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Old 05-23-2013, 05:14 PM
 
164 posts, read 356,390 times
Reputation: 144

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I doubt that you'll be hurting him. At all.
He isn't looking for a commitment. If anything else, he'll find someone else who is looking for something casual once you throw in the towel. This doesn't make you or him bad guys. You're both looking for different things.

You know that he isn't right for you. Don't worry about him; he can take care of himself. Quit doing this to yourself.

"The opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference." - Elie Wiesel
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Old 05-23-2013, 05:23 PM
 
4,176 posts, read 6,319,540 times
Reputation: 1874
Quote:
Originally Posted by oakparkV View Post
Hey guys...


So, I laid awake last night, suffering from stress-induced stomach problems again, and thinking about the guy I’ve been seeing for the last 5 months... and I think it’s time I ended things with him. Honestly, I’ve been hyper-analyzing our “relationship” from the get-go, and I’ve realized that there’s really nothing to analyze... because there’s really nothing there.


He’s commitment-phobic, that much is obvious. Our relationship is primarily sexual, and our conversations are mainly surface-level topics. I don’t feel comfortable sharing my feelings and concerns with him, and he never asks me what I’m thinking... because, I’m pretty sure, he doesn’t care. We’ve known each other 5 months, but I feel like I don’t really KNOW him … and he certainly doesn’t know me.


He parties way too much, and his main social priority is spending time with his “boys.” I rarely see him on weekends, and when I’ve brought this up, he’s made excuses. Our “dates” are always the same routine - go out to dinner, chill at his place, have sex. It’s fun, but it’s nothing substantial. I’ve brought up doing other activities - going to the beach, checking out a street-fest - and he acts receptive, but doesn’t follow through.


Socio-economically speaking, we’re from different planets. His family is wealthy, and he’s well-off financially and career-wise. In fact, he has more money than he knows what to do with. On our last date, he was talking about buying a $2,500 outdoor TV for his deck, and a $15,000 classic convertible (even though he already owns a perfectly nice, practical car). Meanwhile, I’m struggling to make ends meet financially on my paltry secretarial salary. (I can’t even afford to take a weekend vacation to visit friends - yet he’s always jetting off to Colorado, Vegas, New York, etc.) My family is a mess … I won’t go into it, but I’m dealing with a ton of crap with my mother these days … I can’t relate to him at all.


He’s having a BBQ party this weekend at his place, and I told him I’d go. I’m going to play it cool while I’m there. He invited 50+ people, so I doubt I’ll get to spend any time with him. (Yet this was his answer to my “Let’s get together more often on weekends” question.) Beyond that … I think I need to tell him that I just can’t keep doing this anymore.


He’s never been a d-bag to me or done anything to “hurt” me, per se. It’s not his actions, so much as his lack of actions, that bother me. I’ve been freaking out about him since I met him, and my anxiety is starting to manifest physically. I have strong feelings for him, and I don’t want to hurt him, but he’s becoming literally bad for my health.


Any advice? Should I break it off or just chill out?

Here’s the entire saga, for those who are new to my dating drama...
http://www.city-data.com/forum/relat...-afraid-i.html
http://www.city-data.com/forum/relat...red-flags.html
http://www.city-data.com/forum/relat...versation.html
http://www.city-data.com/forum/relat...-men-once.html
http://www.city-data.com/forum/relat...unication.html
http://www.city-data.com/forum/relat...g-my-past.html
http://www.city-data.com/forum/relat...vity-talk.html
http://www.city-data.com/forum/relat...ck-during.html
http://www.city-data.com/forum/relat...-i-get-so.html

(WOW! I've written TEN posts - including this one - about this guy. Obsessed much?! This isn't really my style, guys...)
You should let him go. From previous posts, it seems as though you have discussed the situation with him (in one form or another) but it hasn't improved.

Remember that the early/honeymoon phase is often the easiest part since the positive aspects are being overweighted while the negative aspects are being underweighted or outright ignored. If you're experiencing this much frustration now, it's unlikely to improve. It seems like he does like you and enjoy your company, but may not be heading in the LTR direction (whereas you are).
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Old 05-23-2013, 05:56 PM
 
1,839 posts, read 3,058,288 times
Reputation: 1102
Hi, I haven't read through all the previous posts. But from this one, it sounds like a couple of things,

#1 you are allowing fear to run you, you are allowing a situation that is not up to your expectations to drive you crazy because it is not up to your expectations. You are important. You come first, Do not allow him to drive you crazy because he is not doing what you (and society I'm sure, myself included) think he should be doing as the man you are sleeping with. Put yourself first.

#2 You expect the worst- You asked to spend more time with him on the weekends and he invites you to a party with 50 other people. Ok, he is trying. You expect the worst, I won't have time with him because there are 50 other people there. True, I believe couples need alone time. Can you try to go with the flow? Relax, have fun at the party weather you're by his side or not and see if you spend alone time together afterwards. Does he introduce you as his girlfriend? Is that a requirement for you? (hint: if you are sleeping with this man, you should respect yourself enough to make that mandatory. If he has no manners, introduce yourself as his girlfriend or discuss with him that this should happen- IF this is YOUR standard.) Then be secure enough to enjoy the company of everyone there., again weather or not he is by your side. You're a big girl and a good person on your own. You can socialize.

Bottom line, if you're not getting enough of what YOU want, no need to stick around and have these stomach problems. But if you are getting what you want, and you must want him a lot to be SO stressed out over him, try to chill out. Being uptight like this is heavy for everyone around, keep it light. Good luck to you
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Old 05-23-2013, 06:35 PM
YAZ
 
Location: Phoenix,AZ
7,701 posts, read 14,043,258 times
Reputation: 7038
Didya ever consider that he's treating YOU like HE wants to be treated?

If that's the case, then it's important that you recognize it.

Not the greatest analogy, but.....

My wife and I have been married for eight years now, and the biggest problem we have is when one of us isn't feeling well.

If I'm down for whatever reason....I just want to be left alone. And it bothers me when someone tries to "take care" of me.

My wife is just the opposite. And my natural instinct kicks in and I tend to leave her alone. As you might be able to deduce, this can cause some major problems.

I'm a work in progress......

The important thing is that I recognize it and be smart enough to act.
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Old 05-23-2013, 07:40 PM
 
Location: a primitive state
11,378 posts, read 24,375,940 times
Reputation: 17415
I think the two of you are not right for each other but you're the only one who cares.

Just move on and find a better match. Wait till you find a guy who really gets you.
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