To forgive and forget or is the relationship doomed (dating, wife, women)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am a 50 yr old man who has fallen in love with a 48 year old widower inthe past 2 years. When we first starting seeing each other it was clearly stated by her that she did not want a long term relationship and was not goingto get into a serious one. We actually both felt this way as I myself was currently going thru a divorce and wasn’t exactly looking for something serious or actually nothing at all. To make along story short both of us fell head over heels with each other and since meeting we have been inseparable. To make a long story short I am having some issues dealing with her past related to dating and a trip she took with a group of woman to let’s just say a resort town. It was during the time she and I first communicated and started to form out relationship. We texted and she even purchased some clothing I suggested she might want to get. She made a decision to engage in a one night stand with a man in this resort due to peer pressure, booze, need for sex. Duringa discussion I was actually given his name so I knew all the previous men she dated between her husband’s death and our relationship.
I have multiple conflicts with the whole scenario but the biggest issue I have with this is the group of women are work peers who all had knowledge and apparently were the peer pressure. ( I work and come in contact with these women) In one instance one of these ladies in a social gathering even made mention of how she was pissed her undergarments ended up on her bed during the act. She had fond memories about this trip and on occasion has refered to all the fun she had with her friends. Also during our dating she has had multiple past recent relationships contact her via social media sites and texting. At one point she tried to mislead me by acting as the man who was texting her he was that type of acquaintance he actually was.
I know the woman loves me as she has demonstrated and told me almost everyday. She truly is an angel and treats me very well. Should I be concerned about her past behavior or just throw caution to thewind and go with my heart and love andcherish her?
Last edited by rabid-rabbit; 05-20-2013 at 09:51 AM..
I wouldn't continue an association with someone who tried to trick me by posing online as someone else. I'd be scared of that because it seems really unbalanced.
Honestly, she sounds like someone not worth spending time with. A 48 year old who caves so easily to peer pressure, or cannot own up to the fact that they act like an adolescent, is certinly somone who has some sort of unresolved issues.
I just see red flags everywhere, and can guarantee it would be not long before your "angel" shows her beast.
If you're asking if you should forgive her for the one-night-stand in the resort town when you two were just getting to know each other, the answer is no. It doesn't sound to me like she did anything that needs to be forgiven. Even if she had, it was two years ago, before you two had developed the relationship that you now have. Correct? I'd forget it. What happens in Vegas SHOULD stay in Vegas. Apparently someone didn't get the memo.
As for the more recent texting incident, I'm confused. I'd need clarification before commenting on it, but if she loves you and treats you well, that goes a long ways.
My wife and I were good friends and confidants for a couple years before we became a couple. Whew! We both know enough stuff about each other from that time period that we could write a Shades of Grey novel. I think we were both a little hesitant in accepting each other in a committed relationship because we both knew too much about the other's past, but we somehow muddled through it. There was no forgiving, only accepting. If you can accept what she's done and love her for who she is and all of her past that made her who she is, then do so with all your heart.
I am a 50 yr old man who has fallen in love with a 48 year old widower inthe past 2 years. When we first starting seeing each other it was clearly stated by her that she did not want a long term relationship and was not goingto get into a serious one. We actually both felt this way as I myself was currently going thru a divorce and wasn’t exactly looking for something serious or actually nothing at all. To make along story short both of us fell head over heels with each other and since meeting we have been inseparable. To make a long story short I am having some issues dealing with her past related to dating and a trip she took with a group of woman to let’s just say a resort town. It was during the time she and I first communicated and started to form out relationship. We texted and she even purchased some clothing I suggested she might want to get. She made a decision to engage in a one night stand with a man in this resort due to peer pressure, booze, need for sex. Duringa discussion I was actually given his name so I knew all the previous men she dated between her husband’s death and our relationship.
