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My boyfriend is obsessed with his job- a true workaholic. I see him 1-2 times a week (on his terms) which is fine for me because I am quite independent and enjoy occasional alone time. But there are some weeks when he is away, or just unavailable- he would rather sit at home by himself for the whole week after work. He doesn't do anything to make up for it, like plan little weekend getaways or something. He gets 4 vacations a year and for the past two years, not one has he thought to plan a trip with me. For example, his vacation in July (the last one we could take before I move to Boston) he is treating his roommate with a trip to Vegas.
He tells me he works hard (which he does) for me, telling me that later in life (5-10 years from now) he will have more time for me. All he talks about is work, he gets at least two work calls every time we hang out (and he doesn't hesitate to interrupt a conversation or activity to take the call) and he lives with one of his employees whom he is trying to transform into a general manager (I feel like he invests more time and effort into his roommate than me). He is proud of me for my accomplishments but that's about it. I feel like I am a cheerleader on the sidelines putting a majority of the effort into the relationship. I know several career-oriented men who work just as hard and still manage to invest in their relationships in the NOW. How do you guys do it? The extra pressure in my case is that I am trying to build a huge career too, and soon I will be in Boston and my boyfriend is getting promoted and moving to LA. I can't afford to follow him now and he intends on being in LA at least 5 years. My boyfriend applauds over-working until one gets sick, he frowns upon personal days and thinks work should always no matter what come first. His company (I will just say it is food-related) is a very patriarchal/cult-like company, where most of the upper managers have stay-at-home wives/mothers. Benefits are terrible- there is no maternal/paternal leave, sick or personal days, just 4 set vacations a year (as far as I know). All I want is to feel like I am just as important as his job. My career is extremely important to me, but I also value my relationships and outside experiences.
I suppose my question is then, does anybody have any successful experiences to share with situations like this (where both people are career-oriented but manage to have a fulfilling life outside work too)?
You clearly are not a priority for him. His actions show that. Even when he does have discretionary free time,he chooses NOT TO spend it with you. If he cannot make you a priority NOW, he will not make you a priority any other day, in 5 or 10 years.
Be glad you are moving. It will be a natural breakup time for you.
You clearly are not a priority for him. His actions show that. Even when he does have discretionary free time,he chooses NOT TO spend it with you. If he cannot make you a priority NOW, he will not make you a priority any other day.
Be glad you are moving. It will be a natural breakup time for you.
I agree. On one hand, he says he values work over everything else and doesn't believe people should use personal days, and on the other hand he's going to Vegas with his roommate. He doesn't see this relationship as a long-term thing, so he's not investing effort in it.
Location: Georgia, on the Florida line, right above Tallahassee
10,471 posts, read 15,831,906 times
Reputation: 6438
Quote:
Originally Posted by jkm11
My boyfriend is obsessed with his job- a true workaholic. I see him 1-2 times a week (on his terms) which is fine for me because I am quite independent and enjoy occasional alone time. But there are some weeks when he is away, or just unavailable- he would rather sit at home by himself for the whole week after work. He doesn't do anything to make up for it, like plan little weekend getaways or something. He gets 4 vacations a year and for the past two years, not one has he thought to plan a trip with me. For example, his vacation in July (the last one we could take before I move to Boston) he is treating his roommate with a trip to Vegas.
He tells me he works hard (which he does) for me, telling me that later in life (5-10 years from now) he will have more time for me. All he talks about is work, he gets at least two work calls every time we hang out (and he doesn't hesitate to interrupt a conversation or activity to take the call) and he lives with one of his employees whom he is trying to transform into a general manager (I feel like he invests more time and effort into his roommate than me). He is proud of me for my accomplishments but that's about it. I feel like I am a cheerleader on the sidelines putting a majority of the effort into the relationship. I know several career-oriented men who work just as hard and still manage to invest in their relationships in the NOW. How do you guys do it? The extra pressure in my case is that I am trying to build a huge career too, and soon I will be in Boston and my boyfriend is getting promoted and moving to LA. I can't afford to follow him now and he intends on being in LA at least 5 years. My boyfriend applauds over-working until one gets sick, he frowns upon personal days and thinks work should always no matter what come first. His company (I will just say it is food-related) is a very patriarchal/cult-like company, where most of the upper managers have stay-at-home wives/mothers. Benefits are terrible- there is no maternal/paternal leave, sick or personal days, just 4 set vacations a year (as far as I know). All I want is to feel like I am just as important as his job. My career is extremely important to me, but I also value my relationships and outside experiences.
