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Old 05-05-2013, 01:53 PM
 
Location: NYC
2,427 posts, read 3,976,661 times
Reputation: 2299

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she's lying. no one doesn't remember when they do coke unless they do it so often it that it all blends together

touching to the mouth is just a way of trying to not confront the truth, which is that she did a drug she promised not to do behind your back. it might sound "better" but snorting, dipping, shoving it up her as*, it's all the same thing which is doing coke

you have to decide if you're going to forgive her. and if so what it will take to restore your trust and she has to provide that

you might consider looking through her phone to see if she's been texting a dealer or whatever
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Old 05-05-2013, 02:03 PM
 
Location: The Jar
20,058 posts, read 18,261,749 times
Reputation: 37120
Quote:
Originally Posted by NeedAnswer123 View Post
We've been together for fifteen years and have two young elementary school children. My wife was concerned about her sister's cocaine use (about two times per week) over the past twenty years. Because of this concern, she confronted her sister because her sister has a young child and mentioned that she'd get the parents involved for a family intervention. When my wife said this to her sister, the sister replied that if this occurs, then all the family secrets would come out. I asked my wife what skeletons she was talking about and the details are below.

When we first started dating, my wife mentioned that she had experimented with drugs including cocaine. We discussed and she said that she did not use anymore. I said I' m glad because I would have a tough time dating anyone who used. I thought we had an understanding. Well...it turns out that my wife has admitted to "touching" the stuff to her mouth on two occasions since we have been together and as recently as several months ago when she was alone with her sister and up all night dealing with her mom's crisis during the mom's 75th birthday. My wife claims that she was vulnerable because she was dealing with her mom's issues and this was only about two times out of 200 over the past 15 years that she "gave in" to her sister and touch the cocaine to her mouth. I believe that it has only been infrequently because she rarely goes out and rarely drinks. (We're both very busy with work and splitting child care responsibilities, and we don't have any family in the area).

My wife is an otherwise honest, hard-working and successful person and mother. However, I was shocked when I learned that she not only "touched" the drug since we were married but also as recently as five months ago. She apologized, but tends to minimize my feelings saying that "most people she knows" have experimented and if I had ever used drugs, then I wouldn't be so freaked out about merely touching the stuff to her mouth on two occasions (the other she claims was when she just turned 30 nearly 13 years ago). She mentioned that her recent use a few months ago was a major mistake and confirmed that she doesn't like the stuff. She said that I have nothing to worry about and she has never done it around me or the kids, nor would she ever do it again. I believe her, for the most part, but still feel hurt, shocked, angry and betrayed. She apologized, but I don't think she understands why I feel hurt, shocked, angry and betrayed and tends to minimize my feelings by saying that she merely touched the stuff to her mouth. She also claims not to remember the times when she used, saying it was so infrequently, and states that she never snorted.

I guess I'm confused and would like your productive thoughts on a way forward. It's been about six days and my feelings are all over the place and it is strange.
So, your wife voices concern over her sister's illegal cocaine habit but did the stuff with her in recent times?!?!

Besides the fact that she's a hypocrite, she is also a drug user!!! I don't for one second buy any of her excuses! It sounds to me like the crap we all have heard and been fed by drug users we have encountered in our own families and lives.

Look, if you wish to save your marriage with this woman, set up appointments with a therapist. I'd do that anyway for the sake of your children.
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Old 05-05-2013, 08:51 PM
 
4,098 posts, read 7,096,034 times
Reputation: 5682
Default Wife revealed recent cocaine touching to mouth...difficult time with it

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophieLL View Post
what fails??
Maybe the OP ones?

I see nothing wrong with his wife behaviour and, frankly, after reading her letter, the OP seems to be the one "disturbed" not her. In any case, the OP is overeacting BIG TIME, and is creating an unnecessarly problem in his marriage.

But, hey, maybe he likes nonexistent made up problems, whatever floats his boat!