I have multiple conflicts with the whole scenario but the biggest issue I have with this is the group of women are work peers who all had knowledge and apparently were the peer pressure. ( I work and come in contact with these women) In one instance one of these ladies in a social gathering even made mention of how she was pissed her undergarments ended up on her bed during the act. She had fond memories about this trip and on occasion has refered to all the fun she had with her friends. Also during our dating she has had multiple past recent relationships contact her via social media sites and texting. At one point she tried to mislead me by acting as the man who was texting her he was that type of acquaintance he actually was.
I know the woman loves me as she has demonstrated and told me almost everyday. She truly is an angel and treats me very well. Should I be concerned about her past behavior or just throw caution to thewind and go with my heart and love andcherish her?
What is there to "forgive"
You weren't a couple and had only just started communicating when this event occurred.
She has done nothing to you.
Guys like you are almost textbook, lol.
You came out of a long marriage, weren't even divorced yet and started dating too soon. Then you revert back to the kind of jealous insecurity normally reserved for adolescent boys and let all those feelings cause you to feel territorial too soon.
Relax man. TIME IS YOUR FRIEND. Just slow down and give yourself time to really get to know her better.
Forgive? As mountain lover pointed out, you weren't even a couple.
Forget what? I think you need to NOT to forget your fear of being cheated on. You need to get to the bottom of it. Does it help you to make excuses for her having a one stand night, due to peer pressure and alcohol? Ask yourself why you have to do that, too.
I suggest you also get this fear out in the open with her and try to work through it in a direct and factual manner. There's nothing wrong with being a jealous person. It's the action based on jealousy that causes problems.
Should she stay with a man who has such deep psychological issues that he feels jealous over men she dated before she even met him? (As well as one from, I assume, before you and she were exclusive?)
And, what's worse, you seem to be completely unaware of your own issues. You are trying to say that she is the one with the problematic behaviour.
That's not good, dude. If you don't get yourself to a counselor within a week, and keep going for at least the next 6 months, I would advise her to dump you. Someone who tries to blame his partner for his irrational emotional responses is not relationship material.
I am a 50 yr old man who has fallen in love with a 48 year old widower inthe past 2 years. When we first starting seeing each other it was clearly stated by her that she did not want a long term relationship and was not goingto get into a serious one. We actually both felt this way as I myself was currently going thru a divorce and wasn’t exactly looking for something serious or actually nothing at all. To make along story short both of us fell head over heels with each other and since meeting we have been inseparable. To make a long story short I am having some issues dealing with her past related to dating and a trip she took with a group of woman to let’s just say a resort town. It was during the time she and I first communicated and started to form out relationship. We texted and she even purchased some clothing I suggested she might want to get. She made a decision to engage in a one night stand with a man in this resort due to peer pressure, booze, need for sex. Duringa discussion I was actually given his name so I knew all the previous men she dated between her husband’s death and our relationship.
I have multiple conflicts with the whole scenario but the biggest issue I have with this is the group of women are work peers who all had knowledge and apparently were the peer pressure. ( I work and come in contact with these women) In one instance one of these ladies in a social gathering even made mention of how she was pissed her undergarments ended up on her bed during the act. She had fond memories about this trip and on occasion has refered to all the fun she had with her friends. Also during our dating she has had multiple past recent relationships contact her via social media sites and texting. At one point she tried to mislead me by acting as the man who was texting her he was that type of acquaintance he actually was.
I know the woman loves me as she has demonstrated and told me almost everyday. She truly is an angel and treats me very well. Should I be concerned about her past behavior or just throw caution to thewind and go with my heart and love andcherish her?
Vacation fling while on a chick trip before you started dating: Not an offense, it was before you two got involved, nothing to be forgiven for.
Exes or men who used to be interested in her contacting her on social media: Not an offense, she can't control who initiates contact with her, nothing to be forgiven for. However, if she's flirting with them, exchanging numbers, and talking on the phone or texting with them, that is a red flag and should be addressed.
"At one point she tried to mislead me by acting as the man who was texting her he was that type of acquaintance he actually was." What does this mean? She told you he was not an ex when he was? She told you he was an ex when he wasn't? How did you find out she was misleading you? Regardless, that is another red flag. She shouldn't be misleading you about anything.