I suppose my question is then, does anybody have any successful experiences to share with situations like this (where both people are career-oriented but manage to have a fulfilling life outside work too)?
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,699 posts, read 41,737,988 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by jkm11
My boyfriend is obsessed with his job- a true workaholic. I see him 1-2 times a week (on his terms) which is fine for me because I am quite independent and enjoy occasional alone time. But there are some weeks when he is away, or just unavailable- he would rather sit at home by himself for the whole week after work. He doesn't do anything to make up for it, like plan little weekend getaways or something. He gets 4 vacations a year and for the past two years, not one has he thought to plan a trip with me. For example, his vacation in July (the last one we could take before I move to Boston) he is treating his roommate with a trip to Vegas.
He tells me he works hard (which he does) for me, telling me that later in life (5-10 years from now) he will have more time for me. All he talks about is work, he gets at least two work calls every time we hang out (and he doesn't hesitate to interrupt a conversation or activity to take the call) and he lives with one of his employees whom he is trying to transform into a general manager (I feel like he invests more time and effort into his roommate than me). He is proud of me for my accomplishments but that's about it. I feel like I am a cheerleader on the sidelines putting a majority of the effort into the relationship. I know several career-oriented men who work just as hard and still manage to invest in their relationships in the NOW. How do you guys do it? The extra pressure in my case is that I am trying to build a huge career too, and soon I will be in Boston and my boyfriend is getting promoted and moving to LA. I can't afford to follow him now and he intends on being in LA at least 5 years. My boyfriend applauds over-working until one gets sick, he frowns upon personal days and thinks work should always no matter what come first. His company (I will just say it is food-related) is a very patriarchal/cult-like company, where most of the upper managers have stay-at-home wives/mothers. Benefits are terrible- there is no maternal/paternal leave, sick or personal days, just 4 set vacations a year (as far as I know). All I want is to feel like I am just as important as his job. My career is extremely important to me, but I also value my relationships and outside experiences.
I suppose my question is then, does anybody have any successful experiences to share with situations like this (where both people are career-oriented but manage to have a fulfilling life outside work too)?
I have no idea how you are not getting this. Your boyfriend has made it perfectly clear you are not a top priority in his life. Not with his time or frame of mind. Do you really want to wait 5 years so that someone MIGHT make you a priority? Ask yourself that.
I suppose my question is then, does anybody have any successful experiences to share with situations like this (where both people are career-oriented but manage to have a fulfilling life outside work too)?
Nope. Not to be blunt but this relationship (and any relationship he has if he keeps this up) is doomed.
Now I do know people like this who are together (married) but live separate lives. They are not connected at all and are just going through the motions.
Initially I thought you were being harsh of your description of your current b/f…
I myself tend to throw myself into work…this is my livlihood, being that I am a single mother…My time is very limited…It is work until is done and then my son and family, friends…
I have bills, a mortgage, savings and planning for my son’s college career..
I do have time on weekends for a b/f and sometimes during the week as well even if it is just for an hour or two…
The more I do at work, the more valuable of an asset I am to the practice, the better the raises and promotions…That is my main goal..
My independence means everything to me as well as not needing a man to ‘take care of me”….
There are days I work 12 hours and the only energy I can muster is coming home, slapping a meal together quickly, checking in my son as far as his needs ( he is 16) ..THEN lying down in bed And knocking out watching a fave series and decompressing…
So I can understand your b/f having boundaries as to when he sees you during the week…
However he lost my support when you stated that he had planned a trip to Vegas with a buddy….you are his g/f, I feel that if he has any free time? He should be trying to spend it with you!
I am puzzled though…You stated you are big on your career as well and are in fact moving to Boston for a new position? And he is going to LA…
So what is the point of getting upset? If I were you? I would cut my losses and focus on my move and my new life…I would be concerned with finding out as much about Boston, such as good places to reside…Night life, sights to see and more about the area in general…Focus on you…
Is it possible to balance family and professional lives?
My experience: very hard in the US, but quite easy in Denmark. It's worth every penny it costs.
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