell you a lot about him.
I'm going to raise some points though right now that are glaring red flags for me:
-He is 40 and pursuing a 20-year-old. That's... questionable. I know 20 years isn't an unheard-of age gap for straight or gay couples, but... I'm 38 now, and 20 just seems impossibly young to me. And add to that....
-He's a successful and handsome guy living in a very liberal and gay-friendly country and he's looking for dates in another hemisphere? Casting that in the kindest possible light, that's really inefficient. Casting it in a less kind light, he may be masking a glaring character flaw or issue.
-He's coming on pretty strong. That is in itself a red flag. And I worry for you that he seems to have all these expectations and all this neediness. He seems really insecure. Look up some stuff on the internet about things like "love bombing" and people who come on too strong romantically. Dragonman really nails it with his concerns.
I'm going to guess that you're attractive. I know you're intelligent and sane and mature beyond your years. And if your posts on here are any indication, you're a total sweetheart. I'm going to guess that you're what they call "the whole package." You are a catch. Don't let this guy manipulate you or guilt you into anything that makes you uncomfortable. And in my inexpert opinion, I think you have better options than this dude.
I know what it's like to have a major conflict with your parents, although mine was not homosexuality.
When you're 18 or so, it's really hard to confront them. At that age I was terrified of upsetting mine. When you're in your mid 20s and more of your own person, it's much easier. Around 23 I just confronted them and let them deal with it. In the end, they did not want to lose contact with their son, so they got over it. At 18 or 20, though, I would never have had the courage of confidence to do that.
When you've matured a bit and established yourself more, it will not be so bad to just tell your parents who you really are. If you don't feel confident in yourself right now, it's probably not the time to start a major fight with them. But since you're going to college, you will have plenty of opportunity to grow and after that it will become easier. Trust me.
Holy crap, I actually helped someone. Dude, I'm completely stressed out about work stuff and you totally made my day. Thanks! I'm so glad things are going well for you!
Your online friend seems like he's coming on VERY strong. Weltschmerz is right - ask him to dial it back a bit. How he responds to that should tell you a lot about him.
I'm going to raise some points though right now that are glaring red flags for me:
-He is 40 and pursuing a 20-year-old. That's... questionable. I know 20 years isn't an unheard-of age gap for straight or gay couples, but... I'm 38 now, and 20 just seems impossibly young to me. And add to that....
-He's a successful and handsome guy living in a very liberal and gay-friendly country and he's looking for dates in another hemisphere? Casting that in the kindest possible light, that's really inefficient. Casting it in a less kind light, he may be masking a glaring character flaw or issue.
-He's coming on pretty strong. That is in itself a red flag. And I worry for you that he seems to have all these expectations and all this neediness. He seems really insecure. Look up some stuff on the internet about things like "love bombing" and people who come on too strong romantically. Dragonman really nails it with his concerns.
I'm going to guess that you're attractive. I know you're intelligent and sane and mature beyond your years. And if your posts on here are any indication, you're a total sweetheart. I'm going to guess that you're what they call "the whole package." You are a catch. Don't let this guy manipulate you or guilt you into anything that makes you uncomfortable. And in my inexpert opinion, I think you have better options than this dude.
OMG, you are meant to be my saviour. I just looked up about this "love bombing" technique thing and he matches pretty much all those descriptions. He doesn't write a line without telling me how beautiful and smart I am, he's so eager to see me. And he is always trying to make contact with me.
I am blocking him from my life, for real. Thank you!!!
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