So, I think some things would be reason to be concerned, others not so much.
You're 50 years old. Where you're going wrong is worrying about a one-night stand on a vacation. This is something someone less than half your age would be concerned about. Men your age should understand that grown women are going to do what they want to do, just like we know that grown men are going to do what they want to do. You say it was peer pressure, but honestly? She might have been telling you that because she feared you would judge her if she said it was something she wanted to do for herself. Bottom line is that at your age, you don't have a whole lot of time to waste on what someone did on vacation before she started dating you. If it bothers you that much, break it off and move on.
I am a 50 yr old man who has fallen in love with a 48 year old widower inthe past 2 years. When we first starting seeing each other it was clearly stated by her that she did not want a long term relationship and was not goingto get into a serious one. We actually both felt this way as I myself was currently going thru a divorce and wasn’t exactly looking for something serious or actually nothing at all. To make along story short both of us fell head over heels with each other and since meeting we have been inseparable. To make a long story short I am having some issues dealing with her past related to dating and a trip she took with a group of woman to let’s just say a resort town. It was during the time she and I first communicated and started to form out relationship. We texted and she even purchased some clothing I suggested she might want to get. She made a decision to engage in a one night stand with a man in this resort due to peer pressure, booze, need for sex. Duringa discussion I was actually given his name so I knew all the previous men she dated between her husband’s death and our relationship.
I have multiple conflicts with the whole scenario but the biggest issue I have with this is the group of women are work peers who all had knowledge and apparently were the peer pressure. ( I work and come in contact with these women) In one instance one of these ladies in a social gathering even made mention of how she was pissed her undergarments ended up on her bed during the act. She had fond memories about this trip and on occasion has refered to all the fun she had with her friends. Also during our dating she has had multiple past recent relationships contact her via social media sites and texting. At one point she tried to mislead me by acting as the man who was texting her he was that type of acquaintance he actually was.
I know the woman loves me as she has demonstrated and told me almost everyday. She truly is an angel and treats me very well. Should I be concerned about her past behavior or just throw caution to thewind and go with my heart and love andcherish her?
I don't understand the bolded so I'm just going to disregard it.
First of all, what kind of 50 year old woman gets peer pressured into a one night stand? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of seriously. I don't even get how you could be peer pressured into something like that. Obviously she wanted to do it and her friends encouraged her. So what? If you guys were just getting to know one another, were not exclusive, and she has been faithful since you became exclusive, then I wouldn't let something like that bother me. Why is it any of your business anyway what relationships she's had or who she slept with since getting together with you?
Sounds like you just need to move along. There have been a lot of guys here who can't seem to appreciate a great relationship with a great person because of something that person did while they weren't even in a relationship with them.
It's kinda hard to follow exactly what happened when. I think I get the gist of what you're saying. Some questions for you. These are real questions - would like to see your answers.
What exactly was your relationship when she went to this "resort town?" If you were not actually dating, you have no business being upset about what she did. If you were dating, then yeah, that's not good. But you can't get mad about something she did before you were a couple.
Why are you concerned with the friends? Are you concerned that they'll get her to do it again? If that's not the case, then why would you care about them?
With the contact from the guys she used to date, how does she respond to them? Does she respond at all? If she's flirting with them, hell yeah, be upset. If not, what is there to be upset about? Some people are quite capable of being friends or at least staying cordial with exes. Doesn't mean there's anything there to be upset about. But I don't understand about the misled texting stuff? Are you saying she led you to believe he was not an ex? Or did she lead you to believe he is MORE than just a friend? Confused. If she led you to believe he was not an ex, did you call her out on it? Did she have an answer? If she led you to believe he's more than just a friend, it sounds like she's playing games to make you jealous
You say she loves you and treats you well. This goes a long way. So far aside from the deception about the guy texting (whatever that was), you haven't presented anything that is dump-worthy. I'd be concerned about the misleading, but if that's the worse she's done since you guys have been together as a couple, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. See if she does it again. Otherwise, just appreciate what you've got.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
