Should Your Husband have close Female friends? (guy, affairs, friend)

[monumentus]

Originally Posted by BellaSol

No..no and no..I used to be THAT cool girlfriend/wife and I finally got sick of it and woke up and smelled the coffee..I was TOO secure and TOO confident to the point it took me a moment to realize..It's not respectful nor appropriate..EVEN in the most platonic situations..please keep in mind..in nature..male and females are NOT biologically designed to be "FRIENDS" lmao.

So because it - for some reasons - did not work out for you - the entire thing is not respectful or appropriate? That is just bull from you.

I have no idea why your partner having opposite sex friends did not work out - you did not give details. But it not working out for you says nothing about the concept in general. Many people - in and out of relationships - have opposite sex friends. There is nothing lacking in respect or appropriateness there.

Originally Posted by BellaSol

Seriously..Science 101, peeps.

Try taking such a course before recommending it to others. We are biologically evolved to reproduce with the opposite sex. That is all. Biology says nothing more than that. It certainly says nothing about our social constructs - friendships - or the range of other emotional attachments we can have to other people.

Originally Posted by BellaSol

Majority of ALL affairs start out in friendship..another thing to keep in mind.

And the majority of child sexual abuse and rape occours by people that are closely known to the child. That does not mean that the majority of people closely known to children will abuse or rape them. You are misrepresenting statistics to feed your own bias here.

Alas we see this error/tactic on this forum a lot. People declaring that "The majority of X is done by Y" in the hope that the implication that "The majority of Y will do X" will automatically install itself in peoples brains.

The fact, even assuming it is a fact as you cited no numbers at all to back it up, that the majority of all affairs start with friendships says _nothing at all whatsoever_ about the number of friendships that will develop into affairs.

Originally Posted by BellaSol

You got married because you were deadset on making a commitment..Your attention needs to go to your spouse..not some same-sex friend.

And that "commitment" of which you speak - is not precluded by maintaining friendships. Let alone specifically friendships with one particular sex.

Originally Posted by BellaSol

just because you do NOT accept it doesn't mean you're somehow jealous/insecure/controlling

Not JUST because of that no. Whether you are jealous, insecure or controlling is not based on your rejecting allowing such friendships. It is based on the reasons WHY you decide not to allow them. So far the reasons you have given - which I have replied to above - are pretty bad ones.

Originally Posted by BellaSol

Another woman has ZERO business texting or calling a married man.

Yes she does - if that "married man" is her friend. Then she has every business - every right - and every cause to be contacting him. She certainly does not have to answer to - or justify herself to - the likes of you.

Originally Posted by BellaSol

I'd admit it if I were the jealous type (which..btw..isn't that bad of a flaw)

Agreed. Simply having ANY emotion - including jealousy - is not a flaw. At all. It is what one DOES with those emotions that is where the virtues or flaws come in.

Originally Posted by BellaSol

No spouse has ANY business putting energy into opposite sex relationship.

^ Totally bull. ANY person has the right to put energy into ANY friendship. Any one at all. It is a nonsense to assume that this should be decided solely based on the sex of that friendship. Because in a friendship the sex of the other person is not relevant - because you are friends with the PERSON. Not their genitals. Stop making it all about sex. Not all relationships are about that.

Originally Posted by BellaSol

WRONG all around

The only thing wrong all around I am seeing here - is your post.

Originally Posted by BellaSol

..with a 60% divorce rate..I don't care what anyone says about being cool/confident/trusting/swearing their partner will never cheat..

This is nonsense from you too. You are trying to smuggle in the implication that the divorce rate is related to "cheating". The reasons and causes for marital breakdown are legion and numerous. Infidelity is only one drop in an ocean of causes and factors. And even where infidelity is a factor - it is quite often not the cause of the marital breakdown - but a result of it.

Originally Posted by BellaSol

They are called VOWS for a reason.

And the "vows" many people make say nothing whatsoever about not maintaining friendships. That part - you yourself are simply making up.

Originally Posted by BellaSol

Seriously..tons of perfectly normal men out there that don't need female friends..Just like there are tons of us women who have zero interest in male friends.

No man "needs" a female friend because when we choose our friends we do so based on wanting to be friends with that PERSON. Not their sex or their genitals. If I meet someone I want to be friends with then I will pursue a friendship with them. What "sex" they are is - quite literally - the last thing on my mind in such a scenario. And I can think of no reason why it should be. Nor have you provided one I notice.

[West of Encino]

No husband or wife should have a friend of the opposite gender. It's bound to cause problems.

[weltschmerz]

Originally Posted by BellaSol

No..no and no..I used to be THAT cool girlfriend/wife and I finally got sick of it and woke up and smelled the coffee..I was TOO secure and TOO confident to the point it took me a moment to realize..It's not respectful nor appropriate..EVEN in the most platonic situations..please keep in mind..in nature..male and females are NOT biologically designed to be "FRIENDS" lmao. Seriously..Science 101, peeps. Majority of ALL affairs start out in friendship..another thing to keep in mind.