I do think the advice given here are not helping the already over the top paranoid mind of the OP. He should relax and not react like he is dating freaking Kate Moss for goddsake!
If you don't see a problem with her behavior your thought process has maybe already turned to mush. Maybe you condone this because you are a daily user, the rest of us are not Using cocaine in any amount is against the law. The OP does not have a nonexistent problem. Because it isn't a problem for you doesn't mean it should not be a problem for the OP. From reading his post his brain is not muddled, not so sure about you.
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Old 05-05-2013, 08:58 PM
 
516 posts, read 1,614,429 times
Reputation: 323
Quote:
Originally Posted by SophieLL View Post
Poor thing

Get off her back, seriously, you are overeacting and upsetting her


This is about the only productive advice you have given on this thread. The rest of what you have posted is absolutely non-constructive and nothing more than a personal attack on someone seeking help. If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it (unless its funny) and what you have posted is not at all funny.
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Old 05-05-2013, 09:09 PM
 
4,098 posts, read 7,096,034 times
Reputation: 5682
Default Wife revealed recent cocaine touching to mouth...difficult time with it

[quote=NeedAnswer123;29398900]Well....Here was her response a few days ago. I've been keeping the upset to myself because she did admit the use and apologize, but didn't really acknowledge why I was upset. We've discussed and I am trying to act as if everything is fine, but I admit I'm still hurt and shocked. She's correct in that I've been irrational but I think this is serious stuff. I've never been so confused and I agree with several posters who say there's much more in life to worry about. Here's what she wrote to me:

"I am really confused. I have really tried to understand your perspective and apologize, but you seem to be getting more freaked out, not less. One minute you are angry, the next you hug me, the next you are angry, the next you leave me a nice voicemail and write kind letter below about the "blip" in our relationship. Then you are mad again, acting outrageously strange, avoiding me by going around the house after leaving to "drive" when you knew I was planning to drop XXX off, sleeping in guest room.

What I did in college was real experimentation. What I have done since knowing you was barely more than looking; I am changed and do not want to partake as an adult. By touching something I should not have, I honestly did not think it was worth reporting or discussing because of the repercussions of an act that was so seemingly minor and had no affect on me (other than psychologically to confirm I hate the stuff), you or our family. If I ever made a bad choice that did affect you or the kids in any way (eg stripper, cheating, etc), I would own up because I do not like living without integrity and honesty in a relationship. I tell you everything....perhaps even some things I should not.....but I do and always have and I thought you knew me better than to think I would withhold a big secret if I thought there was one.

I do understand that you feel I was not honest. Please accept my apology. My intention was never to hide information nor betray you; it was something so stupid it was not worth bringing up in my mind to interfere with our relationship since I know your conservative views on the subject and dislike for my sister in the first place.

I am starting to wonder whether you will ever be able to move on. I have never seen you so wigged out and strange and it is really scaring me. I am not sure I know who you are, despite 15 years together. You are unpredictable and volatile and I am not sure what to do. Please tell me what is going on and why your persona is changing unexpectedly every time I think we might be moving on."[/QUOT

After reading her response to you it is obvious there are two sides to every story. While she should never have tried the drug again, she did apologize to you. I appears you haven't treated her too well since this incident happened. See a counselor and get your lives straightened out before one of you makes some mistakes that can't be repaired. In the meantime, try being a bit nicer to live with.
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Old 05-06-2013, 12:51 AM
 
Location: San Francisco
2,279 posts, read 4,733,896 times
Reputation: 4026
Quote:
Originally Posted by NeedAnswer123 View Post
.... I also mentioned that I felt betrayed because we had talked about my intolerance for drug use when we first started dating. She assured me that it was in her past. When I asked whether she thought it would be appropriate for her to apologize....
Leaving aside the issues of drugs and legality, this snippet bothers me. It sounds more like something you would say to a naughty 6 year old, not to your spouse.
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