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I once had a woman ask me flat out how much my income was, Forgot about this one. Gave a vague answer. I wanted to say "In Soviet Russia, Income earns YOU!" LOL.
it's great when she asks you for your birthday right up front
you know immediately she is the type of person who takes astrology seriously as a meaningful predictor of life, and so then you can stop taking her seriously as a potential LTR
Not so, I like to look it up for fun (the compatibility). I don't get why some of you are so quick to write people off for one question. Anything you assume about her is just that, an assumption, why would anyone make decisions based on that?
as a male what if you are already a homebody and have developed panic attacks from all the medicines you are taking or from something else(like diet, food intolerances etc ). you are a functional person otherwise, you work, have $$$, are independent, but your life otherwise is out of control( ie you rarely go outside of a 10 mile radius of where you live you no longer take small pleasure trips like you used to) and you've yet to find a solution and it embarrasses you. what on earth do you do on a date when it comes to that? or even pre-date if you sense someone likes you, the dread of them finding out makes you even more anxious. i am speaking from experience because this is where i am at in my life today
You didn't say if you are getting therapy or trying meds for this, but if it were me I'd try to deal with this issue before trying to date.
I agree with the OP that most of these questions just aren't good questions. Either too vague, sound too much like interview questions, or somehow sort of nerdy or obtuse-sounding. I think the advent of online dating has resulted in this type of interview-questioning. Before online dating, people used to ask:
What are your hobbies?
What kind of music do you like?
Do you have siblings?(opening a discussion about family)
Are you from around here? (Possibly opening a convo about person's home town/region)
How did you get into ________ (profession)?
These aren't as vague and open-ended as "What do you do for fun", show a little more thought, and give the person a chance to talk about his/her interests, both professional and leisure-time; family and perhaps childhood experiences, and open the door for the person to choose how personal the do or don't want to get. "Why are you still single" really puts someone on the spot and seems awkward and inconsiderate.
Hehe, I think I'm "guilty" of #4 for at least five deliberate dates that I asked it in various forms, plus those that truly weren't planned. It was almost a standard question that I occasionally threw (in various forms) on a third date. And although it was always during some casual talk, it never was "at random" - I'd plan to get to that point in a casual talk on that third date.
Later on I figured out that this approach is terrible, not because of someone's annoyance but because people are generally truly deceiving with their intentions. You cannot truly rely on their answer, so after half a year of dating various people in USA, I slowly threw it out of my "evaluation strategy", but it sometimes went out spontaneously... you know, night is long, a few drinks will make your mouth talk more... even though you are aware of what you're saying.
I don't know about the rest of the folks and why they ask it, but my intention was clear - so I could hear the other side talk about it (it's not always about 5 year question, but yes... the point is to know what does she plan in nearby future). If I figure out that they are throwing random stuff that I just want to hear but it's inconsistent when we talk later on, they're just making it up, so it's crucial to get as much details in a random talk. If I notice that they're throwing some random stuff which isn't what I plan (a deal breaker), I'd generally plan on notifying them that we won't be dating, usually by cancelling further dates after we part away that night. But I see her genuinely talk about the future and it includes things I plan as well - she's getting a huge plus. Well, too bad that this strategy won't really work in USA because people can genuinely convince you in anything. It can often be counter-productive, many people tend to abuse your intentions once they figure it out - they simply play along for their own benefit. Thus you really need to ask around who they are (but not directly, more like takling with others and mentioning her name, names of her friends, etc, listening if others can tell you something on random, etc), open your eyes on what type of friends does she have, what do people who know her say, you need to open your eyes widely to see certain patterns of behavior, etc - everything will be more helpful than the "near future" question. Only time and lots of effort is what will help you evaluate your date properly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by the minx
The 5 year question is an attempt to find out if you're looking for marriage, kids, etc. Most people who are marriage / family minded don't want to waste time with someone who is not.
Yes, that's what was on my mind and I'd usually phrase it in various ways... you know, it needs to be a completely random talk-starer, a chit-chat question
I agree with the OP that most of these questions just aren't good questions. Either too vague, sound too much like interview questions, or somehow sort of nerdy or obtuse-sounding. I think the advent of online dating has resulted in this type of interview-questioning. Before online dating, people used to ask:
What are your hobbies?
What kind of music do you like?
Do you have siblings?(opening a discussion about family)
Are you from around here? (Possibly opening a convo about person's home town/region)
How did you get into ________ (profession)?
These aren't as vague and open-ended as "What do you do for fun", show a little more thought, and give the person a chance to talk about his/her interests, both professional and leisure-time; family and perhaps childhood experiences, and open the door for the person to choose how personal the do or don't want to get. "Why are you still single" really puts someone on the spot and seems awkward and inconsiderate.
If I get one of the questions below the remainder of the year I will hang up the phone
And the all most annoying question meeting someone for the first time of the opposite sex is........
1. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO FOR FUN
LOL. I'm sure we have all been asked one of these stupid questions at some point when meeting someone new.
Those are not very good questions to ask out of the blue. The risk is high that the asker will come off awkward. The birthday question would probably result in a few-word direct answer...and that's it...onward to the next topic (i.e. not much chance to segue that into further conversation). There are better, lighter, more open-ended ways to ice-break and get a good dialogue going.
However, (maybe aside from question #2) within the context of a broader flowing conversation about relevant subject matter, those questions may be fine and even good. It would feel natural and "right" to ask one of them at that time. For example the conversation is already on the subject of occupations...so #3 would be OK to ask at the right moment if such a moment presents itself. A good conversationalist would probably word the questions in a way that's less interrogation-like and more casual, lighthearted and/or humorous.
It's less about the specific questions and more about how they are asked and when they are asked. If the date feels like a job interview with lots of Q&A and forced talk and little or no smooth easy-flowing dialogue, then a 2nd date is unlikely. There is either some social awkwardness or ineptitude at play here...or you two simply aren't connecting and aren't a good match. Conversation tends to come and flow a lot easier if you and your date connect well with each other, even for those folks who don't have strong social skills. It's nearly effortless. You get to learn about each other over time with the natural flow of communication, perhaps including answers to the (possibly unasked) questions above.
The rule I live by is once these questions come out there's no connection and it's time to bolt. When I meet someone in which I connect these answers come out during the natural course of courtship and conversation.
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