However, even then..I realize it IS possible to have a friendship with opposite sex people..BUT I just don't think that once you are MARRIED there should EVER be any grey area when it concerns that. To me..it's black and white..You got married because you were deadset on making a commitment..Your attention needs to go to your spouse..not some same-sex friend.

It's all really stupid..People are SO desperate to prove they are cool, hip, secure and confident..and therefore have no problem with their spouse's having opposite sex relationships...that are THAT close..LONG time friends from before the relationship..alrighty..that's somewhat fair game..but after that? HELL NO..Anyone who condones that is just an idiot lol..and with a 60% chance of every marriage ending in divorce..I look at the successful long term marriages and ya know what I noticed? THE VAST MAJORITY DO NOT HAVE OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDSHIPS IN THE MIX lol.


SO I guess it's all what you want and what you're willing to accept and just because you do NOT accept it doesn't mean you're somehow jealous/insecure/controlling...Give me a break...Another woman has ZERO business texting or calling a married man..I would never do that because I know it's not my place so these broads need to stop acting like they don't know better...

I could go on and on about how devilishly goodlooking I am, what an amazing career I have, how I'm in high demand, intelligent, have an awesome sense of humor and am therefore FAR from jealous and insecure (LOL) but I will not..No need for me to lie..I'd admit it if I were the jealous type (which..btw..isn't that bad of a flaw) but I'm actually far from jealous..Read my first sentence..I was too confident and cool about things..

Also..know that there's a difference between jealous and being upset that you feel there aren't appropriate boundaries or respect in your relationship. Don't get it twisted, peeps..

So my answer..Hell no..No spouse has ANY business putting energy into opposite sex relationship. WRONG all around..Not sure when in the hell this became acceptable and appropriate..but like I said..with a 60% divorce rate..I don't care what anyone says about being cool/confident/trusting/swearing their partner will never cheat.. P.S. Those are the ones that usually cheat lol

I am not worried about my partner cheating but just like I am not going to pat him on the back and give him a gold sticker for going to the strip club I'm not going to jump up and down in approval at him making friendsy friends with another female. WHY? Because I'm not willing to sit there like some jackass while my husband makes girlfriends..

..and I know this is an old thread but I want other women out there to read that..Everyone is so eager to answer and give the "cool" "politically correct" answer and that's fine but I'm here to tell you..no..it's actually no appropriate and if ANYONE in ANY relationship doesn't like it, it needs to stop immediately..ESPECIALLY if you're married..They are called VOWS for a reason.

Wow!
You're kidding, right?

[monumentus]

Originally Posted by West of Encino

No husband or wife should have a friend of the opposite gender. It's bound to cause problems.

Except many many do - all without problems.

Careful when dealing in "shoulds" here - all too often the "should" is just baseless assertion by people who simply want something to be true - but have no argument to suggest it actually is.

[Amelie90]

I'm not married, and I know you have to trust your spouse but I'd have a hard time trusting ANY women around him.

[Katnan]

When I read all of these types of threads, IMO, it all really boils down to respect, priorities, boundaries, and protecting your marriage/relationship above all else. If you operate with the best interests of your partnership in mind always, then there shouldn't be problems.

[rego00123]

Originally Posted by Liberty2011

When I read all of these types of threads, IMO, it all really boils down to respect, priorities, boundaries, and protecting your marriage/relationship above all else. If you operate with the best interests of your partnership in mind always, then there shouldn't be problems.

This is all it boils down to really.

Unfortunately lots of people live ignoring the obvious or assume trust is blind.

[vfr800-cr250]

Originally Posted by monumentus

The fact, even assuming it is a fact as you cited no numbers at all to back it up, that the majority of all affairs start with friendships says _nothing at all whatsoever_ about the number of friendships that will develop into affairs.

And that "commitment" of which you speak - is not precluded by maintaining friendships. Let alone specifically friendships with one particular sex.

It's interesting that you tear up BellaSol's argument for lacking facts and statistics, but offer none to counter their argument.

The reality is that the facts do support the idea that friendships with potential mates are perilous at best.....
"There are, indeed, people who profess friendship but intend to steal another’s mate. About half of 236 college-age men and women surveyed in a June 2001 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology said they had tried to attract another’s partner at least once. And 85 percent of them said someone had tried to attract them away from a mate at least once."
Opposite-sex friends travel slippery slope | The Journal Gazette

Sex will always get in the way of the male-female relationship | Mail Online

So rationalize away, but the reality is that there is a reason the mates get upset over these friendships, because they turn into more far too often and even when that doesn't happen it's not unusual for that energy to be just under the surface.

[snugglegirl05]

Originally Posted by Liberty2011

When I read all of these types of threads, IMO, it all really boils down to respect, priorities, boundaries, and protecting your marriage/relationship above all else. If you operate with the best interests of your partnership in mind always, then there shouldn't be problems.

^^^^^ I agree

[snugglegirl05]

Originally Posted by monumentus

Except many many do - all without problems.

Careful when dealing in "shoulds" here - all too often the "should" is just baseless assertion by people who simply want something to be true - but have no argument to suggest it actually is.

Ok...

Will my feeling is...

My personal opinion is...

or My personal philosophy is...

work for you instead?