U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Covid-19 Information Page
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 05-05-2013, 09:42 AM
 
Location: NYC
7,367 posts, read 13,429,857 times
Reputation: 10344

Advertisements

The other night, a friend and I were having a conversation about relationships and fidelity. He is all for open relationships and has one with his wife. As I have always said, I would never be in an open relationship despite the fact that monogamy is not my strong suit. As we talked about it, I finally figured out why I don't like open relationships: it's the talking about it.

It seems that people in open relationships are very open about discussing their side sexual escapades. This includes the guys on OK Cupid etc who tell me I am welcome to call or email his wife to confirm things are open. Or for instance my boss, she and her husband have an open relationship (why do I know this? Too much talk...) and when they went to a trade show in Las Vegas he brought a woman back to their hotel room and asked my boss to take a walk. Online I see people talk about how their lover and spouse are all friends, or about how they are actively dating.

I have said before that the perfect relationship is open for me and closed for you, but that's not accurate. I don't care if you sleep with someone else. I just don't want to hear about it. What works for me: Don't ask don't tell. If my partner is out somewhere and a desirable one night stand were to present itself, I don't have a problem with it. But I don't want to hear about it either. Bored on a business trip and met someone at the hotel bar? Go for it. But I don't want to hear about it. Take care of yourself, use a condom, and keep up your personal obligations. And of course I will do the same. A dating profile that lists you as "available" is a no. Randomly meeting someone and going for it is a yes. But I don't want to hear about, nor will I ask you.

I would like to hear from you open relationship proponents, do any of you structure your relationships in this way? Or do you always talk about it?
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 05-05-2013, 10:27 AM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
35,173 posts, read 22,457,266 times
Reputation: 13805
I honestly don't understand open relationship.

I read an article a long time ago, sorry, I couldn't find the source. But the following is a guy's story regarding open relationship

"My wife and I were on the brink of divorce, for several reasons really, but after we had an honest discussion with each other one day, she revealed to me her desire to explore her sexuality. She had asked for more freedom before, but this is what she really meant. She expressed how guilty she felt for having these feelings and has assured me she never and would have never went behind my back. But since I granted an open marriage (it is a semi-open one for now), Our marriage has improved vastly, and we are actually much closer than ever before! I still struggle immensely with jealousy, but the more I go along with this, the more those feelings subside because I know she loves me."

(I forgot where I read it, sorry)

Let's face it, as a woman, I know I get very emotionally attached to a guy after having sex with him. There is just no way that I can tolerate even the mere thought of him screwing other women on the side. All my ex boyfriends have felt exactly the same way. As the saying goes “Two’s company, Three’s a crowd” I don’t think Open Relationships work because there will always be jealousy involved no matter how one wants to sugarcoat it. Even if the person does not share the juicy details, imagination will still run wild.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2013, 10:35 AM
 
Location: Reno, NV
5,629 posts, read 9,077,202 times
Reputation: 9508
It's not necessary to talk about things much if you have an open relationship. All that's usually necessary is to say you have plans on a certain day so there aren't surprises or scheduling conflicts. Of course, some people like to share or hear the details - they may find it a turn-on. We don't discuss much.

By don't ask, don't tell, do you mean cheating? That would be unacceptable to us, and of course it's possible to cheat even in an open relationship if you don't observe any boundaries you've agreed to. At the very least, I think you need to agree that it's okay to see others, and can leave it at that ever after, especially if you don't want or need to set boundaries. That sounds like your preference.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2013, 10:39 AM
 
Location: Reno, NV
5,629 posts, read 9,077,202 times
Reputation: 9508
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
I don’t think Open Relationships work because there will always be jealousy involved no matter how one wants to sugarcoat it. Even if the person does not share the juicy details, imagination will still run wild.
Jealousy can be unlearned, though if it's extreme it probably won't work. The inverse of jealousy is compersion - that can be learned, though some people come by it naturally. You may feel there will always be jealousy involved, and perhaps that is true for you. It is NOT true for everyone.

I do agree with the quote you shared.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2013, 10:44 AM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
35,173 posts, read 22,457,266 times
Reputation: 13805
Quote:
Originally Posted by TaoistDude View Post
Jealousy can be unlearned, though if it's extreme it probably won't work. The inverse of jealousy is compersion - that can be learned, though some people come by it naturally. You may feel there will always be jealousy involved, and perhaps that is true for you. It is NOT true for everyone.
Jealousy is an emotion. It can be "controlled" but it cannot be eliminated. It has nothing to do with insecurity, self esteem, etc.

You cannot deny that many women and some men get very emotionally attached to the person they have slept with. As a matter of fact, I have extremely good looking guy friends have all told me that they couldn't sleep with just anybody, they have to feel "something" in order to invite the person to their beds. Men can jump to anything that moves is a big myth.

Sure, there will be women who can jump from men to men and claim it is just sex. I suspect these women go through identity crisis and perhaps there are deep rooted psychological problems and tremendous unmet emotional needs they don't care to share with the world.

Women (some / many/most) need that emotional connection to have sex with the man. There might be a few women can have sex without emotional attachment, but exception is not the norm. Sorry.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2013, 10:50 AM
 
Location: Reno, NV
5,629 posts, read 9,077,202 times
Reputation: 9508
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981 View Post
Jealousy is an emotion. It can be "controlled" but it cannot be eliminated.

You cannot deny that many women and some men get very emotionally attached to the person they have slept with. As a matter of fact, I have extremely good looking guy friends have all told me that they couldn't sleep with just anybody, they have to feel "something" in order to invite the person to their beds. Men can jump to anything that moves is a big myth.

Sure, there will be women can jump from men to men and claim it is just sex. I suspect these women go through identity crisis and perhaps there are deep rooted unmet emotional needs they don't care to share with the world.

Women (some / many/most) need that emotional connection to have sex with the man. There might be a few women can have sex without emotional attachment, but exception is not the norm. Sorry.
You can argue it all you want, but the truth is that jealousy can be unlearned or at least recognized and deliberately let go. It need not control your relationships - or your attitudes. Any emotion can be redirected - we are not slaves to them unless we allow ourselves to be. Many emotions can be very negative or destructive, so giving in to them is often a bad idea.

I've certainly been jealous, and let it control me in the past. I learned that it is almost always without good cause and could let it go, or that there were more constructive ways to deal with it. A positive emotional connection should be based on love. Jealousy as a (partial) basis for connection is usually dysfunctional.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2013, 10:51 AM
 
Location: NYC
7,367 posts, read 13,429,857 times
Reputation: 10344
Quote:
Originally Posted by TaoistDude View Post
It's not necessary to talk about things much if you have an open relationship. All that's usually necessary is to say you have plans on a certain day so there aren't surprises or scheduling conflicts. Of course, some people like to share or hear the details - they may find it a turn-on. We don't discuss much.

By don't ask, don't tell, do you mean cheating? That would be unacceptable to us, and of course it's possible to cheat even in an open relationship if you don't observe any boundaries you've agreed to. At the very least, I think you need to agree that it's okay to see others, and can leave it at that ever after, especially if you don't want or need to set boundaries. That sounds like your preference.
Is it cheating if you agree on a don't ask, don't tell policy upfront? I say it isn't.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2013, 10:54 AM
 
Location: Reno, NV
5,629 posts, read 9,077,202 times
Reputation: 9508
Quote:
Originally Posted by OngletNYC View Post
Is it cheating if you agree on a don't ask, don't tell policy upfront? I say it isn't.
In that case, I'd say it's not cheating. You're explicitly giving each other freedom to do as they wish without boundaries. As long as the don't ask, don't tell is clearly about seeing others, and not some unrelated topic, of course!
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2013, 10:56 AM
 
393 posts, read 419,514 times
Reputation: 304
I don't think just because you're seeing someone, you have a right to say whether they can see other people at the same time they're involved with you. And I don't think people have an obligation to tell someone they're involved with that they want to see others. If you're involved with someone, your business is the relationship between you and them, not whether they're seeing other people. If you start seeing someone else, however, you should always take measures to protect yourself and whomever you have a relationship with against STDs.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-05-2013, 11:02 AM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
35,173 posts, read 22,457,266 times
Reputation: 13805
Quote:
Originally Posted by TaoistDude View Post
You can argue it all you want, but the truth is that jealousy can be unlearned or at least recognized and deliberately let go. It need not control your relationships - or your attitudes. Any emotion can be redirected - we are not slaves to them unless we allow ourselves to be. Many emotions can be very negative or destructive, so giving in to them is often a bad idea.

I've certainly been jealous, and let it control me in the past. I learned that it is almost always without good cause and could let it go, or that there were more constructive ways to deal with it. A positive emotional connection should be based on love. Jealousy as a (partial) basis for connection is usually dysfunctional.
This is where you and I are different. I've never been a jealous person simply because I had no reasons to be one. None of my men have given me any reasons for me to get jealous. I don't play games with anybody. I don't need to make somebody jealous in order to keep them interested.

Open relationship to me is settling. If I cannot find a person who can satisfy me spiritually, emotionally, sexually and physically, I will leave. Simple like that.

"You can have sex with anybody you want, as long as you don't tell me." To me, it is a sad sad statement. sorry.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2021, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top